Tag Archives: rand paul

  THE PERSECUTION HAS BEGUNNETH!!!!

Kim Davis Is In Jail, And Wingnuts Are Jizz-Crapping Their Pull-Ups In RAGE!

Kim Davis, RIGHT NOW.
Kim Davis, RIGHT NOW. CRU-CI-FY! CRU-CI-FY! CRU-CI-FY! Oh, we are just joshing, nobody wants Kim Davis crucified. (OR DO WE?) Wingnuts, though? Remember that time they lost their whole country in the span of a week, because gay marriage was legalized and the Confederate flag came down? Well, they’ve lost it again! NO COUNTRY FOR STUPID WINGNUTS, that’s what we like to say. And they are good and damn sure that a judge putting Kentucky clerk Kim Davis in jail for failing to do HER EFFING JOB is just the beginning of the persecution and the Holocaust and getting ISIS-ed right in their fundamentalist Christian shame buttholes. Because this is the sad thing about wingnuts: They think we care about them enough to actively persecute them. Awwww. The sad truth is that decent Americans are more than happy to abide these dumbasses in our midst, for entertainment purposes mostly, as long as they follow the law. How simple is that? Read more on Kim Davis Is In Jail, And Wingnuts Are Jizz-Crapping Their Pull-Ups In RAGE!…
  The roundup to end all roundups

Which Republican Candidate Can Lick That Kentucky Clerk Lady’s Knob Best?

LINE UP, BOYS!
LINE UP, BOYS! Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis, she is the “it” topic in our political conversation right now! Is she a dumb hick lady who thinks her loving God will roast her in hell for all eterntity, on a pyre made of her own jumpers, for signing a gay marriage license? Yes! Is the Liberty Counsel using her as its pawn in a culture war it’s already lost? Ayup! Did she do so much adultery before she gave her heart to Jesus, it’ll make your head spin trying to figure out which husbands she was fuckin’ at any given time in her life or who her baby daddy is? Bingo! Despite all this, is she a great American religious freedom fighter hero? Some Republican presidential candidates sure think so! Read more on Which Republican Candidate Can Lick That Kentucky Clerk Lady’s Knob Best?…
  Criming While White

Rand Paul: It’s ‘American’ To Be Rude Law-Breaker, As Long As You’re White

Funny strange, not funny ha ha
Were we not, just the other day, rolling our eyes at Sen. Rand Paul for explaining that Black Lives Matters is Taking A Stand all wrong, because those people are NOT fighting the system according to society’s rules of polite behavior, and also, wouldn’t it be so much better if they talked about other lives mattering, actually? Yes, we were! And we hear Black Lives Matters is so ON IT, and changing its name right now and promising to be real nice and only protest the system using tactics pre-approved by the senator. Read more on Rand Paul: It’s ‘American’ To Be Rude Law-Breaker, As Long As You’re White…
  wonksplainer

Congress Planning New, Exciting Ways To Screw You In The Bottom This Fall

Congress
Don’t be a hero. Congress is coming back to DC, and you need this. Raise your hand if you are about to get fucked over by Congress. (Hint: All of you should have a hand raised.) Now use the other hand to pour yourself a stiff drink, because you’re gonna need it. Read more on Congress Planning New, Exciting Ways To Screw You In The Bottom This Fall…
  If you could just not

Rand Paul Suggests Black Lives Matter Focus On Other Lives Instead

Who understands race better than these guys? Noted race expert Rand Paul chatted with fellow race expert Sean Hannity the other night, and the senator from Kentucky had some terrific advice for Black Lives Matter, for which its leaders will no doubt be sending him an Edible Arrangement to express their gratitude. Sure, the movement has recently released its own platform, called “Campaign Zero,” detailing 10 policy solutions, none of which are “cut taxes” or “more dads and better morals.” So clearly, they’re in need of Rand’s expertise. Tell ’em how they can best achieve their goals of combating police violence in their communities, Senator: Read more on Rand Paul Suggests Black Lives Matter Focus On Other Lives Instead…
  As Constitutional As They Wanna Be

