Tag Archives: Rahm Emanuel

  cheerleaders auxiliary is a good auxiliary

Union Thugs Get Greasy Hands On College Sportsball

The National Labor Relations Board handed down a 24-page decision saying Northwestern University sportsball players are employees of the university and may form a union. Quarterback Kain Colter has been the face of the pro-unionization campaign. It’s no surprise this happened in Chicago, one of the last bastions of organized labor activity with balls. Read more on Union Thugs Get Greasy Hands On College Sportsball…
  snowden smash

Be The Pasty Computer Hacker Of Your Dreams With This Edward Snowden Action Figure

Are you a grown-ass person that still likes to play with toys and pretend you are someone else? We really wish we could stop you from doing that. But since we can’t, why not consider fighting for freedom of the press or something like that, but in a really self-aggrandizing way by pretending you are Julian Assange and/or Edward Snowden? An Oregon firm introduced an action figure of former National Security Agency contractor Edward Snowden. ThatsMyFace.com, whose catalog also includes Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, said that the 12-inch Snowden figure comes dressed in a blue shirt, casual trousers and black high-top shoes, but wardrobe options include a gray-striped business suit, Indiana Jones outfit and a combat uniform. It sells for $99. Read more on Be The Pasty Computer Hacker Of Your Dreams With This Edward Snowden Action Figure…
  'chicago hard-ball politics rules'

Rahm Emanuel Has Been Locked In His Bedroom, Sobbing, For 24 Hours

Today is the best day of Rahm Emanuel’s life. Okay, maybe a close second, behind that loooooong day he spent with Tim Shriver at the White House honing his sensitivity skills. But today, man, just look at how those media suckers are eating up his story about being so “livid” that he won’t even return calls to the Ricketts family, the Cubs owners whose patriarch, Joe, was going to run all of those hilarious Jeremy Wright ads. Please. He’s acting. He’s “livid” 100% of the time, and he’s constitutionally incapable of putting his phone down. But the Ricketts are scared like the dickens after hearing this, so the plan worked: pretend to be volcanically upset at them — as if some old coot running a couple of wingnut ads would actually offend Rahm Emanuel — and then (a) watch a few other rich old idiots drop their own half-assed Super PAC plans, in fear, and (b) secure a better deal for renovations to Wrigley Field. Yeah, sure, it’s totally inappropriate to publicly threaten to blow up a public financing deal because of a heat-of-the-moment personal grudge. But doesn’t that just make it more exciting? Read more on Rahm Emanuel Has Been Locked In His Bedroom, Sobbing, For 24 Hours…
  workplace conflicts

Michelle Obama Not ‘Some Kind of Angry Black Woman’

Michelle Obama didn’t read that new book about her and the President, but she does have something to say about the tales therein. In an interview airing on CBS’s “This Morning” Wednesday (here’s a preview), the First Lady says, among other things, that she’s sick of being portrayed as “some kind of angry black woman.” “I guess it’s just more interesting to imagine this conflicted situation here,” she adds. EXCUSE ME, SOMEONE IS TRYING TO SELL A BOOK HERE, FLOBAMA. Read more on Michelle Obama Not ‘Some Kind of Angry Black Woman’…
  flotus files

New Book Reveals FLOTUS Hates Rahm Emanuel, Just Wants to Party

Hallelujah, our FLOTUS has survived yet another dreadful year in the White House. We don’t really know how she does it, but then again, she looks like she has had a lot of endurance training. So, will 2012 be the dawn of a new era in Michelle Obama’s FLOTUS career, or will we spend another unfortunate year tallying up our First Lady’s vacation costs, and crying because we can’t even afford the latest grilled cheese monstrosity at Denny’s? Nobody knows, but what we do have is a new book that is rumored to include many “juicy details” about our First Lady, details like “she hates Irish Catholics and Rahm Emanuel.” Time to grab that 100-calorie snack pack and one of those reading machines! Read more on New Book Reveals FLOTUS Hates Rahm Emanuel, Just Wants to Party…
  flotus files

FLOTUS Moments Away From Creating Actual Army of Obese Children

Our FLOTUS had her fun last week, when she went for a casual walk through a Target store even though she wasn’t fooling anyone. Now she is back to her normal business, which means she is hanging out with her BFF Rahm Emanuel, shouting curse words at the fat children of Chicago’s food deserts. But between that and settling violent disputes between Sasha and Malia over who gets “Scott,” the Secret Service guy who probably most resembles Justin Bieber, our Michelle still finds time for the little things, like trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records. Read more on FLOTUS Moments Away From Creating Actual Army of Obese Children…
 

