It was a nail-biter, folks! Illinois’ 5th District held a special election after Rahm Emanuel left his post to go whisper evil imprecations in the ear of our malleable and naive young king, Barack Obama. Two contenders emerged: Cook County Commissioner and known Democrat Mike Quigley, and the deranged Freeper Rosanna Pulido. Ms. Pulido put up a valiant fight, but without national Republican support could not prevail over the Democratic Machine, which decided to put Quigley over the top with oh like 70 percent of the vote. What is this, Russia? [Chicago Tribune]

Several months ago Rahm Emanuel left his post in the House of Representatives and temporarily abandoned his ambitions to become the first nine-and-a-half-fingered Speaker of the House in order to crack skulls for Barack Obama. Today, the specialest of all special elections determines who will “fill his seat.” MORE »

Everybody thought Rahm Emanuel was going to be such a hard-ass mobster for Barack Obama, but the actual strategy seems to involve Rahm personally saving people all over Washington every day, until everybody in town literally owes their life to Rahm. The superhero chief of staff saved a congressman yesterday, and not just any congressman, either — Emanuel saved the Republican now representing Tom DeLay’s old district! MORE »

Let’s turn an eye toward the New Yorker, a popular New York-based magazine that sometimes has a passable amount to do with DC and politics, making it a-okay for this, “the DC gossip.” Plus, as you may have heard, certain New Yorker staff writers have been turning a bemonocoled eye towards your Wonkette, and you know, an eye for an eye, etc. So, let’s go through all the relevant stuff in here, yes? MORE »

Heartthrob angel of death Rahm Emanuel went to the movies Saturday night! He went to see a sports movie called The Wrestler at Washington’s E Street Cinema (the one that serves beer), and was getting all amped up to see Marisa Tomei’s boobs until the guy next to him had a seizure, at which point he just started cursing at everyone. MORE »

• Shameless anti-Roland Burris propaganda organs The Washington Post and The Chicago Tribune are demanding that America’s first black president Roland Burris retire from the Senate and give up his position of chairman of the Joint Committee on Inspiring Generations to Come. [TPMMuckraker]
• This guy, Mike Quigley, is the favorite to be crowned Replacement Rahm Emanuel, as dictated by Chicago’s newspapers. [Daily Kos]
• In an apparent attempt to, hmm, make this whole sinning-confession-forgiveness process more Taylorist (?), Arkansas has just passed a law allowing its citizens to bring guns into church. [Andrew Sullivan]
• O song of the Drudge Siren! BREAKING: Michelle Malkin-national socialism-manila envelope-digital-camera-scandal! [Crooks and Liars]
• John McCain refuses to go back to the View, the site of 5 1/2 years of dehumanizing psychological and physical torture. [CNN Political Ticker]

Bars and restaurants are possibly maybe finally going “smoke-free” in Virginia, the Philip Morris State. In the past Tim Kaine had stopped this from happening but now who knows. [DC Examiner]
White powder and a dead fish were mailed to the Dept. of Homeland Security, meaning Rahm Emanuel is the Zodiac. [Washington Post]
The journoterrorist who accosted Barry to get his autograph yesterday has been identified as some neocon driven to the brink of madness by the impossible demands of his twelve-year-old son. [Fishbowl DC]
Elitist northeast grocery warehouse Wegmans is, like some people you knew in college who have decided to become “all activisty,” probably moving to DC soon! Both will text you incessantly for the names of cool bars. [WTOP]
You can now take out a subprime mortgage on Nats tickets. Do it for your children’s futures. [DCist]
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There is an unwritten rule in D.C. politics that during any given session of Congress, at least one (1) legislator or White House staffer must live in a shameful basement dwelling unfit for human habitation. Senator Norm Coleman once proudly held the title of Hobo King, but then he got (nearly?) run out of office by a comedian from the 80s, and is now locked in a legal battle as vicious as it is dull. You’ll never guess who D.C.’s newest subterranean urchin is, as long as you don’t read the title of this post! MORE »

As the first president to use email in the White House, just a dozen years after email became the civilized world’s primary form of communication, Barack Obama is the world’s greatest technological revolutionary, because of his new Blackberry featuring encryption. But who gets to forward stupid jokes and YouTubes to our Commander in Chief? Hardly anybody at all, that’s who: Gibbs, Axelrod, probably Michelle, and chief of staff Rahm Emanuel, who regularly updates Obama with all the fucking ways he’s going to motherfucking destroy that fuck John Boehner, who is fucking dead to him. [NYT/Gizmodo]

• If you were denied your basic human right to attend the Inauguration thanks to “severe logistical breakdowns,” you could be eligible to receive a photo of all the fun you missed on Barry’s special day! [DCist]
• Hey listen up hippies: your all-natural trail mix has diseases. [WTOP]
• Jill, Michelle and Fentys Adrian and “his wife” ate food together at Georgia Brown’s. [DC Examiner]
• Dialectic of enlightenment: Overbearing parents have now become internet trolls in an attempt to prevent their own kids’ school districts ability to function. [Washington Post]
• Rahm Emanuel is telling George Stephanopoulos, King of Lilliput, important secrets on the phone every morning. [Fishbowl DC]

• The only people that like Obama at all anymore are a bunch of lazy illegals who wish they had jobs, and who, instead of just getting a job at a car plant or a Sam Goody (Not Bankrupt Yet! ™), hope that Obama can “create” jobs. Right. [RedState]
• Chuck Schumer will reprogram his new intern, Kirsten Gillibrand, as he pleases. He will start with her, hmm let’s see, political identifications and belief system. That should do it. [Ben Smith]
• About a dozen House Republicans are headed to Rahm Emanuel’s house tonight. House Republicans are known for their love of Kosher food. [CNN Political Ticker]
• When Obama took over Whitehouse.gov, he has prevented presidential historians from accessing such information of import as a video of First Dog Barney scurrying around Michael Phelps to the tune of “Ripple.” This is not change.gov we can believe in. [Daily Kos]
• Obama is secretly planning on giving the entirety of the stimulus bill to his old friends The ACORNs. [The Corner]