Tag Archives: rand paul

  Here Is A Caption Contest For You All To Suck At

Caption This Picture Of Rand Paul And Al Sharpton (Badly!)

This happened: Please try to not fail at captioning this picture appropriately in the comments, which we do not allow. For added inspiration, we offer you this gem from Rand Paul, one of the leading members of the “Republican Rainbow Coalition”: Read more on Caption This Picture Of Rand Paul And Al Sharpton (Badly!)…
  Countdown To Imspeechment

A Children’s Treasury Of Preemptive Hissy Fits On Obama’s Immigration Speech

Real wrath of God type stuff
We hear that the president’s giving a speech tonight — not that the broadcast teevee networks will bother carrying it — and while the full details of the executive action aren’t out yet, Republicans know it’s pretty bad. Here are just a few of the Psychic Predictions of disaster they’re floating: Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Preemptive Hissy Fits On Obama’s Immigration Speech…
  Here have some news n stuff

John Boehner to Medicare: Drop Dead!

Finally a reason to smile
For a guy who keeps insisting he will impeach the hell out of Obamacare, Weeper of the House John Boehner sure does seem to like it. A LOT. Now that he is 65 years orange, he’s eligible for Social Security and Medicare, as his good friend across the aisle and excellent Twitter troll Nancy Pelosi reminded him. You’d think he’d be so grateful to finally be able to opt out of a health insurance system he hates so he can opt in to the taxpayer-funded socialized healthcare system known as Medicare. But no! Read more on John Boehner to Medicare: Drop Dead!…
  Go Get Your Bass

‘Republican Rainbow Coalition’ Is A Real Thing, Says Delusional Idiot

GET IT!?
O the joys of being a young conservative hack. You’re on a glide path to David Brooks’ seat on the New York Times op-ed board, and all you have to do is rewrite GOP press releases into #PoliticalHotTakes! Literally your only job is to make those talking points sound plausible, something the Daily Beast‘s Tim Mak didn’t manage to do with this puerile fantasy about the Republicans’ new “Rainbow Coalition.” Read more on ‘Republican Rainbow Coalition’ Is A Real Thing, Says Delusional Idiot…
  i remember you

Ebola? What Ebola?

Sigh. One day...
Bowling Ebola doctor Craig Spencer is set to be released from Bellevue Hospital Center in New York sometime today so he can continue his reign of disease-spreading terror that was so rudely interrupted by health officials determined to keep him from infecting the city’s entire population by spewing hemorrhagic-fever-laced vomit all over it. Spencer has reportedly been cured of the ‘bola and has felt well enough in recent days to ride an exercise bike and play his banjo, if anyone still needs a reason to hate him. Read more on Ebola? What Ebola?…
  the power of aqua buddha compels you

Rand Paul Sure Loves This Dude Who Loves The Confederacy

Senator, you forgot to put on pants AGAIN???
Like Jesus, we all have a cross to bear, and our particular cross is shaped like Sen. Rand Paul (R-Headdesk), a man so dumb that we are amazed he is allowed out of his house without wearing a helmet and a mouth guard. And when he joins forces with Judge Andrew Napolitano, the Confederate apologist prone to criticizing President Lincoln for forcing an end to slavery when the judge insists the “peculiar institution” would have eventually, someday, probably, likely died out on its own? The tsunami of dumb unleashed on the public could make Idiocracy look like the Oxford classroom scenes in Chariots of Fire. Read more on Rand Paul Sure Loves This Dude Who Loves The Confederacy…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Rand Paul’s Kentucky Fried 2016 Ballot Dilemma (Video)

