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Posts Tagged “quitters”

rates of attrition

Michele Bachmann's Underlings Express Love By Fleeing

How much does fluorescent light advocate and Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann's staff love her? So much that they are constantly quitting! New information reveals that Rep. Bachmann has lost two chiefs of staff, a district director, a press secretary, two legislative assistants, a staff assistant, a caseworker, an outreach and grants coordinator and a district scheduler since she hired them early last year. Is her insanity driving them away, or is it her penchant for playing footsie with her colleagues? More »

don't shoot the umpire

Al Gore, Jimmy Carter To Strangle Clinton Candidancy In 35-Year-Old Crib

According to some sources, nobody would be happier to throw Hillary Clinton under the vaunted Democratic bus than Jimmy Carter and Al Gore. As historical losers themselves — a single-term President and failed Presidential aspirant — they know a thing or two about what it takes to lose an election. That's what gives them so much "street cred" with the Democratic Party, which is why Hillary Clinton will have to listen to them. But where's John Kerry? Isn't he a lovable loser, too? More »

quitters

Couric Out?


Katie Couric, having delivered the losingest ratings ever for two proud years at CBS Evening News, may leave after President McCain's inauguration early next year. This would be far ahead of her scheduled departure date in 2011, but not a moment too soon for many aggrieved Bob Schieffer fans. [WSJ]

post mortems

A Children's Treasury Of Pundits Celebrating Mark Penn's Downfall

You know who's happy about Mark Penn finally quitting/getting fired from the Clinton campaign? Everyone except Barack Obama, who considered Penn his ace in the hole for winning this whole endless election. But now that we won't have that old unctuous creep to kick around anymore, let's see what the rest of the Internetosphere is saying about the Numbers Swami Who Fell To Earth. More »

he disappoints with his cheating

Obama's Smoking Ruins Special Bond With Jake Tapper

ABC News Senior National Correspondent Jake Tapper was on to Barack Obama's resurgent smoking habit months ago, but the Obama campaign covered for the ever-more-desperate candidate as he wove a web of deception that eventually ensnared the nation in cancer and betrayal. Way back in August Obama was wandering around the Capitol reeking of smoke, and what did Obama's people say when Concerned Jake asked about it? More »

quitters

Farewell Alphonso Jackson, Latest Bush Official To Quit!

Alphonso Jackson, the soon-to-depart Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, built a long and distinguished career on failure. He presided over a massive meltdown in the mortgage and lending markets by doing precisely nothing, even though the HUD oversees the Federal Housing Administration, which is supposed to ensure that poor people and first-time home buyers don't end up impoverished and homeless when their loans go south. ANYHOW The Dumbocrats have been calling for his resignation, and now he is resigning. Not because he is terrible at his job, though! Because he needs to spend more time with his family, which does not yet hate him. That will change. More »

dumb bloggers

U.S. Immigration Director Whines About Liberal Media On His Blog

Another loser official from the Bush Administration is stepping down to spend time with the family, but there's something especially funny about the departure of Emilio Gonzalez from the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services agency — because Gonzalez wrote a big whiny blog post (on the Department of Homeland Security blog, of course) about how the New York Times called him a loser! And then about a million people with varying degrees of English-as-a-Second-Language proficiency left hilarious comments! More »

the spitzers

Why Silda Wall Spitzer Is Really Pissed

See the sad wife's face. See her marriage, her family, crumble. Is this why she is mad? Maybe that is a small aspect of it, but maybe she just wanted to be the First New York Lady for a while longer. According to the New York Times, "In the two days since news of Mr. Spitzer's involvement in the prostitution ring surfaced, he has been engaged in an intense legal and family debate about whether to resign or, as aides said his wife was urging, to stay on." Think of all the fine minks and Scottish smoked salmons that a First New York Lady must have! Now it's back to TJ Maxx and Philadelphia "smoked salmon cream cheese" (a.k.a. Alcohol and Cougar McCain Pills). [NYT]

blurry woman

Eliot Spitzer's Blurry-Faced $4,300 Prostitute


Is this ex-governor Eliot's very expensive lady friend? Maybe! The New York Post claims this is her old website page. We've already dug up a whole bunch of Emperor's VIP Sexy Club website stuff, but this is the first we've seen of the alleged Ms. Kristen, if that is her real name. She seems like a very pretty, classy sex-worker girl but it is a shame how she lost her nipples and any visible features of her face during a tragic gourmet-dining accident. [PAGE SIX]

quitters

Eliot Spitzer Resigns, Silda Wall Offers Icy Death Glare

Here's our friendly New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigning, with his wife, who still really doesn't want to be there. Uh, did she read Dina McGreevey's NYT column this morning? She gave all victimized political wives the right to not stand next to their husbands. Maybe Silda just wanted to make him look like more of a wretch, and she did a good job of that.

quitters

Liveblogging Eliot Spitzer's Quitter Speech

Today Eliot Spitzer ends the nation's agony by quitting the New York governorship, which we all knew he was going to do. Stay with us as we write through all 30 seconds of his sad quitter speech! More »

quitters

Gov. Spitzer Is Expected To Resign


Yes Governor Spitzer (D-NY) is widely expected to resign from his hallowed office because he sexed ladies for money! America will always remember him fondly for being one of the first brave Democrats to reclaim hypocritical sex scandals from the Republicans. [FOX News]

AND NOW HILLARY’S DEPUTY CAMPAIGN MANAGER IS GONE: WaPo’s Chris Cillizza says deputy manager Mike Henry is gone, too. But he’s not a photogenic Latina woman, so we won’t run his picture.

where are they now?

Lincoln Chaffee Might Vote For Obama

For anyone who has wondered what happened to adorable fluffy-haired ex-Rhode Island Senator Lincoln Chaffee after he lost his reelection bid and quit the Republican party, here’s your answer: he’s thinking about voting for a Democrat! The one called Obama! Then he will go back to cleaning out horse stalls and mourning the rightward drift of his former party. [Providence Journal]

quitters

Ted Haggard Disappoints America, Again

As if the news about Mitt Romney weren’t enough to break our hearts, another pillar of rectitude has decided to pack it in. It seems Pastor Ted Haggard, who only a year ago became a “complete heterosexual,” has decided to end his relationship with the “Restoration Team” that performed his magical conversion. More »

mittens

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

This can’t be happening! It’s a sad day for Humor. Better get started on the obit. [The Page]

just like tom thumb's blues

Tom Tancredo Quitting Congress, Retiring To Mexico

Excitable GOP troll Tom Tancredo says he won’t run for re-election because he’s too busy being angry about Mexicans, even though his presidential campaign continues to inspire nobody, not even the angry hordes of AM talk-radio listeners who should be supporting him. Tancredo, currently running near the bottom of the dozen or so Republican candidates (but probably over Ron Paul), made the announcement after some baseball game last night. More »

“Three days after Americans saw the Bush administration’s counterterrorism chief say the Iraq war has likely not made the United States safer from terrorism, the official announced his resignation, citing health reasons.” [ABC Blotter]