Ugh. NADER. He’s been such a dick the last few days. His communications guy has been sending out all of these sarcastic (”pathetic”) e-mails; for example, there was one about how Nader won a mock election in some hippie high school and then decided that they were all more ethical than Obama. And then there was that snippy soundbite press conference. And the shit-flavored hummus. And now this: calling Obama an “Uncle Tom” after his victory and thereby forcing us to side with SHEP F*#$@$ SMITH in the above clip. MORE »

Who is the most temperamental, childish, stunt-driven candidate in the 2008 election? If you answered WALNUTS!, you’re close, but you are still wrong. The answer is Ralph Nader, who, coincidentally, also has the worst hummus recipe of any candidate for high public office. Today Nader held a press conference and refused to supply more than a one-word answer to every question. This was a “statement,” apparently, on the “sound-byte nature of election coverage.” MORE »

The ceremonial (but real!) first votes are in from the spooky midnight rites in Dixville Notch, New Hampshire, and Barack Obama is officially winning the presidential election, 15 votes to 6. Also, this is a comical sentence: “Independent Ralph Nader was also on the ballot, but received no votes.” Curses! We had just bought $5k worth of “Nader” on Intrade. [AP]

Wonkette operative John Scholle reports: “FYI I paid $3 for Ralph Nader’s hummus recipe thinking it would make an interesting dish to bring to the election party I’m attending. It is WAY garlicky. It called for four cloves and I put in four cloves but the garlic is so strong it burns. Ralph can’t even get hummus right.”

Ralph Nader spent 1000 man-hours coming up with this fundraising plea: “I’ve had a lot of hummus. Hummus is nutritious. And delicious. It makes you stronger and healthier. So, Bloomberg’s report on the Lebanese claim to hummus got me to thinking about an idea that would help us raise funds to push our substantive agenda onto the front burner of American politics. If you donate to Nader/Gonazlez by midnight tonight an amount that has the number three in it (three being the number of lemons in my mom’s hummus recipe), we’ll e-mail to you Rose Nader’s hummus recipe tomorrow.” Eh, sorry, we don’t have e-mail. [Hotline]

Perhaps the only organization more press release-happy than MoveOn.org is the Nader-Gonzalez campaign, and for that reason alone they should be dumped in a pit of half-rotten venomous snakes with Joe Lieberman and set on fire, slowly. But also! They have a new press release with statistics that show, somehow, that Ralph Nader will maybe siphon off McCain voters and give Barack Obama and even bigger lead in the general election. Huh? MORE »

Oh how fantastic, exactly what we wanted to hear, Ralph Nader weaseled his way onto the Florida ballot! WE ARE SO HAPPY FOR RALPH NADER, WHO HAS JUST MADE THE FLORIDA BALLOT. The heroic party that picked him up is the Ecology Party, which must be like the secret “art film wing” of the much larger Republican Party.

America’s happiest moment in eight years was when that dude in a bear suit comically walked down the beach while that local-teevee reporter described some invisible pier, during Hurricane Ike. Poor old Ralph Nader wonders aloud, to his running mate, a bird named “Gonzalez,” if maybe he should wear a bear suit and fuck a panda at the National Zoo. Sure, why not. Nader also asks, sadly, why nobody wants to cover his campaign. The answer is simple: YOU RUINED EVERYTHING IN 2000, NADER. IT IS YOUR FAULT, ALL OF THIS. [Andrew Sullivan]

Here are some important new Battleground polls that you should take with a grain of salt, because they have not factored in Ron Paul’s 1/3-endorsement of Ralph Nader today. Otherwise, these are pretty good signs for Obama — after all, they were conducted Sept. 7-9, a three-day period during which Democrats caved entirely to their old friend Self-Loathing and Republicans were gaining media traction with the impossible idea that they care about women at all. So why is it that New Hampshire and Michigan are being so Sexist? [The Page]

Ron Paul’s very special press conference has ended and, we regret to inform, it featured no “Tournament of Losers”-style death match among the various third-party candidates he invited. He totally copped out and endorsed three third-party candidates: Ralph Nader, Cynthia McKinney, and Chuck Baldwin. He was planning on endorsing Bob Barr, too, but selfish Barr didn’t want to share the blessing with his fellow losers and refused to show up. Ha ha, Bob Barr is in loser-denial. But Paul redeemed his hazy endorsement of these competing hippie agendas by revealing that Phil “Nation of Whiners” Gramm tried to force him into endorsing John McCain. And somehow Paul fended off his heroically persuasive powers! MORE »

Look, Ron Paul, YOU WIN, FINE, YOU AND YOUR SUPPORTERS ARE GREAT, now will you please go away for a long time and play with your gold bricks, alone? Of course he won’t, which is why he’s making yet another “special announcement” tomorrow about some useless new thing he’s cookin’ up. He’s almost as bad of an attention whore as Ralph Nader, who Paul has invited to tomorrow’s press conference. Cynthia McKinney too! Bob Barr too! Chuck Baldwin (the Constitutional Party candidate) too! What a depressing quintet of failure. MORE »