That is one beautiful graphic, too
Here’s a weird thing that Rachel Maddow noted as part of her wrap-up of post-election silver linings the other day: Due to a Kentucky law prohibiting candidates from appearing on the same ballot for two offices, Rand Paul can’t run for both President of the USA and for re-election to the Senate. Dude’s awfully pumped to run for Preznit, but he also knows in his heart that he’s never going to be Preznit, and so he’d really like to run to keep his current job in the Senate. Kentucky Republicans had hoped to take the state House so they could just change the law and help Aqua Buddha out, but the voters were not at all compliant, and the House remains stubbornly Democratic. (Don’t they realize this was a wave election, and they are required to stand down for the new Permanent Republican Majority? Apparently not.) Read more on Morning Maddow: Rand Paul’s Kentucky Fried 2016 Ballot Dilemma (Video)…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Rachel Has Some Silver Linings For You, And One’s A Butt (Video)

She likes Tom Butt and she cannot lie...
After Tuesday’s electoral disappointments — disappointments? More like tectonic skullfucking — we’re all in the mood for whatever bits of relief we can find. And while you might expect to find Rachel Maddow singing the blues, if you ask her for some happy news, she’ll just smile and say “Tom Butt.” Because Tom Butt is the newly elected mayor of Richmond, California, a one-company Bay Area city where Chevron spent over $3 million to try and buy itself a mayor and city council that would be friendly to its huge refinery — and lost. Tom Butt only raised about $45,000 in a campaign where Chevron bought every billboard in town, and he and the three non-Chevronic council candidates won anyway, so that there is a fine outcome: a city government that “one of the richest companies in the history of the Earth has emphatically not bought and paid for.” Read more on Morning Maddow: Rachel Has Some Silver Linings For You, And One’s A Butt (Video)…
  My Heart's Crackin' Like A Krakatoa

Hawaii Congresslady Skips Out On Election Night Duty Just To Save State From Volcano, Lame.

Ooooh, hot lava!
This could get in the way of her election-night party: Hawaii congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard, a Democrat running for reelection in the 2nd District, has been called up for duty in the Hawaii National Guard as it stands by to assist with possible evacuations from an area where the Kilauea volcano is eating up highways and farms and getting close to the outlaw town of Pahoa, on the eastern tip of the Big Island: Read more on Hawaii Congresslady Skips Out On Election Night Duty Just To Save State From Volcano, Lame….
  First Do What's Popular

Rand Paul Torn Between Libertarian Principles And OMG EBOLAZ!!!!!1

It was this or a photo of Rand Paul, and we love you too much to do that
Sen. Rand Paul MD is trying to decide where he stands on the important issue of putting healthcare workers in quarantine regardless of whether they have Ebola symptoms or not. (Remember kids, that’s the only time people are infectious: after they’re symptomatic). It is truly an ethical dilemma for him, because on the one hand, he is a Libertarian who loves the Freedom (except for ladyparts, which are not free because babbies come first), but on the other hand, he is a “doctor” with a real “license” and everything, and he just wants to keep the public safe from this disease that he knows the CDC isn’t telling you everything about. Read more on Rand Paul Torn Between Libertarian Principles And OMG EBOLAZ!!!!!1…
  Listicles Are Still A Thing Right?

Nine Easy Halloween Costume Ideas That Won’t Get You Laid And May Kill You

We want your brains
This is you: “I want to dress up for Halloween but I’m lazy and have bad ideas. Can you help?” Probably not, but let’s take a crack at it anyway. Here are nine “easy” costume ideas for you to briefly consider before you just give up and go as whatever you were last year again (a loser with a bad costume). DISCLAIMER: Please do not actually attempt any of the following costumes, especially the ones involving bodily harm. Read more on Nine Easy Halloween Costume Ideas That Won’t Get You Laid And May Kill You…
  Here have some news n stuff

Ron Paul Tells Dumb Son To Shut His Big Stupid Yap

You can trust him, he's a doctor
Grab your popcorn, it’s time for another round of Republican Daddy Issues: Ron Paul, who is a medical doctor, pointed out that an estimated 3,000 to 49,000 people died every year from influenza, but no one was considering a travel ban to stop the flu from spreading. Read more on Ron Paul Tells Dumb Son To Shut His Big Stupid Yap…
  Let's Move Somewhere Sane