GOP Candidates Take Knife To Messican-Loving Parts Of Constitution

Considering that's an 1861 flag, maybe we should let the little Timelord stay
Considering that’s an 1861 flag, maybe we should let the little Timelord stay You old folks may remember a time when it was actually controversial, back in 2010, when Iowa congressmelon Steve King wanted to trash the 14th Amendment and its guarantee of birthright citizenship, so Our Nation wouldn’t sink to the sea floor under the weight of all those “anchor babies” the illegals were having. Since then, though, a whole bunch of other Republicans have become quite open to throwing the 14th Amendment right out the Overton Window. You see, while some amendments are holy and can never be restricted — like the Second, which preserves all the others at the mere cost of 30,000 dead Americans annually — others have unintended consequences that simply can’t be tolerated, like how the 14th lets Messicans from all over Latin America come here and pop out a bunch of new citizens who have to be treated as if they had rights or something. Read more on GOP Candidates Take Knife To Messican-Loving Parts Of Constitution…
  Misty Corndog Cramming Memories

Where Were You When Michele Bachmann Became Princess Of Iowa 4 Years Ago?

We were a more innocent nation back then
It was a simpler time, a time before Benghazi, a time before the Obamacare computers were all kerflooey, a time when America still believed it was possible for a bright-eyed crazy lady who never quite focused on your face but could really deep-throat a foot-long corndog could become president. Actually, only rightwing loons in Iowa believed that. But it’s hard to believe that it was only four short years ago when Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll, putting her on the path to the nomination, or at least several completely bizarre debate appearances and an eventual decision by the Associated Press to give up on fact-checking the insane drivel coming from her mouthparts. Read more on Where Were You When Michele Bachmann Became Princess Of Iowa 4 Years Ago?…
  squeal for me baby

You (Probably) Won’t Have Sexy Daddy Rick Perry To Kick Around, Fap To

Stupid Fox News. Stupid RNC. Stupid everyone who didn’t support Rick Perry and made him debate at the kids’ table and now he is out of money and doubtless going to be the first to drop out of the presidential race because he is having to do mortifying things like “fly commercial” and who are we going to diddle our beans at now, beady-eyed ferret-dad Scott Walker? Rick Perry may be A Idiot, but he’s got a real purty mouth, and we like to look at it and think bad thoughts, STOP JUDGING ME YOU’RE THE ONE WHO GOT A BONE FOR AARON SCHOCK. Read more on You (Probably) Won’t Have Sexy Daddy Rick Perry To Kick Around, Fap To…
  Ragged Dickhead

Rand Paul Says Hard Work And Tax Cuts Will Make Everyone Rich, Especially The Rich

Funny strange, not funny ha ha
On “Fox News Sunday” (on Fox News, Sunday), Rand Paul offered some inspiring thoughts on how the economy really works, based purely on the theories of Ayn Rand plus multiple massive bong hits: Tax rates have nothing to do with who gets wealthy in America. Rather, wealth is simply an indicator of how good you are at doing capitalism to other people. Paul rejected the idea that economic policy has any effect on who wins and who loses in the economy, which will certainly come as news to the army of corporate lobbyists who’ve been writing our great nation’s tax code since the Reagan era. Read more on Rand Paul Says Hard Work And Tax Cuts Will Make Everyone Rich, Especially The Rich…
  Republicans in so much damned disarray

Republicans Bleeding From Their Everywheres, And It Is Awesome

They sure love us
How’s the lady outreach going? The Republican Party is in the middle of a terribly bloody fight right now about which one of these assholes is the biggest asshole to women. (Hint: It’s all of them.) Thanks to the party’s current favorite presidential contender, Donald Trump, the GOP is trying, yet again, to prove it does not hate Vagina-Americans. And, like all the other failed attempts before this one, it’s going as well as you’d expect. Read more on Republicans Bleeding From Their Everywheres, And It Is Awesome…
  Hillary be like ROTFLMAO