Smiling Jerk Rahm Emanuel Is So Happy To Be Out of The White House

Remember that funny, foul-mouthed creature who used to lurk around Barack Obama, screaming things? Well he left Washington, D.C. because he heard the Earthquake of 2011 was a-comin’ and wanted to be in Chicago, where the ground does not move. And he is so happy he did this that he cannot keep his love a secret! Read more on Smiling Jerk Rahm Emanuel Is So Happy To Be Out of The White House…
  happy birthday

On the Ground At Barack Obama’s Birthday/Ramadan Festival

President Obama is celebrating his birthday tonight, with Jennifer Hudson and those treadmill-dancing fellows. He is doing this in Chicago, so your Wonkette decided to give up a perfectly good Wednesday evening to try to go hear Rahm Emanuel yell some swears. This did not happen, and overall it was a very boring street gathering of Poors unable to pay their way inside. But we took pictures anyway, so there you go. Read more on On the Ground At Barack Obama’s Birthday/Ramadan Festival…
  tantrums

Watch Rahm Emanuel Storm Away From Harmless Interview Question

The polite term that CNN uses for Rahm Emanuel’s latest outburst is “feisty,” which is the sort of word your grandmother uses to describe the family’s screamer alcoholic uncle who goes off about how his disability check isn’t even enough to cover the cost of a new toilet seat when you ask him about the Cubs game. That is sort of crazy! Just like Rahm, who walked out of an interview when the terrible CNN lady asked him if he will send his kids to a public or a private school. HOW DARE SHE. Read more on Watch Rahm Emanuel Storm Away From Harmless Interview Question… Read more on Watch Rahm Emanuel Storm Away From Harmless Interview Question…
  love late in life

Rahm Emanuel Shares Romantic Moment With Bull Furry

In a related story, now that our long national birth-certificate nightmare is over, is everyone going to have sex and make babies in the midst of all this excitement? LOOK AT THE BIRTH RATES IN NINE MONTHS. AND ALSO CHECK TO SEE IF A BULL GIVES BIRTH TO A HALF RAHM. [30FPS] Read more on Rahm Emanuel Shares Romantic Moment With Bull Furry…
  world of turmoil

Rahm Emanuel Defeats (?) Muammar el-Qaddafi

Because we are a dumb political joke blog, we spent all day writing about Sarah Palin’s “Lou Sarah” account on Facebook and other shoddy, paltry bits of American Public Life instead of the actual political news of the day. What is wrong with us? Oh, right, we are trapped in a dipshit business of chasing page views and watching literally everything we type immediately “re-blogged” on these giant sleaze networks run by craven multi-millionaires. When the power goes out, like it repeatedly did at Wonkette’s offices over the weekend, we yell “Huzzah!” Anyway, as seen in the Wonkwire Headline News Column to the right of this item, Sleazy Chicago Gangster Rahm “Fingers” Emanuel easily won the most corrupt job in American Urban Politics. Yay! He got a lot of training for being Mayor of Chicago by being a Democrat in the House of Representatives and then being the high-roller blackjack dealer at the White House. And he easily defeated 400-year-old cross-dressing Libyan strongman Mo-Money Kaddafi or however they spell it on Huffington Post or Foreign Affairs or whatever, a blog somewhere. (Ha ha, what is with Arabic and the crazy ways it can be phonetically represented in the Latin alphabet? Haha.) Read more on Rahm Emanuel Defeats (?) Muammar el-Qaddafi…
  insert tag

Rahm Mayor

Rahm Emanuel, the former chief of staff to President Barack Obama, won the Chicago mayoral election Tuesday, topping the 50% threshold to avoid a run-off vote, CNN projects. Bye fucker. [CNN] Read more on Rahm Mayor…
  funny pictures

Rahm Emanuel, Captivating Energy Orb Oversee Passage of Illinois Civil Unions

It is interesting that in a few short years, a very large state legalizing civil unions is now minor news. Anyway, here is phantom-eyed new Illinois resident Rahm Emanuel at the gay after-party, pictured with friend Unsettling Sentient Orb of Pure Energy, celebrating his new state’s basic human decency, via Wonkette operative “Gregg K.” Read more on Rahm Emanuel, Captivating Energy Orb Oversee Passage of Illinois Civil Unions…
  just have roger ebert decide