Rand Paul Buys Donuts, Michelle Obama Can Suck It

They can take our brains, but they'll never take...OUR CRULLERS!
Just a quick gut check on American Political Discourse in 2014: Freedom is about stuffing as much fried food into your gullet as you can, and there’s no way we’ll let the meddling First Lady cram arugula down our throats. Aw, Michelle Obama, YA BURNT! Or deep-fried! If she said stabbing yourself in the face was bad for you, there’s be a run on knives. Read more on Rand Paul Buys Donuts, Michelle Obama Can Suck It…
  Now From Our Boise Bureau

Idahoans Like Butch Otter, Hate Hillary Clinton, Go Both Ways On Potatoes

Looks like the pogayto will be getting a lot of work now
Our pals at Public Policy Polling (we like to say they’re our pals, but they don’t know us from Adam’s off ox) have graced us with a poll on the Idaho midterm elections, and you will be astonished to learn that Idahoans are probably going to elect a bunch of Republicans again. Read more on Idahoans Like Butch Otter, Hate Hillary Clinton, Go Both Ways On Potatoes…
  Here have some news n stuff

Rand Paul Bravely Talks To Black People

So brave, so bold
Guess this counts as one of the exciting new Ideas! from the Republican Party. Black people: They’re people too! After meeting with NAACP leaders in Ferguson, Missouri, Sen. Rand Paul told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer that the Republicans Party’s biggest mistake in recent decades has been not reaching out to African-American voters. Read more on Rand Paul Bravely Talks To Black People…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Yes, Stevie Wonder Truthers Are A Thing

Ebony And Irony
Oh, golly, it’s time for another Derp Roundup, a chance for us to bring you some of the stories that were just too damned stupid to ignore altogether, but which didn’t quite merit a post of their own. You may want a good stiff serving of the reality-amending chemical compounds of your choice before you expose yourself to this stuff. Read more on Derp Roundup: Yes, Stevie Wonder Truthers Are A Thing…
  Whine and Jesus Party

It’s A Good Friday For Values Voters To Feel Persecuted Again

nice ride
Outside the Values Voter Summit 2014/Photo by Beth Ethier It’s time for all the wingnuttiest Christianist wingnuts who will never be president to gather once again in D.C. to Biblesplain how President Obama is THE WORST, liberals have killed Jesus (again!), and it’s hard out there in these American United States of Real America for an outraged white dude. Read more on It’s A Good Friday For Values Voters To Feel Persecuted Again…
  taxes are also slavery

Rand Paul’s Utopian Vision For America Does Not – Repeat, DOES NOT – Include Slavery

We are really looking forward to Sen. Rand Paul’s upcoming presidential run, when the Aqua Buddha enthusiast will trot out his knowledge of American history that he learned reading the children’s menu at a Bob Evans off the interstate in Harlan County. Remarkably, this will be a step up in the knowledge department from most of the Republican base, but still. Read more on Rand Paul’s Utopian Vision For America Does Not – Repeat, DOES NOT – Include Slavery…
  rand paul is your new al sharpton america

Rand Paul Concedes Race For 2016 Republican Nomination

Ask not what you can do for others...ask what you can make others do for you
Rand Paul has done some opining about Ferguson, Missouri. It is some libertariany stuff you would expect about “big government” and militarizing the po-po and anyone who would give up liberty in the name of security deserves neither and hork hork hork what have you. But then Rand Paul starts talking about race, and not like he usually does, when he says the Civil Rights Act is some bullshit. Read more on Rand Paul Concedes Race For 2016 Republican Nomination…
  Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment

Drudge Sirens! You’ll Never Believe This Shocking Drudge News About Sarah Palin And Hillary Clinton!

Why, that's just UNPOSSIBLE!
Wonkers, we sure hope you’re sitting down! The Drudge Report has shocking news about a shocking poll that will give you an Alaska Shocker, which is like a regular Shocker except its icy cold shockingness will leave you with Polaroids. Hope you’re sitting down, because here is the Drudge Report’s tweeted Shocker: Read more on Drudge Sirens! You’ll Never Believe This Shocking Drudge News About Sarah Palin And Hillary Clinton!…