Throughout the history of American journalism, reporters have upheld one vital standard: asking the tough questions and holding to account the most powerful person in the nation, which is to say, the First Lady. But is our national legacy of unbiased investigative East Wing reporting suddenly in peril because some black gals are writing about Michelle Obama? MORE »

A few days ago the RNC thought, “Hey, Juneteenth, isn’t that Black People Day? Make a video of Steele hip-hopping or whatever.” It’s a great video and reminds us that the Republican party has a long history of doing great things for black people, spanning all the way from 1863 to 1876. [YouTube]

IF BILL CLINTON WAS BLACK, THEN HOW IS OBAMA NOT MUSLIM? A real winner in the Moonie Times op-ed section today. We reach Absolute Zero by only the end of the second paragraph: “The man now happy to have his Islamic-rooted middle name featured prominently has engaged in the most consequential bait-and-switch since Adolf Hitler duped Neville Chamberlain over Czechoslovakia at Munich.” Swish. [Washington Times]

America’s worst writer, Richard Cohen, strings together the saddest tale of all today in his important Washington Post newspaper column. Overarching topic: the Supreme Court. Pertinent issue: Affirmative Action. Protagonist: hard-working white firefighter. Antagonist: Negro race. “Punished” victim: all white people. Unimportant litmus tests: abortions, “unions.” Only important litmus test: getting hard-working white firefighter’s job back from Negroes. Person whose fault all of this is: Barack Obama. “Supremely irrelevant” factor in American society: race. Bittersweet music to play in background: “Colour My World.” Policy that Richard Cohen does not understand: Affirmative Action. [Washington Post]

Perhaps the best part of last night’s press conference (although there were so many!…??) was that Obama didn’t call on the Washington Post, perhaps because the Post reporter’s question about Alex Rodriguez’s fancy drugs at the last presser was a real toughy. He also didn’t call on the NYT, the WSJ, the Cleveland Plain Dealer, or USA Today, which is of course an Outrage — especially since he did call on black- and illegal-Mexican-oriented publications, as well as Al Gore’s military newsletter! To annoying people such as CNN’s John King, this was a “curious” move, calling on the blacks and stuff, proving that Obama is JUST ANOTHER POLITICIAN and, presumably, The Honeymoon Is Over. MORE »

Congratulations to Michael Steele, who finally beat out that actual Confederate slaveowning plantation owner to become the first African-American President of the United States! Maybe we should celebrate with something fun, like a national WAR WITH IRAN, hmm? Well, even though we were *praying* for the old white guy — a member of a whites-only country club! — to come from behind and “steele” the black person’s victory at the last minute, we are “steele” satisfied with Michael “Steele.” Let’s “steele” away to our Wonkette Time Machine and revisit a hilarious chapter in state political history: Michael “Steele’s” brief and mostly unsuccessful political career in the important state of Maryland! MORE »

Gaah, Mitch McConnell, what a buzzkill! The Senate Minority Leader told members of the Republican National Committee that they’re in danger of becoming “a minority party,” by which he means, “a party with no minorities in it.” It is a well-known fact that the only people who voted for John McCain in the presidential race were Southern whites who wore their best overhauls on election day to vote against a Muslin in the White House (it’s not the Black House, people!). This won’t do for a party of the Future. MORE »

A fortnight or deux hath passed since our last installment of “Fridays with Peggy,” for one must endure days of insomnia and procure a boat-ship’s worth of les stimulati — what they in the Scientific Trade know as Amphet-a-Mines — to pen an adequate Noonington critique, and it hath taken many a seven-day to locate a sufficiently inventoried Medick. Let us not waste Reagan’s dear time today, then, to reach the so-called “heart” of the matter. In today’s Opinion-Editorial for the plutocratic Wall Street Journal banking pamphlet, Mme. Noonanshirehobbit discusses the Africkan who now controls the military, and other less important levers of power, of l’Empire Amerique. Mme. herself flew on a mechanical falcon, or Aer-Plane, to attend the Africkan’s coup. And once she veritably boarded the Aer-Plane, it was as if she had in fact veritably been transmitted by Iehovah to the Ebon Heart of Rhodesia — for she found herself surrounded by even more Africkans! How didst our Princess escape this JUNGLE? MORE »

This CNN article is consistently hilarious, the way it tries to segue between Barack Obama being president and the history of slavery. We learn all kinds of surprising information! “WASHINGTON (CNN) — In January, President-elect Barack Obama and his family will make history, becoming the first African-American first family to move into the White House — a house with a history of slavery. In fact, the legacy of American presidents owning slaves goes all the way back to George Washington.” Whoa, that far back!!? [CNN]

Whoa, it’s the electoral map with… with freakin’ dots all over the damn place, just cold clusterin’ and aggregatin’ over the blue areas. It is this: “Strange Maps overlays cotton production in 1860 with the 2008 presidential results.” Awkward! And as you can see, we’ve “overlaid” — with a retarded X — the approximate location of John McCain’s Mississippi plantation, which he refuses to visit for sexy parties every single year. [Strange Maps via Andrew Sullivan]

• THERE WAS A LOT OF IMPORTANT HISTORICAL NEWS THIS WEEK: And here’s a stiff nightcap for it all. Devastating. We know what you people are like and you’re going to cry so much. [Washington Post]