Tag Archives: rand paul

  this will totally work

GOP Would Like A Shot With The Blacks Once They’re Done Making Love To Barack Obama

Unfortunately Carlton Banks is not running.
It is of course a Science Fact that black people only voted for Barack Obama because he was black. This is why Alan Keyes and Allen West have also been president of America for several decades each, because all the black folks, even the dead voter fraud kind that mostly do not exist, turned out in droves to vote for them. Oh wait, that did not happen, we must have accidentally mainlined some WorldNetDaily this morning. But the GOP does tend to believe that black people blindly voted for Barack Obama. Well, once HE is out of the picture, Republicans sense an opportunity! Can they woo some black voters away in 2016, when the Kenyan Prince will be relegated to ex-boyfriend status? Read more on GOP Would Like A Shot With The Blacks Once They’re Done Making Love To Barack Obama…
  war

Lindsey Graham Promises To Be Butchest, Scariest President EVER!

Nope.
Dignified and genteel Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Other Southern White Guys) announced today that he will be seeking to lose the presidential election to Hillary Clinton, and he has two messages for US Americans: 1. He is the toughest, most badassed dude in the race, and all the foreigns are terrified of him; and 2. He is The Moderate Candidate who will bring Americans together, after our eight-year nightmare with the divisive Kenyan Socialist Commie named B. Hussein Obama. Read more on Lindsey Graham Promises To Be Butchest, Scariest President EVER!…
  They hate us for our freedoms or maybe just Rand Paul

Hero Rand Paul Saves America From NSA Spying, At Least Until Tuesday

I'm here to protect your freedom or at least ask for your vote
The Senate took the highly unusual step of working on the weekend to pass the USA Freedom Act — after it failed to do so and took a whole week off for Memorial Day anyway, like all regular Americans do. But while Majority Leader Mitch McConnell had wanted to pass a clean bill to protect our freedoms from the terrorists who want to read all our sexts and listen to our phone calls — oh wait, that’s the National Security Agency, not the terrorists, whatever — one brave senator stood in the way and blocked the bill, for freedom or at least for grandstanding and fundraising for his laughable presidential campaign: Read more on Hero Rand Paul Saves America From NSA Spying, At Least Until Tuesday…
  Who Will Be His Secretary of Patchouli?

Sure, Rand Paul Is Now A Tree Hugger, Why Not?

Oh, wow...his vibe is groovy for like 5 minutes, and then he's, like, a massive bummer
In yet another attempt to convince people who aren’t paying attention that he’s a totally different kind of Republican, Rand Paul has come out as a self-proclaimed “tree hugger” who thinks composting is groovy and that clean air and water are good things. These and other exciting revelations are in Paul’s exciting new book-shaped object that you couldn’t pay us enough to read, Taking a Stand: Moving Beyond Partisan Politics to Unite America, in bookstores today and coming soon to a remainders shelf near you. Read more on Sure, Rand Paul Is Now A Tree Hugger, Why Not?…
  Wonkette makes photo gallery like Buzzfeed

Josh Duggar Touches GOP Presidential Candidates With Same Hands What Touched His Sisters

Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross.
Josh Duggar and the entire Duggar clan are Family Values People. They believe in things like Traditional Marriage and No Trannies In The Little Girls’ Room, because apparently that’s more dangerous than Josh Duggar In The Little Girls’ Room. The family’s record of open wingnuttery and anti-gay/anti-trans hate landed young Joshua a sweet position with the Family Research Council hate group, which is headed up by Tony Perkins, who started his career off by purchasing David Duke’s mailing list. Yes, THAT David Duke. Read more on Josh Duggar Touches GOP Presidential Candidates With Same Hands What Touched His Sisters…
  document dumps

Hillary Clinton’s Emails Are Sexplosion Of Benghazi Lies, Betrayal And Glamour Shots

Delete your account, NYT
The day has finally come, where we get to begin feasting at the buffet of Hillary Clinton’s emails! Will we find the underage sex slaves and the Russian blackmail? Will we finally find a bad thing for Rand Paul to use against her, because he is too lazy to find one himself? Will we find the email confirmations from Travelocity, for a quick there-and-back trip to Benghazi, so she could personally murder the American ambassador herself??? Read more on Hillary Clinton’s Emails Are Sexplosion Of Benghazi Lies, Betrayal And Glamour Shots…
  That's not what 'libertarian' means

