Here’s a video by Ashley Todd, the poor McCain volunteer who claims to have been carved up by Barack Obama in Western Pennsylvania, a region where McCain needs as many votes as possible now that he’s tied his entire election hopes to victory in that state. If Ashley’s story holds up, then you obviously shouldn’t vote for Barack Obama now, and we hope she goes to the hospital at some point, just to get those knife carvings looked at. In the meantime, Pittsburgh police should immediately arrest the angry black guy in this video, “The Mean Janitor,” who clearly has had it out for Ashley Todd for some time. [YouTube]

John McCain’s family owned at least nine million slaves, from Africa, back in the “good old days,” before Nancy Pelosi and the Liberals waged an unjust war on the Deep South and made everyone pay black people for work. (And people wonder why Congressional approval ratings are so low!) But the McCain clan still owns the Mississippi plantation land of its forefathers, and every year the surviving McCains — white descendants and black bastard children alike — meet for an enormous family reunion ON THE PLANTATION (wtf!!) and get wasted and tell each other hilarious stories about, what, that old cotton gin that kept breaking down just at the height of picking season. Ha ha ha! And for some reason, John McCain refuses to show up for these shindigs every year and now all of his cousins hate him. MORE »

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Hoorah the first debate is Friday, in Confederate Mississippi! Will the plantation owners even let Barack Obama onto the debate stage, or will he have to shout his answers from the balcony? That would be sure to spark a national conversation about race, between no one. But! We’ll see. This week, however, each campaign has assembled a team of debating “vets” for rigorous preparatory regimens. John McCain, for example, will practice-debate with the one black Republican, so as to learn all of “their” tricks. Watch the eyes, Walnuts! THEY SHIFT. And Barack Obama will be debating some old coot he kidnapped at Costco. MORE »

Joe Biden has one job this election: to get the Bitters in Pennsylvania to vote for a black Muslim. That is literally all he has to do. Maybe Ohio, too, but mostly Pennsylvania, because he was of course born there! In Scranton, the famous town where Happiness goes to die. On Friday, he went to Northeast Philadelphia — “The Scranton of Philadelphia” — to meet some old white folks and tell ‘em about Barry. He even kissed some old gal on the forehead, but she was disgusted, because there’s a huge stumbling block among these “white ethnics” Joe Biden is targeting: they really, really hate black people. MORE »

“‘So Sambo beat the bitch!’ This is how Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin described Barack Obama’s win over Hillary Clinton to political colleagues in a restaurant a few days after Obama locked up the Democratic Party presidential nomination.” How dare sexist lipstick dog Sarah Palin call Hillary Clinton a “bitch.” [LA Progressive]

Thanks to Wonkette niche blog operative “Colin” for introducing us to the blog “BLACK MEN FOR MCCAIN.” Who knew! Unfortunately one of these black men is pissed as all get-out at McCain’s Online Store. He notes that the store sells tee shirts for the following groups — Women For McCain, Irish For McCain, Jewish Americans For McCain, Hispanics For McCain, Asian & Pacific Islanders For McCain, and Arab Americans For McCain — but none for our swarthiest brethren. He writes, “I’m black, proud, and I want a damn T-shirt. I have contacted the McCain campaign and received no reply. I think it’s safe to assume that if Arab Americans get their own shirt, Black Men are not asking too much…” It’s rather impressive (impressive?) that neocon bomb & blood fetishist John McCain expects more ARAB votes than black votes. [Black Men For McCain]

• JEREMIAH WRIGHT IS THE WORST: So we’re reading this nice New York magazine piece about Barack Obama and Race and Hope before sleepy and, right near the very end, UGH: “In October, Obama’s former pastor, Wright, will publish a new book and hit the road to promote it, an occasion that might well place the topic of Obama’s blackness (along with his patriotism and his candor about what he heard in the pews in all those years at Trinity Church) squarely at the center of the national debate.” SWEET. LOOKING FORWARD TO OCTOBER. [New York]

Here’s John McCain’s latest idiot web ad attacking Barack Obama for being awesome and pretty much the most likable guy on earth. The only reason McCain is issuing this ad, of course, is so liberal bloggers can complain about the racial overtones inherent in white girls talking about getting “weak in the knees” over Obama. Then this theory will make it to all news networks; insecure white swing-voters will get sick of hearing about “Obama making this election about race” and decide to vote McCain based on inexplicable “character” issues. Oh, the liberal bloggers get blamed for everything. Ergo: this ad is Not Racist, but it is, what’s the word, completely retarded and not truthful. And not funny. [YouTube]

Barack Obama and French President Nicolas Sarkozy had been engaging in some “heavy petting” during this Congressional Trip, until this moment. During their joint press conference, CNN’s Christiane Amanpour asks Sarkozy if he feels awkward praising black Obama when, only a few years ago, he was calling black French rioters “scum,” the worst word in the world. MORE »

• EVERYTHING ON EARTH IS ABOUT RACE: Wonkette boring luncheons operative “Beth” sends us this secret dispatch: “I just got back from a luncheon for Washington Gov. Chris Gregoire, headlined by Michelle Obama. Michelle said that her favorite chocolate in the world is Fran’s Chocolates — she said she and Barack fight over them, and hide them from each other. Then she said, ‘He likes the light chocolate, I prefer the dark chocolate.’ We all laughed, then thought, ‘Wait a minute…’” We assume the long awkward silence broke when some white reporter randomly shouted, “that Christopher Rock is the finest jokesmith I’ve seen — of either race! — since, golly, I don’t know when.”