Tag Archives: rain

  a hard rain's gonna fall

Your Precious Little Boyfriend Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley Taxing The Heavens And God Himself

Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s intrepid dick, Matthew Boyle, has broken another important story, and it is that Martin O’Malley, governor of Maryland and your boyfriend, is taxing RAIN. Haw haw haw what a dummy, Martin O’Malley. Your arms too short to tax with God! Let us see what the Great Heretic is trying to do today: Read more on Your Precious Little Boyfriend Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley Taxing The Heavens And God Himself…
  never ever getting back together

Matt Drudge Has Melancholy Breakup With America, Tweets Sad Poetry

Matt Drudge, long known as the man behind the homepage of the Internet for people who still think it’s 1998, has recently taken to posting on Twitter.¬†Because he is basically just a crazy, hyperemotional shill, it turns out that what goes on under the hat is a continual¬†teenage-lesbian-poetry breakup with America. Read more on Matt Drudge Has Melancholy Breakup With America, Tweets Sad Poetry…
  wonkette on the street

Occupation Dispatch #10, In Which Riley Prepares To Be Cleaned & Beaten

Hello again! Your #OWS correspondent has returned from a weird, rainy night full of …. cleaning? In the above YouTube movie, we see two park savages frantically trying to sweep away all of the bodily fluids and hypodermic needles that have accumulated over the last few weeks in Zuccotti Park. (Is that soapy water, or “runoff” from the constant finger-bang Groupons that are going on at all hours of the day, according to Sean Hannity? We’ll never know/of course it’s semen!) This OCD cleaning session was part of a malicious and extremely successful plan to make Michael Bloomberg and his billionaire pals looks like complete douchebags — and hooray, it worked! Poor (but actually very rich) Michael Bloomberg! Maybe the FBI could murder everyone in Zuccotti Park and then blame Iran? No, that would be retarded. Read more on Occupation Dispatch #10, In Which Riley Prepares To Be Cleaned & Beaten…
  this water needs more corn syrup

Blame Barack Obama for Flooding the East Coast

Somehow this proves/disproves global warming and also where’s the birth certificate? All of this at once: Tropical Storm Nicole only lasted a few hours, but its remnants, along with a stalled frontal boundary, are expected to dump heavy rain Thursday on parts of the Eastern Seaboard. Read more on Blame Barack Obama for Flooding the East Coast…
  rumors on the internets

Fox News Smells A Stinky Oil Conspiracy

Matt Yglesias is reaping the many benefits of “blogging whilst standing” — a yoga position championed by Donald Rumsfeld. [Matt Yglesias] A squadron of Eliot Ness Zombies raided a bar in Philly and confiscated a bunch of microbrew IPAs and a keg of Miller Genuine Draft Light 64. [Hit & Run] Read more on Fox News Smells A Stinky Oil Conspiracy…
  weather alert

JOHN McCAIN PUSSES OUT ON RAINY RALLY; OBAMA STAYS: Well ladies and gentlemen, that settles it. Your brave war hero John McCain does not want to hold an outdoor rally in the rain in Pennsylvania, while an hour away, Barack Obama the Hawaiian shark god whips a drenched crowd of 9.000 into an orgiastic frenzy. What is wrong with all these terrible hippies, standing in the rain to listen to some guy talk about hope while his teleprompter breaks. [FOX News] Read more on …
  the war on obama's christmas

Fundies Literally Praying For Rain During Obama’s Convention Speech

“Doctor” James Dobson’s hub of fundies, Focus on the Family, is worse than Hitler, Stalin, Chairman Mao, Lyndon Johnson and Senator-cum-Emperor freaking Palpatine combined, times a billion, squared, plus seven. While some “new-wave” fundies show potential to be not quite as awful — they care about poverty! — we still have to deal with the likes of Old Dobson and his minions, however muted they are these days, for like another 10 years before he hopefully dies, alone, one cell croaking painfully at a time. Look at these twats, now they are “praying for a deluge to drown out Barack Obama at the Democratic National Convention in two weeks’ time.” They are asking for “abundant, torrential” downpours. And they’ve made a video for this! Read more on Fundies Literally Praying For Rain During Obama’s Convention Speech…
 

The Weathers Will Ruin Our Political Process

Apparently the weather hates freedom, because it is a bitch to get to the polls today. Snow, fog, thunderstorms…let’s see, can we get a plague of locusts somewheres? Rain of frogs, pustules of some sort? Oh looky there was a “rash” of traffic accidents in northern Wisconsin. With just a dab of “wintry mix” on his side, George Bush can be president forever! [AP/Google] Read more on The Weathers Will Ruin Our Political Process…
 

