Tag Archives: rape-rape

  blurred lines

Richard Cohen Thinks Miley Cyrus Raped That Poor Girl In Steubenville

Too much Nice Time got you down? Well don’t worry kids, here is the Washington Post’s Richard Cohen to sexplain all you ever wanted to know about how Miley Cyrus raped that poor girl in Steubenville. Hmmm. Rape. Pop culture. Womyn things. Do you suppose there will be a single sentence — fuck it, a single word — that is not HOLY FUCKBALLS RICHARD COHEN? Hahaha, maybe one? Let us see if we can find it, together! Hmmmm, is this a sentence that will not cause our eyeballs to fall out of our skulls and roll under the fridge to be chewed up by cock-a-roaches? Read more on Richard Cohen Thinks Miley Cyrus Raped That Poor Girl In Steubenville…
  but what if she is little bo peep?

PSA: No, Men, You Cannot Rape A Child Even If She Is Hot And Slutty And Only Says No Twice

Boy, it sure is hard to know when you can rape (or, as they say at Yale, have “nonconsensual sex” with) a kid, isn’t it? We know the Catholic Church has a hell of a time figuring it out. Like, sure, there are “laws” about how you’re not supposed to have sex with someone who does not consent to having sex with you. And there are “laws” about how a minor cannot give consent because she or he is, you know, a kid. But those are really more like suggested guidelines, aren’t they? Like, okay, yeah, you probably shouldn’t fuck a kid, but what if she’s a totally hot kid and she’s wearing make-up and she runs with a fast crowd and she’s, like, TOTALLY asking for it, you can tell, she’s got that look? Talk about a gray area! Take this poor, now-imprisoned sucker who fell victim to the allure of a 14-year-old inmate: Louisiana prison officials and attorneys are trying to evade culpability in the rape of a 14-year-old juvenile inmate by claiming that the girl had a consensual relationship with the guard who molested her. According to the Tri-Parish Times, the victim solicited sex with now-incarcerated corrections officer Angelo Vickers during her imprisonment, an assertion that is at odds with Louisiana law, which stipulates that minors under the age of 17 do not possess the necessary judgment to consent to sex with adults. […] “These girls in the detention center are not Little Miss Muffin,” one anonymous official told the Times. See? Tricky! On the one hand, there’s the law that says you can’t do that, but on the other hand, shouldn’t you be able to do that if the girl is not Little Miss Muffin? At least across the pond the justice system takes a child’s Miss Muffinosity into consideration: Read more on PSA: No, Men, You Cannot Rape A Child Even If She Is Hot And Slutty And Only Says No Twice…
  the body politic has a way of shutting that thing down

How Is Glenn Beck Saying America Got Raped Today? A Wonkette Contest!

We were pretty excited when Miss Kaili Joy came into the sekrit Wonket chatcave with this totally popular Salon tweet that had been liked by one egg. Kaili Joy G: should we place bets on what he’s talking about? I haven’t clicked yet Gary L: the immigration reform bill Rebecca S: I know! I know! HE IS SAYING THE MILITARY HAS A RAPE PROBLEM! The rest of the chatcave did not find this to be a likely answer. Rich A: I think we are misconstruing the metaphor. My theory is that he’s talking about something God endorses that the American people were totally asking for by wearing a metaphorical push-up bra Gary L: I’ve told America a million times what will happen if it goes out at night wearing a short skirt and slathering on the makeup like a common trollop But the real question is: Did Jose Canseco tweet America’s cell phone number? OK, quick, make your guesses, and we’ll click through, with Egg, after the jump! Read more on How Is Glenn Beck Saying America Got Raped Today? A Wonkette Contest!…
  also please eat this dick

Elizabeth Smart Politely And In Nice Mormon Girl Way Tells Abstinence Crowd To Bite Her