Hillary Clinton Can’t Stop Laughing At Dumbass Republicans

This election is going better than 2008, we think.
Donald Trump is under the impression he won Thursday’s debate, but that honor may actually go to America’s queen, Hillary “Hillz” Clinton, who seems to be having a gay old time, no homo, making fun of all the doofuses and dillweeds what are running against her on the Republican side. First we have the video above, which her campaign released just in case people missed the debate and want to see what happened. It’s got Jeb! Bush not knowing when the primaries are, Rand Paul and Chris Christie slap-fighting like schoolchildren, Donald Trump calling every lady in America a “fat pig,” and so on. Read more on Hillary Clinton Can’t Stop Laughing At Dumbass Republicans…
  losers

Spoiler: None Of These GOP Jerkholes Are Going To Be President

Today’s Republican Party So there is a presidential election thingy, and it is a mere 15 months away, which means we all get to spend the next year(ish) talking all the words about it, hooray! We get to squint at a trillion polls, and read 10 trillion pixelated Hot Takes, and listen to eleventeen trillion “thoughts” sharted from the derp holes of television fat heads, hooray even more! We even get to spend 31 hours a day debating who gave the Koch brothers the best head, who is maybe heading to prison, who wore it best, who’s up, who’s down, and who the fuck is that on the debate stage? (Oh, it’s Jim Gilmore. Wait, who? Some guy, don’t worry about it.) Read more on Spoiler: None Of These GOP Jerkholes Are Going To Be President…
  Every Word Is A Drinking Game

Liveblogging The Pathetic Embarrassing First Tier GOP Losers Debate: A Live Blog

He’s ready. YOU ready? Didn’t we all have such a good time laughing at the second-tier candidates’ debate? We sure did! Now let’s watch Donald Trump and the other guys have their turn. And hey, if you missed the Kids’ Table debate from earlier today, like during “All My Children” or whenever it was on, go read Wonkette’s live-blog of that, and catch up on all the news about how Lindsey Graham is going to die alone, Carly Fiorina sexts with Bibi Netanyahu and Rick Santorum used “optimism” to put seven babies in his wife’s butt. // < ![CDATA[ (function() { var lb24 = document.createElement('script'); lb24.type = 'text/javascript'; lb24.id = '24lbScript'; lb24.async = true; lb24.charset="utf-8"; lb24.src = '//v.24liveblog.com/embed/24.js?id=1299000'; (document.getElementsByTagName('head')[0] || document.getElementsByTagName('body')[0]).appendChild(lb24);})(); // ]]> Read more on Liveblogging The Pathetic Embarrassing First Tier GOP Losers Debate: A Live Blog…
  All your questions answered

Donald Trump And Nine Other Losers Walk Into A Bar: Your Wonkette Debate Preview!

You know, if you're not doing anything else that night LOL
It’s almost here, everyone, it’s almost here! The moment we have all been waiting for (kind of!) comes Thursday night, when the top ten Republican candidates, as chosen by Fox News Science, will show us their junk on live television! Donald Trump is the frontrunner, because a significant percentage of the Republican base is even dumber than the other percentages of the Republican base, and are impressed by loud men who act like they’re overcompensating for small penises and small minds. They’re like, “Awwww, reminds me of Daddy, PBUH.” Except they probably don’t say “PBUH,” because that’s Muslin. Read more on Donald Trump And Nine Other Losers Walk Into A Bar: Your Wonkette Debate Preview!…
  Vote for Ted Cruz and his boomstick

Ted Cruz Would Like You To Think About His Penis Wrapped In Bacon

“In Texas,” says Canadian-born Cuban Ted Cruz, “we cook bacon a little differently than most folks.” How’s that, you’re not even wondering, but he’s gonna show you anyway. See, while other Americans might cook bacon the lazy way — on the stovetop or in the oven or maybe even the microwave — Texas-Americans drive to their favorite local gun range, wrap strips of bacon around the barrel of a machine gun, POW! POW! POW! at a target until the bacon grease collects in a pool on the ground, and voila! It’s both an efficient and hygienic way of enjoying the cornerstone of any healthy breakfast. Read more on Ted Cruz Would Like You To Think About His Penis Wrapped In Bacon…