Tag Archives: rand paul

  Complete with matching blankies for you and your libertarian sex lover

Let’s All Poke Through Rand Paul’s Online Garage Sale And Then Not Buy Anything

Today is the day Rand Paul has been waiting for, when Rand Paul announced that Rand Paul will officially lose the 2016 election! And wouldn’t you know it, he came prepared, for he has many, many nice things for sale, in case you need Rand Paul on your tits, your dick, or your bedroom ceiling, which is where you’ll want to put that fancy eye chart up there! Yours for only $20.16! He did an eye chart, you see, because he pretends to be an ophthalmologist. Read more on Let’s All Poke Through Rand Paul’s Online Garage Sale And Then Not Buy Anything…
  Ready for Rand Because Why Not?

Happy Rand Paul Is Running For President Day, Everyone!

I got this one, DAD
It’s another glorious day in U.S. America, because according to our calendar — which we marked with lots of lolz and smiley faces and some more lolz — today is the day Senator Doctor Rand Paul declares he is running for president, hooray! Read more on Happy Rand Paul Is Running For President Day, Everyone!…
  Here have some news n stuff

Senate Can’t Find Time To Get Anything Done, Goes On Spring Break For Two Weeks

Homer Simpson for Senate Majority Leader?
Being a member of Congress really is the sweetest gig. You can suck at your job, get nothing done at all, collect a six-figure salary plus great benefits, and then take a vacation, because hey, you just worked so hard at not getting anything done, you’ve earned that break. Again: Read more on Senate Can’t Find Time To Get Anything Done, Goes On Spring Break For Two Weeks…
  This Is The Worst Cruz I've Ever Been On

All Your Excited Reactions To Ted Cruz’s Big Presidential Jesus Announcement

These Rand Paul supporters were excited to be in the front row
Ted Cruz is ready to take America down the Jesus Road to national salvation, and some people are more excited about that than others. On the one hand, you have your Tea Party Nation, which declares Cruz “the only electable Republican” because he’s very smart and is “not handcuffed with the consultant class” that has kept Real Conservatives from winning the GOP nomination, and hence the presidency. And then there are fans of other candidates, like the Liberty University students in the photo above, who wore their “Stand With Rand” t-shirts for Rand Paul and made a point of sitting in the front row. Read more on All Your Excited Reactions To Ted Cruz’s Big Presidential Jesus Announcement…
  One Toke Over The Party Line

Suddenly Everyone* Wants To Legalize Weed (*Not Everyone)

The latest Stoned Pony
To bring to life the old cliché that libertarians are just Republicans who want to get high, a couple of conservatives have unexpectedly supported various changes to marijuana laws this week. What’s more, there’s even a bill in the U.S. Senate to end the federal ban on medical weed and reclassify marijuana’s legal status from a Schedule 1 to a Schedule 2 drug, thus “allowing doctors to recommend its use in some cases to veterans, expanding access to researchers and making it easier for banks to provide services to the industry.” Read more on Suddenly Everyone* Wants To Legalize Weed (*Not Everyone)…
  Twitter diplomacy

Wait Up, Fellas! Bobby Jindal Wants To Be A Traitorous Senator Too!

Dang, still looks nothing like him.
Louisiana Gov. Bobby Howdy Doody Jindal wants to be president one day. That’s never going to happen, but just in case it does, which it never will, he’s promising not to do a single thing in the second half of his second term, because a REAL president would know better than to act like he’s still the president and, like, get stuff done. Read more on Wait Up, Fellas! Bobby Jindal Wants To Be A Traitorous Senator Too!…
  Nope

Rand Paul Preparing To Announce Plan To Not Be President

Mind: Blown
Spoiler alert, again: Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul is not going to be president. He is not even going to be the Republican nominee for president in 2016. Thanks to some special rules in Kentucky that you can only seek one office at a time, it isn’t even legal for him to run for president, if he wants to simultaneously try to keep his Senate seat, which he does, because even he knows he is not going to be president. Read more on Rand Paul Preparing To Announce Plan To Not Be President…
  of course they call it a LIBERAL arts education

No One Cares About Candidates’ College Degrees, Wingnuts Upset Anyway Because It Is A Day

When your elitist liberal friend says he wants to get a college education.
Sweet merciful Yahweh, are we really going to have to spend the next year and a half debating the merits of a college education for presidential candidates? Apparently we are, if the recent hooting over Rand Paul and Scott Walker lacking bachelor’s degrees is any indication. Count us among the camp that thinks not having completed an undergraduate degree is irrelevant to one’s qualifications for the presidency. Our last president had degrees from two Ivy League schools, and he had the intellectual firepower of a mangled squirrel being grilled for supper on the engine block of a ’73 Matador. Read more on No One Cares About Candidates’ College Degrees, Wingnuts Upset Anyway Because It Is A Day…
  middle east for dummies

Rand Paul Blames Hillary Clinton For Rise Of ISIS, New Coke, Cancellation Of Happy Endings

Yes you do and it's adorable!
Half-bright tree sloth Rand Paul seems to have decided the path to victory in the presidential election runs right over the doddering, soulless meatsuit d/b/a Hillary Clinton. So Paul has spent months needling the former secretary of state with all the puffed-up ferocity of a school of guppies. His most recent charge? That Hillary Clinton caused the rise of ISIS in Syria and Iraq by waging war in … Libya. Read more on Rand Paul Blames Hillary Clinton For Rise Of ISIS, New Coke, Cancellation Of Happy Endings…
  You Actually Are Allowed To Have Your Own Facts

