Sexy text-messager Kwame Kilpatrick doesn’t want his “legal problems” to reflect poorly on Barack Obama, so he won’t be attending a rally to support the candidate in Detroit today. “Legal problems” is certainly one way of putting it! Pretty much everybody in the Detroit metropolitan area has tried to get Mayor Kilpatrick to resign after it came out that he and his staffer ladyfriend basically got a cop fired and later lied about it, all so that they could keep texting each other about how much they wanted to LOL each other in a sexy fashion at the Benz Chili Bowl. Naturally, when the city council tried to fire him he vetoed the motion because that would be Undemocratic. MORE »

Silly Barry Obama held a rally with 75,000 attendees in Portland, Oregon today. Jesus, don’t people go to church anymore, or has Obama converted all the kids to Islam (via MTV)? According to the Washington Post, “The sea of heads stretches for half a mile along the grassy embankment, while others watch from kayaks and power boats bobbing on the Willamette River. More hug the rails of the steel bridge that stretches across the water and crowds are even watching from jetties on the opposite shore.” After the jump, a picture of that. MORE »

Are you feeling extra hippieish today, hippies? Maybe a little more communal, communists? That’s because it’s May Day, the main drunken pagan sex holiday of the first week of May. In fact, today used to be America’s Labor Day, until right-wing bloggers of the Soviet era found out it was actually a commie holiday built around the commie traditions of a) abortion and b) colorful paper streamers. And then the evil “May Day” was patriotically converted into “Loyalty Day” … but did anybody tell the Mexicans? MORE »

Here is some video from last night’s Hillary Clinton rally at the University of Pennsylvania, including Stephanie Tubbs Jones getting fired up and having a verbal hernia. There’s a cappella and some cameraman giving Liz the middle finger. Then the Mayor of Philadelphia, Michael Nutter, says “MUST BE SOME VOTIN GETTIN READY TO HAPPEN UP IN HERE.” Then Chelsea comes on and says “my mom and my dad blah blah blah, I am the human in this family.” Then Bill Clinton lies, he lies a lot. You’ve never heard someone lie more in your life than you have Bill Clinton at a rally for his wife. But he sounds so nice, still. Then they play a song from the Ford commercials, the end.

Here are Ron Paul’s supporters, still leading the Ron Paul rEVOLution, on the lawn of the U.S. Capitol yesterday at a rally, gazing longingly at George Washington’s aluminum-tipped erect penis in the distance. Did you know that Ron Paul will also have a famous obelisk-cum-penis when he is president, again? More pictures of his concubines dancing the dance of Freedom, after the jump! MORE »

Doomed presidential candidate Ron Paul is truly leading a movement, and the proof is in the massive turnouts he regularly achieves…and the tragically low number of people he is able to convert into actual voters. Last Saturday in Austin he held a rally of semi-historic proportions, gathering 4,000 people on the University of Texas campus to hear him rail against the criminal Federal Reserve. And that day, a whopping 54 people cast an early ballot on campus for a Republican presidential candidate. Assuming every one of those votes went to Dr. Paul, he will only need approximately eleventy zillion more rally-goers to clinch his party’s nomination. [Burnt Orange Report, Daily Texan]

Here’s a video some random person took of Ron Paul at yesterday’s big Roe vee Wade Anti-Abortion Party. He rambles about murder and the Constitution and life and babies, and it’s unsettling. To the ladies out there, a query: Can you imagine Ron Paul being your OB/GYN? Like, if you had a choice between (a) immediate death and (b) opening your eyes just after delivering your first child, excitement beyond measure, and seeing a hunched, grizzled Dr. Ron Paul grinning over your baby asking “Who is John Galt?” — would you choose (b)? Just throwing it out there. [Raw Story, YouTube]

Wow, we thought we’d have to search a *little* to find an obnoxious and misdirected Paultard rally, but here we are working at the Radisson in Manchester — where Fox News is not hosting any Paul-excluding forums tonight — and the shit starts raining. They’re chanting about some document called the Constitution. We hear New Hamphshire’s is working out swell for all parties, balanced budgets and the like, so maybe they mean to say the Articles of Confederation.

“Virtual March?” You don’t even need to actually show up to march on Washington anymore! Thanks, Chamber of Commerce! MORE »

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Katherine Harris has rally to demonstrate support of GOP bigwigs, no one shows up. MORE »