Wonkette

GAHHHH!!! Sweet crickets, Mister “Senator” Gordon Smith, you are scarier than eight Oregon rapists combined with this ad. [WSJ]

“JEFFERSON CITY — Missouri state Rep. Scott Muschany, R-Frontenac, was indicted today in connection with a reported sexual assault of a 14-year-old girl on May 17, the day after this year’s Legislative session ended.” What, were all the 14-year-old boys already taken by the other celebrating Republican legislators? MORE »

John McCain’s always had a hearty arsenal of “cocktail party jokes,” including several about killing Iranian civilians with either bombs or exported American cancer, and another about Chelsea Clinton being ugly because her father is Janet Reno’s penis. These jokes, however, can’t shake a stick at the latest gem someone has unearthed from a 1986 copy of the Tucson Citizen, one that got him in a tit-bit of trouble at the time. After the jump: McCain’s crack about the gorilla who rapes and murders some gal in the street. MORE »

Meet local Democratic leader Joy Johnson, of Durham, N.C. — she’s (allegedly) a crazy Satanist! Johnson and her younger husband, Joseph Craig, have been charged with a variety of rape and torture and kidnapping crimes, all because of “a satanic ritual that got out of hand.” MORE »

Oh, Texas Republicans, you are always so funny. Here is a fun button worn by everyone at the Texas GOP convention. When not making hilarious rape jokes, Texas Republicans like to make jokes about ambitious coloreds. [America Blog]

Here’s your “Friday Fun Link,” courtesy of BBC News and the Journal of Ethology. It is a King Penguin being sexually assaulted by an Antarctic Fur Seal. South African scientists photographed the freakish 45-minute sex crime, which only ended when the hundred-kilogram rapist seal couldn’t figure out how to actually copulate with the 15-kilogram ice bird, who was reportedly unharmed but deeply ashamed. [BBC News]

An Oklahoma sheriff has quit his post after being charged with committing pretty much every sexual crime in the book against a number of female prisoners. For example, “rape by instrumentation.” If he’s convicted, he may serve up to 467 years in prison. Join us on a terrible sex tour of all the foul horrors former Custer County Sheriff Mike Burgess may have committed! MORE »

The Supreme Court today agreed to hear the case of Patrick Kennedy (no, not the pillhead Congressman), who is one of only 2 people in the U.S. on death row for not killing someone. He’s on death row for brutally raping his 8 year-old stepdaughter. His lawyers argue it’s cruel and unusual punishment, victims groups are arguing it could result in the murder of more victims and/or fewer reports of such crimes when they involve friends or family members. Everyone else is pretty much arguing he’s a horrible individual who the world is better off without. In 1977, the Supreme Court ruled that the death penalty was indeed cruel and unusual punishment for raping an adult (woman, most likely), but who knows what they’ll do now. Naturally, he’s black; equally obviously, he’s maintaining his innocence. [ABC News]

Mike Huckabee’s cocky ass appeared on MSNBC’s Morning Joe this morning to talk about his and Romney’s religion, as well as the recent HuffPo report on Huckabee’s role (active!) in releasing an Arkansas rapist from prison and then watching as he raped more people. On religion, he blabs for a little bit; On the accusations — as shown above– he calls HuffPo a lying sack of Internet crapola.

Huzzah! Thank you A1 of this morning’s Washington Post; we had no idea that there was a lesbian hunchback detective raping suspects.

The online headline now reads, “Detective’s Hunch Led Her to Suspect in Rape.” So she’s still a hunchback detective, but isn’t raping suspects anymore.

Detective’s Hunch Led Her to [something about rape] [WP]

Remember the assistant U.S. attorney from Florida caught trying to fuck a five-year-old girl? You know, the one who said he’d “done it plenty”? He just hanged himself in his jail cell. [Detroit Free Press]

We don’t really have any comment on the Federal Prosecutor guy charged with actually trying to fuck a five-year-old girl. Said the assistant U.S. attorney from Florida: “I’ve done it plenty.” [Above The Law]

Let’s meet today’s loathsome child-fucking politician. Yeah, he’s just some nobody legislative staffer for a state assemblyman, but Lamar B. Freeman’s crimes are so heinous that he deserves some front-page hatin’ — and ladies, this one’s a Democrat. But the story is so sick and convoluted that we’ll just let Wonkette Operative “Underclassed” do the explaining:

“The Reader’s Digest version is an ex-legislative aide for the former Assembly Speaker of New York just got sentenced to 13 years for repeatedly molesting a 6-year-old girl, and in the process infecting her with herpes. Also, he molested this girl’s mom years ago, driving her to drugs, and now fears for his cornhole in prison.

He’s a Democrat, for a change, but keep in mind that the Democrats in Buffalo are just as corrupt and shiftless as Republicans anywhere else.”

Ex-state legislative aide gets prison for molesting and infecting girl, 6 [Buffalo News] MORE »