Ben Carson Will Not Have You Slurring The GOP As Anti- Science, Sir

Science has preserved Chris Wallace in wax since 1997
For all of his entertaining lunacy on everything else, Ben Carson has mostly been one of the most reasonable Republican voices in the most recent weirdness over childhood vaccines. It’s almost as if he knows a whole lot about doctoring and jack shit about everything else. For instance, he quite sanely said, yes, every child should be immunized – and then, the moment the conversation turned beyond actual medicine, he added that maybe it was undocumented immigrants spreading the disease around because Obama won’t control the border. Read more on Ben Carson Will Not Have You Slurring The GOP As Anti- Science, Sir…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: The GOP Has Vax-In-Mouth Disease

Chris Christie had no comment on this screenshot
Rachel Maddow brings us Day Two of Republicans trying to figure out whether they believe in vaccinations against deadly diseases. In London, Chris Christie apparently took seriously her Monday piece about the curse of American politicians saying dumb things when they went to that city, because he refused to talk to reporters all day Tuesday, and not just about vaccinations. About anything. Read more on Morning Maddow: The GOP Has Vax-In-Mouth Disease…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Chris Christie’s Half-Vaxed London Comments (Video)

Don't Talk about MI6, Mitt!
Rachel Maddow had far too much fun Monday recounting all the times American presidential candidates have made asses of themselves while visiting London. Actually, 80 percent of those times involved Mitt Romney’s single disastrous visit, but it sure set the template. Read more on Morning Maddow: Chris Christie’s Half-Vaxed London Comments (Video)…
  giant douche noodle says what?

Rand Paul Does Not Care For Impertinent Reporter’s Questions, Is Kind Of A Dick About It

Could you be more of a dick?
The human-shaped null set that is Sen. Rand Paul of Kentucky took his talent for being a whiny dick to CNBC on Monday afternoon for an interview that made him look like a cross between Michele Bachmann and an angry furby. You knew things were not going to go well when anchorperson Kelly Evans started off by asking Paul if he had really just told incandescent rage ball Laura Ingraham that most vaccines “ought to be voluntary.” Read more on Rand Paul Does Not Care For Impertinent Reporter’s Questions, Is Kind Of A Dick About It…
  The Wonkette Media Empire

Introducing The Weekend Stock Photo Report, A Video Thing From Yr Beloved Wonkette

Here at yr Wonkette, we’re always brainstorming new ways to amuse and confound you. In that spirit, we are proud to offer this thing! It is called The Weekend Stock Photo Report With Weekend S. Photo! It is kind of a video slide show of funny pictures that we are definitely allowed to use, and a voice-over that says funny things about the politics, and boy aren’t you a lucky duckie, huh? Read more on Introducing The Weekend Stock Photo Report, A Video Thing From Yr Beloved Wonkette…
  A Noun A Verb The Constitution

Rand Paul Has A Shotgun For Your Drone, Buddy

you just keep your drones offa my lawn!
Rand Paul has some important thoughts about privately owned drones: He will blow them away with the Constitution and a shotgun. CNN did something they called a “Historic Snapchat Interview” with Rand Paul, using a popular phone app, which was such a huge success that to allow people to actually view the damned thing, they filmed it with a conventional video camera: Read more on Rand Paul Has A Shotgun For Your Drone, Buddy…
  It'll be just like Robocop or Escape From New York.

Koch Brothers Pledge $889 Million To Least Losery 2016 Candidate, If Any

They just want to buy the White House is all
If President Obama’s lame-duck “don’t give a fuck” attitude has been improving your outlook on life lately, then fresh from Freedom Partners’ annual winter summit comes some news that will send you crashing right back down to Frown Town. An anonymous source who attended the summit told the Washington Post that Big Energy kingpins Charles and David Koch, the richest elder vampires of the richest family of bloodsuckers in the world, have apparently committed to spending a staggering $889 million during the 2016 general election. In other words, an unparalleled stream of cash that would make Donald Trump blush. Read more on Koch Brothers Pledge $889 Million To Least Losery 2016 Candidate, If Any…
  libertarianism now libertarianism tomorrow libertarianism forever

Ron Paul Escapes Tethers In Son’s Basement, Heads To Fun Secession Conference For Fun

You know who else served stale croissants while yammering about liberty to a crowd?
How much fun are we going to have in 2016 watching a couple of the candidates in the GOP clown car gagging their insane fathers, shoving them into canvas sacks and dumping them into the Potomac, only to have the crazy old men chew through the gags and the canvas and paddle to the surface, where they will suck in lungfuls of air and begin spouting off about tyranny and bitcoins? Hang on, we’ve got to wipe off our keyboard. Read more on Ron Paul Escapes Tethers In Son’s Basement, Heads To Fun Secession Conference For Fun…
  It's the Derp-Derpiest Time Of The Year

Iowa Freedom Summit To Gather Most Of America’s Rightwing Idiots In One Place

Bachmann kept trying to get the Riddler into Conversion Therapy
Oh, dear lord, Iowa is going to be like a superdense mass of Dumb this weekend, as Rep. Steve King and Citizens United host the “Iowa Freedom Summit” — kind of a Moronic Convergence of rightwing political hacks all coming together to hang out with the man who proclaimed that DREAM Act kids were mostly “drug mules with thighs calves the size of cantaloupes” [how quickly we forget!] and who fretted about the president hosting a “deportable” at the State of the Union. Read more on Iowa Freedom Summit To Gather Most Of America’s Rightwing Idiots In One Place…