Hey, you know what’s really stupid? Telling kids they can prevent pregnancy and disease by just not having sexytime until they spend tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding with dried-out chicken and tacky pink bridesmaid dresses because that’s what God wants. You know why it’s stupid? First, see Bristol Palin. (B) Kids will end up more pregnant and more diseased because they will do sexytime anyway but without protection. And three, SEE BRISTOL PALIN. Oh, and here is another reason why abstinence-only education is stupid. Because teaching girls to feel bad about themselves is a not nice thing to do. And it is especially not nice to do that to girls who did not have the option of abstaining because they were, say, kidnapped and held hostage and raped. Like Elizabeth Smart, the nice Mormon girl from Utah what got abducted and held hostage and raped when she was 14. She is all growed up now and has some things to say about the “just say no” lessons she was taught as a lass: Read more on Elizabeth Smart Politely And In Nice Mormon Girl Way Tells Abstinence Crowd To Bite Her…
  mansplaining

Spring Break With Chuck Norris Sounds About As Lame As You Would Expect

Ever wonder what former action star and depressing self-parody Chuck Norris does on his time off (besides facelifts and hormone injections to keep the dreaded steroid induced “bitch tits” away)? Well as it turns out the meme-tastic actor is wasting time on the internet just like you! Although he is spacing out his fapping sessions with some bloggin’ for the hip folks over at World Net Daily. But what is bothering Chuck these days as he sits in his crusty Lululemons? Why, it’s our nation of young fanciful strumpets who are mindlessly streaming across the border to have tequila-fueled sex with Norris’ gardner, unaware of the danger that they now face. Luckily for these sluts, Chuck Norris is here to provide a roundhouse kick of truth to their cooters in his latest post all about telling women how not to get raped. Read more on Spring Break With Chuck Norris Sounds About As Lame As You Would Expect…
  stop raping yourself!

Phyllis Schlafly On Women In Combat: Men Who Rape Them Will Be Accused Of Rape!

Original Mens Rights Activist Phyllis Schlafly, that grand old thing, has some thoughts on women in combat. She is against it. She is against it for all your standard Phyllis Schlafly reasons, but adds in one extra, just to keep things spicy: Men will not be able to stop themselves from the temptation of raping and sexually harrassing the delicate womyn flowers — some women will trick them into it by not being ugly — and then the men will be accused of sexual harrassment and rape! How is that even fair? Why are the women not accused of the sexual harrassment and rape of themselves? What is our world even coming to??? It is like she went to sleep one day and woke up in Starship Troopers!! BUT WITH RAPE!!! Read more on Phyllis Schlafly On Women In Combat: Men Who Rape Them Will Be Accused Of Rape!…
  turning vicious sexual assault into lemonade

Mitt Romney To Nutter Rapey Doctor Last Year: ‘We Agree On Almost Everything’

You may have heard over the past few days of Dr. Jack Willke (because you read Wonkette with slavish devotion), the crazy man who spreads the lie that you can’t get pregnant if you’re goodly and righteously raped. You probably also heard that he was buddy-buddy with Mitt Romney in 2008, because Mitt Romney would do a soccer potluck with Idi Amin and the Tamil Tigers if it got the Family Research Council off his back for a week. Read more on Mitt Romney To Nutter Rapey Doctor Last Year: ‘We Agree On Almost Everything’…
  will this be our last todd akin post?

Phyllis Schlafly And Bryan Fischer Pretty Much Think Todd Akin Is Jesus

Perfidious cockbucket Todd Akin received enthusiastic support Tuesday from noted insane persons Phyllis Schlafly and Bryan Fischer. Remarkably, this is not expected to hurt his chances for election to the US Senate. Reaching previously unplumbed depths of either cluelessness or chicanery — even for her — Ms. Schlafly carefully explained that Akin was not in favor of rape, a position that literally no one on the planet has claimed he was taking: “He’s not for rape. That’s ridiculous,” said Schlafly, founder of the Eagle Forum. “They’re making a big thing about an unfortunate remark.” Schlafly also believes that there is no such thing as marital rape, and that feminists simply made up the concept to hurt men in divorce and child custody cases, a position which is shared by alleged human being Todd Akin. Read more on Phyllis Schlafly And Bryan Fischer Pretty Much Think Todd Akin Is Jesus…
  we don't need no rape kits let that m*****f***** burn