Washington DC to Become Quaint Portrait of a Simpler Time, Also Drown

The National Capital Planning Commission predicts that the entirety of Washington, DC will become a charming and bizarre underwater Victorian photo-postcard, reports the Examiner. A worst-case-scenario flood could turn the Jefferson Memorial into an island and flood the National Mall up to the Reflecting Pool, the report said. Read more on Washington DC to Become Quaint Portrait of a Simpler Time, Also Drown…
 

The Nation’s Most Irregularious States

No one will vote in the following states today: In Indiana, the brand-new touch-screen voting machines are (shockingly) totally useless and confusing. Because voting is both for and run by old people, no one can even turn them on. Poll workers couldn’t turn on “about half” of Marion Country’s machines. Read more on The Nation’s Most Irregularious States…
 

Wonkette’s Week in Review: Not Made of Sugar

* The Supreme Court bench-slapped the White House in the Gitmo military tribunal case. Tony Snow is unfazed: “Oh, those wacky Supreme Court justices, who knows what those guys mean!” * Katherine Harris: just as crazy as last week. Read more on Wonkette’s Week in Review: Not Made of Sugar…
 

Metro Section: 9-5 Is For Suckers

* Late to work? Blame it on Canada. [Movering] * DC’s all about productivity. [Logged Hours] * The twenty-dollar bill you keep on the outside of your pack of ones: it’s a little out of date. [Free Ride] Read more on Metro Section: 9-5 Is For Suckers…
 

RAIN OF TERROR: DAY 4, RIGHT?

Will it ever stop? What have we done to deserve… wait, hold on — it’s totally sunny out right now. Kinda pleasant, actually! Still, the Post reports today that the IRS, Justice, and the National Archives are waterlogged and closed. But wait — don’t go trafficking drugs, evading taxes, and not counting your slaves as 3/5ths of your state’s representation just yet! While the IRS remains closed and without a projected date for reopening, their spokesperson promises that “the tax system continues to operate.” Justice is apparently fine too, according to this email we were forwarded earlier today: Read more on RAIN OF TERROR: DAY 4, RIGHT?…
 

Emergency Alert System Actually Used!

Remember the emergency alert system? When your TV emits an annoying, high-pitched noise, shows you a rainbow-colored bar, and says “this is a test, this is only a test, of the emergency alert system”? Read more on Emergency Alert System Actually Used!…
 

Rumors on the Internets: When the Rain Comes

Peter Daou joins the HRC team as “blog adviser.” To help “reach out” to the “netroots.” Drum up support in the “blosophere,” on the “information superhighway.” Become the first “e-candidate,” win the “iPrimary.” [Daou Report] Read more on Rumors on the Internets: When the Rain Comes…
 

RAIN OF TERROR: DAY THREE

Blogs… blogs… c’mon blogs… damn. We’re on day 3 of what will presumably be a 40-day rain. Meteorologists are advising District residents to collect gopher wood and gather two employees of each federal department (Steny Hoyer and Roy Blunt are safe for the moment, high atop Meridian Hill). Read more on RAIN OF TERROR: DAY THREE…
 

DNC Flood Damage Update: Club Survives Rain of Terror

Is Washington the pussiest city ever? Shuts down completely at the first sight of snow, no one gets any work done in the summer ’cause it’s too hot, every day another pneumatic hammer is mistaken for a terrorist attack, and now the entire city is crippled by A LITTLE RAIN. The IRS, Justice, Commerce, the National goddam Archives, and huge swaths of the Metro — closed! Because it’s a bit wet! Anyway, continuing our coverage-by-proxy of the state of the Democratic Party, we’ve received what we’re pretty sure is the definitive reports on the DNC flood-watch: Read more on DNC Flood Damage Update: Club Survives Rain of Terror…
 

DNC Cuts and Runs in War on Dampness

If we can’t trust the Democratic Party to keep their own offices dry, how can we expect them to keep us safe? Yes, much of the Washington area is still dealing with the weekend’s wrathful god-caused torrential rain (we’re pretty sure WTOP, which was on apocalyptic mode all night, reported that Cheverly had been swallowed by the Anacostia and rogue dolphins had taken over Falls Church). Including, naturally, the DNC, whose offices are seriously damaged. Large areas of carpet need replacing, which will close the Democratic Club for a while. Oh, and: no flood insurance. Read more on DNC Cuts and Runs in War on Dampness…