Rahm Emanuel Still Running For Job He Can’t Have

And so, even as printing of the city’s ballots was set to begin immediately at the Chicago Board of Elections (early voting is to start next Monday), all eyes were turning to the Illinois Supreme Court. The court – made up of four Democrats and three Republicans – may consider Mr. Emanuel’s request for an expedited appeal to the ruling, or it can choose not to hear the case at all. Read more on Rahm Emanuel Still Running For Job He Can’t Have…
  effing eff

Rahm Emanuel Kicked Off Chicago Ballot By F*cking Appellate Court

Though he is currently leading landslidingly in the polls, Rahm Emanuel is no longer eligible to run for mayor of Chicago, because an appellate court ruled 2-1 that he did not meet residency requirements because he did not, you know, reside there. This will be appealed to the Illinois Supreme Court, of course, which hopefully has enough Daleys or whatever on it for Rahm to get this decision overturned. Otherwise, what’s Rahm to do? It’s not like there’s a big, high-profile administration anywhere that likes to keep a full stock of Chicago Democratic personalities. Read more on Rahm Emanuel Kicked Off Chicago Ballot By F*cking Appellate Court…
  chiseling the mausoleum

Roland Burris To Be the Best Mayor of Chicago Ever

Supporters of Roland W. Burris, who is packing up his United States Senate office this week to come home to Chicago, have filed the necessary paperwork so that he may seek the city’s top job. […] Read more on Roland Burris To Be the Best Mayor of Chicago Ever…
  fake!!!!!1!!1!

Stilted Rahm Goes Entire Announcement Video Without Swears

Yes, he lets off a “gangbanger,” but where is the passionate Rahm Emanuel in this announcement video, the one with all the swears? Rahm asks people to talk to him in “blunt Chicago terms,” but he won’t do that himself? Sure, we expect him to temper his rhetoric for the new electorate, but that only means changing “fuckwit crusty old tampon” into “fuckwit crusty old tampon deep-dish pizza, da Bears.” Whatever. Rahm Emanuel will have to withdraw soon anyway, because this video contains a huge lie: Read more on Stilted Rahm Goes Entire Announcement Video Without Swears…
  someone needs a hug?

Weak and Girly Obama-Emanuel Hug Will Provoke Nuclear Holocaust

Hugs are gay and start wars. CNBC’s Larry Kudlow knows this all too well, from personal experience, and that is why he penned perhaps the greatest prose ever to grace Big Government, Andrew Breitbart’s ePoop depository. Just take a moment to admire Kudlow’s lede: “Am I the only one who saw weakness when President Obama and his departing chief of staff Rahm Emanuel gave each other big, fat, full-bore hug following their speeches at the resignation event in the White House’s East Room on Friday?” Of course not, Larry Kudlow! Don’t you read the newspapers? Barack Obama and Rahm Emanuel are both huge flamers, and that’s why your feeble-old-man masculinity was able to detect their Weakness. We also noticed that every world leader saw this embrace on teevee and then gleefully activated their nuclear bomb machines — because the entire world is now going to take turns killing America, since its weak leaders are too busy hugging to even care. Read more on Weak and Girly Obama-Emanuel Hug Will Provoke Nuclear Holocaust…
  where's mine?

Goodbye Forever: A Children’s Treasury of Rahm Emanuel Moments

Barack Obama just gave Rahm Emanuel a hearty kick in the ass, and Rahm rolled right out the door of the White House and into the trunk of Air Force Thug, the special Chicago mob car they use to travel back and forth to their home city, using a bootleggers’ tunnel that runs beneath the Erie Canal and the Great Lakes straight to John Dillinger’s Kenyan Socialist BDSM dungeon beneath Mayor Daley’s mausoleum (it’s the one with the star and crescent). Does anyone even remember the long-ago days when “Rahm Emanuel” was kind of a thing, and you people anxiously clicked blog posts about his adventures, which mostly consisted of having weird brothers and not having one of his fingers and just cold saving people’s lives all over theaters in Washington like a reverse John Wilkes Booth? Well, you did. You people loved Rahm Emanuel. Let’s laugh together, one more time. Read more on Goodbye Forever: A Children’s Treasury of Rahm Emanuel Moments…
  never sign a lease with a nine-fingered man

Rahm Emanuel Will Murder His Tenants

Rahm Emanuel’s master plan to quit his job as White House Chief of Staff and become omnipotent God-Emperor of Chicago is going exactly … as … planned. Everyone hates him? Check! He lacks the army of fanatically loyal political retainers needed to win an election in Chicago? Check! His own tenants are trying to keep him out of his house, no doubt with the help of liberal renter laws that liberals like Emanuel helped pass? Check! Read more on Rahm Emanuel Will Murder His Tenants…