Todd Akin Explains ‘Legitimate Rape’ To Mike Huckabee With Wheelchairs And 9/11

Yesterday, Rep. Todd Akin, who is the GOP nominee for the US Senate in Missouri, made a comment declaring that women who experienced “legitimate rape” could not get pregnant. Today, Man-Who-Used-To-Be-Skinny Mike Huckabee had Akin on his show to handhold him through a damage control interview. About two minutes in, Huckabee asks Akin if he meant “forcible rape” rather than “legitimate rape,” which Akin flop-sweats into agreement with. (Why “forcible rape” changes the nature of the vagina, I do not know, but I am sadly not the expert that a sitting Congressman is.) After a while, Huckabee asks Akin whether he expected more support through this tough time, and this is when Akin’s Giuliani brain kicks in and goes buck fucking wild (starts at 8:08): Read more on Todd Akin Explains ‘Legitimate Rape’ To Mike Huckabee With Wheelchairs And 9/11…
  how is babby formed?

Missouri Senate Candidate Todd Akin’s Guide to Legitimate vs. Illegitimate Rape

Missouri Congressman and GOP Senate candidate Todd Akin is a brilliant scientist (with a B.S. in something called “Management Engineering”) and is therefore highly qualified to speak on the intricacies of female anatomy, especially when it comes to the heretofore unknown magic powers of the reproductive system. Did you know, for example, that the uterus is able to determine the difference between “legitimate” and “illegitimate” rape? I bet you didn’t even know there was a difference, unlike Todd Akin, who currently serves on the House of Representatives Science and Technology Committee thanks to his expertise. In science. Not only does your uterus know the difference, but in the case of “legitimate” rape, it will shut down, trapping the the rape-sperm and preventing it from reaching your pure and unspoiled eggs. That means the approximately 32,000 women who become pregnant each year from rape were the victims of illegitimate rape. What’s the difference between legitimate and illegitimate rape? We’ve compiled this helpful guide from what we assume Todd Akin (B.S. in Management Engineering and member of the House Science and Technology Committee, just to recap) believes. Read more on Missouri Senate Candidate Todd Akin’s Guide to Legitimate vs. Illegitimate Rape…
  on the pole

Science: Gay Hooligan Penguins Rape Dead Lady Penguins

We are sorry, but we now must apologize for every time we laughed at One Million Moms and the American Family Association and every mean old preacher and 14-year-old shock jock who has ever called for queers to get dumped into concentration camps. It turns out gay penguins love nothing more than to rape dead lady penguins, it is just a fact. Therefore also too, that P-E-N-I-S lady about whom we actually felt bad, because she was actually schizophrenic, was also one hundred percent correct about gays loving to sex the dead. (Probably not the rest though, because schizophrenia.) Yessir, we now have proof, in the form of 100-year-old explorers’ logs, about all the necrophiliac rape-rape penguins just love to do. Read more on Science: Gay Hooligan Penguins Rape Dead Lady Penguins…
  she said/it said

Misunderstood Gentleman James O’Keefe Sues Former ‘Accomplice’ for Raping His Computer

Former James O’Keefe “accomplice” Nadia Naffe — no, not that former accomplice, a different one — has now come out with Part Two of her Erotic Suspense Thriller “The Night in the Barn,” and James O’Keefe, as any defamed and belibeled Christian gentleman would do, he is a-suin’! What does Nadia say happened that night in the barn? That James O’Keefe was a whiny, petulant manchild whose dander went up at her sexual rejection of him, possibly roofied her beer, wouldn’t leave the barn where she was to stay and then once she couldn’t walk abandoned her in said barn, showed back up only when she insisted he get her to a train station or she’d call the police, called all their mutual friends and said she was a filthy whore, and (at a different time) totally secretly taped sexings between him (?) and a Mystery Lady named Emma. What does Young Master O’Keefe say happened? Read more on Misunderstood Gentleman James O’Keefe Sues Former ‘Accomplice’ for Raping His Computer…