Wonkette

Ralph Nader spent 1000 man-hours coming up with this fundraising plea: “I’ve had a lot of hummus. Hummus is nutritious. And delicious. It makes you stronger and healthier. So, Bloomberg’s report on the Lebanese claim to hummus got me to thinking about an idea that would help us raise funds to push our substantive agenda onto the front burner of American politics. If you donate to Nader/Gonazlez by midnight tonight an amount that has the number three in it (three being the number of lemons in my mom’s hummus recipe), we’ll e-mail to you Rose Nader’s hummus recipe tomorrow.” Eh, sorry, we don’t have e-mail. [Hotline]

Perhaps the only organization more press release-happy than MoveOn.org is the Nader-Gonzalez campaign, and for that reason alone they should be dumped in a pit of half-rotten venomous snakes with Joe Lieberman and set on fire, slowly. But also! They have a new press release with statistics that show, somehow, that Ralph Nader will maybe siphon off McCain voters and give Barack Obama and even bigger lead in the general election. Huh? MORE »

Oh how fantastic, exactly what we wanted to hear, Ralph Nader weaseled his way onto the Florida ballot! WE ARE SO HAPPY FOR RALPH NADER, WHO HAS JUST MADE THE FLORIDA BALLOT. The heroic party that picked him up is the Ecology Party, which must be like the secret “art film wing” of the much larger Republican Party.

America’s happiest moment in eight years was when that dude in a bear suit comically walked down the beach while that local-teevee reporter described some invisible pier, during Hurricane Ike. Poor old Ralph Nader wonders aloud, to his running mate, a bird named “Gonzalez,” if maybe he should wear a bear suit and fuck a panda at the National Zoo. Sure, why not. Nader also asks, sadly, why nobody wants to cover his campaign. The answer is simple: YOU RUINED EVERYTHING IN 2000, NADER. IT IS YOUR FAULT, ALL OF THIS. [Andrew Sullivan]

Here are some important new Battleground polls that you should take with a grain of salt, because they have not factored in Ron Paul’s 1/3-endorsement of Ralph Nader today. Otherwise, these are pretty good signs for Obama — after all, they were conducted Sept. 7-9, a three-day period during which Democrats caved entirely to their old friend Self-Loathing and Republicans were gaining media traction with the impossible idea that they care about women at all. So why is it that New Hampshire and Michigan are being so Sexist? [The Page]

Ron Paul’s very special press conference has ended and, we regret to inform, it featured no “Tournament of Losers”-style death match among the various third-party candidates he invited. He totally copped out and endorsed three third-party candidates: Ralph Nader, Cynthia McKinney, and Chuck Baldwin. He was planning on endorsing Bob Barr, too, but selfish Barr didn’t want to share the blessing with his fellow losers and refused to show up. Ha ha, Bob Barr is in loser-denial. But Paul redeemed his hazy endorsement of these competing hippie agendas by revealing that Phil “Nation of Whiners” Gramm tried to force him into endorsing John McCain. And somehow Paul fended off his heroically persuasive powers! MORE »

Look, Ron Paul, YOU WIN, FINE, YOU AND YOUR SUPPORTERS ARE GREAT, now will you please go away for a long time and play with your gold bricks, alone? Of course he won’t, which is why he’s making yet another “special announcement” tomorrow about some useless new thing he’s cookin’ up. He’s almost as bad of an attention whore as Ralph Nader, who Paul has invited to tomorrow’s press conference. Cynthia McKinney too! Bob Barr too! Chuck Baldwin (the Constitutional Party candidate) too! What a depressing quintet of failure. MORE »

Look everyone, Wonkette videographer Liz “Polaroid” Glover is here in the Twin Cities doing those interviews that you love so much. Hooray! Yesterday or the day before or something, she caught up with conspiracy theory/New World Order media kingpin Alex Jones to discuss, among other things, his confrontation with cryptofascist blogger Michelle Malkin in Denver as captured in this hilarious video. What a guy. After the jump, another video where Liz asks him about some ridiculous crap she just made up on the spot re: Ralph Nader. He answers it. MORE »

OH GREAT, NADER IS ALSO HAVING A DENVER SUPER-DUPER RALLY: They’re churning out the e-mails over at Nader-Gonzales world headquarters today: “The Headquarters’ energy is fully concentrated on Nader’s “Open the Debates’ Denver Super Rally at the Magness Arena at 7 p.m. on Aug 27, during the Democratic National Convention. Ralph Nader … is currently at 6 percent in the latest CNN poll and on track to be on the ballot in 45 states.” [Vote Nader]

First, plans were made for the Republican convention in St. Paul during the first week of September, at the Xcel Center, starring John “Oh him” McCain. Then, wacky freedom-fighter Ron Paul and his Campaign for Literacy anounced a Paultard rally, a weeklong thing that would also take place during the first week of September, but at the Pepsi Center in Minneapolis. Oh and there’s also a socialist May Day rally of some kind, which we only know about because hey, free Steve Earle concert. But also: dirty hippies and laborists. And today we learn Ralph “Malph” Nader is having his secret rally in Minneapolis, too. MORE »

With an astounding 2,000 signatures (that means every Rhode Islander signed this petition twice), supporters of Ralph Nader and Matt Gonzales will FORMALLY SUBMIT PAPERWORK today to get their candidates on the November 2008 election ballot in the Ocean State. According to a campaign announcement, freedom will now ring from West Warwick to Usquepaugh, from the Big Blue Bug off I-95 to Trustom Pond, and all will hoist a frothing mug of coffee milk to their new consumer advocate overlord.

Ralph Nader decided to open his trap about Barack Obama on Monday in an interview with the Rocky Mountain News, AND: “There’s only one thing different about Barack Obama when it comes to being a Democratic presidential candidate. He’s half African-American. Whether that will make any difference, I don’t know. I haven’t heard him have a strong crackdown on economic exploitation in the ghettos. Payday loans, predatory lending, asbestos, lead. What’s keeping him from doing that? Is it because he wants to talk white?” Indeed, why can’t Wonder Bread Obama over here find himself a damn niche already? [Rocky Mountain News]

Proving that Obama’s 15-point lead in last week’s Newsweek poll was a liberal hoax, a hot new LA Times poll has Obama’s lead diminishing to a statistically insignificant 12 points, or 15 if you include fictional losers Bob Barr and Ralph Nader. Also, among voters who said they’d vote for McCain, only 45% are “enthusiastic” about doing that (Mexican vs. Muslim, pick your poison etc. etc.), while that figure is 81% for Obama. This just goes to show how screwed the Democrats will be come November. Sooner or later these Obamatards will realize that in the Real World, you don’t “like” politicians or presume they’ve got anything good to offer; you vote for the schlock you completely fucking hate, because why set yourself up for disappointment? [LA Times]

Just when you think nothing can top the antics of Paultards and Hilltardz, the Naderites of Elections Past are back to show you how it’s done. Despite being completely ignored by all media, Ralph Nader gets 6% of the vote in a new CNN poll. WTF? MORE »