Rand Paul Thinks States Should Regulate Your Vag, Except For When He Wants To

He went to some kind of medical school?
The “libertarian” senator from Kentucky does not want to talk about abortion, m’kay? Bitcoins and drones and how we should go back to the 1800s except for that slavery stuff, maybe, and Bill Clinton’s blowjob (totally Hillary’s fault) — that’s all good. Rand Paul loves that stuff. He will trip over his own tongue ALL DAY on that nonsense. But little babbies and whether he wants to save them or kill them dead, in your womb? Nah, man, that’s not why he’s been a senator for .37 seconds and is already ready to pretend he’s ready to be president: Read more on Rand Paul Thinks States Should Regulate Your Vag, Except For When He Wants To…
  Somewhere Somehow Somebody Must Have Kicked You Around Some

Rand Paul: Why Help Iraqi Refugees? We Won, So Suck It, Losers.

Somewhere somehow somebody must have kicked him around some. Maybe in the head.
Libertarian Superstar Rand Paul brought his trademark “Every issue must be discussed like a 2 AM bull session in the Objectivist Dorm” sensibilities to the issue of resettling Iraqi refugees, explaining that we don’t need to help those people, because for godssake, we won the war over there. Doesn’t anyone remember how we won that war? Read more on Rand Paul: Why Help Iraqi Refugees? We Won, So Suck It, Losers….
  Now we know

Jeb ‘The Smart One’ Bush Determined To Prove He’s Just As Stupid As His Brother

Yes, he's that dumb
Jeb Bush has dreamed of being president since, oh, the last century. His dumb big brother got to skip ahead of him (UNFAIR, Dad), but now it is finally Jeb’s turn. So given his decades of dreaming and scheming and preparationing, you’d think he would know how to answer the most obvious question he will be asked during his not-yet-official campaign: Are you a fucking idiot just like your brother? Read more on Jeb ‘The Smart One’ Bush Determined To Prove He’s Just As Stupid As His Brother…
  Teach us oh white people!

How Are White Wingnuts Fixing The Blacks Of Baltimore This Week?

The cats are cuter than anything you'll read in this post.
Ever since the alleged police murder of Freddie Gray and the rioting that followed, white wingnuts have been trying SO HARD to do something — anything! — to help the poor black communities of Baltimore recover and move on from this tragedy. Because they care so much, honest! Should we cut off their food stamps? Give everybody more guns, so they can Stand Their Ground? Send them all some more Jesus, and good dads like Rand Paul? Well, worry not, because there are still more turd ideas to throw at the wall, so here is this week’s roundup of White Wingnut Wisdom for Baltimorean Blacks! Read more on How Are White Wingnuts Fixing The Blacks Of Baltimore This Week?…
  that's not racial transcendence

What If We Cut Off Food Stamps And Starve The Poors In Baltimore? That Might Work!

Baltimore’s citizens are as mad as hell and sick and tired of being sick and tired, and every jerkhole with a mouth has an opinion about what they really need to shut ’em up and make ’em stop being so mad and sick and tired and and protesting about it and getting themselves beaten up and killed by the police all the time. Read more on What If We Cut Off Food Stamps And Starve The Poors In Baltimore? That Might Work!…
  Clintongate

National Review: But What About The Clintons’ Underage Sex Slaves And Russian Blackmail?

Delete your subscription
Conservatives have yet to uncover The Scandal that will, once and for all and forever, destroy history’s greatest monsters, Bill and Hillary Clinton. Not for lack of trying — for decades, with a bazillionteen dollars, and an army of rightwing organizations dedicated to inspecting every scrap of toilet paper that ever wiped a Clinton’s butthole. And not without the aid of the media, even the “liberal” media like the New York Times, always happy to imply that if the Clintons drew a breath, it was perhaps illegal, immoral, unethical, or too horrifically X-rated to explain to the children. Read more on National Review: But What About The Clintons’ Underage Sex Slaves And Russian Blackmail?…
  these boys seem nice

Florida Frat Shut Down, Just For Whizzing On Flags And Cussing Disabled Veterans

Scene may have looked like this.
And now for a dispatch from the “what kind of entitled, malcontent douchenozzle shit are America’s fraternity boys getting into these days?” file! So this fraternity at the University of Florida, Zeta Beta Tau, was having its spring formal in Panama City Beach, Florida, at the same resort that was hosting the Warrior Beach Retreat, which, according to its website, is a gathering intended to give our disabled veterans a damn week off to relax in the Florida sunshine. So, of course the frat boys thought it would be a good idea to get shithoused drunk and piss all over the vets’ American flags, all while cussing at them: Read more on Florida Frat Shut Down, Just For Whizzing On Flags And Cussing Disabled Veterans…