Tag Archives: quitters

  pantheon of fallen heroes

Allen West Finally Surrenders, Kills Political Comedy Forever

Let’s “open the kimono” here for a minute: Your Wonkette does not want this great nation of ours to be run by perverts and crazies; but, in another sense, your Wonkette needs this to be the case, because pervert/crazy politicians bring in the pageviews and associated ad moneys. That’s why the endless vote-recounting wackiness in Florida, in which Allen West was always losing but just close enough to demand further recounts, was a best-of-both-worlds situation for us: he wouldn’t be allowed to actually participate in the governing process, but he would stay in the spotlight and be ludicrous for our amusement. We even heard rumors that he was planning on showing up for work at the Capitol every day, and would get into fisticuffs with security guards, which would have been hilarious! But instead he just up and quit, like a little baby. Read more on Allen West Finally Surrenders, Kills Political Comedy Forever…
  quitters never win

Santorum Endorses Romney In Sad, Rambling Late-Night Email

Oh, man, when you get a 16-paragraph email from someone at 11 pm you know that only good things are in it, right? Generally these things are some variation of “I DON’T NEED YOU, WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME, YOU NEVER LOVED ME.” But Rick Santorum is made of tougher stuff than that, in that he deleted all the random character sequences in the email that he created by weeping and mashing his face against the keyboard for much of the evening. Also, he thinks you should vote for Mitt Romney, he guesses, which is an exciting nugget of information that’s buried in paragraph 13, an “Easter Egg” for die-hard Rick Santorum fans who always check out the special features on their Rick Santorum-related content. What finally convinced our man Rick that Romney wasn’t a gay liberal socialist abortionist? Read more on Santorum Endorses Romney In Sad, Rambling Late-Night Email…
  the wasilla quitter quits again

Basket Case Quitter Sarah Palin Cancels Her Own Tea Party Headliner

What has Sarah Palin quit today? Her own headline act at Iowa’s big Tea Party circus this Saturday. And how is this different than everything else this mentally unstable con-artist has quit since losing her one and only national election? Well, this time, she managed to attack her former dingbat-grifter protege Christine O’Donnell in the process, because Sarah just couldn’t stand the idea that a younger, prettier version of herself might take some of the spotlight — even though Christine O’Donnell isn’t even considered a “potential presidential candidate” by the delusional old white cranks of the Tea Party. Oh, Sarah, you never let us down, the way you constantly let everyone down. Read more on Basket Case Quitter Sarah Palin Cancels Her Own Tea Party Headliner…
 

Smiling Jerk Rahm Emanuel Is So Happy To Be Out of The White House

Remember that funny, foul-mouthed creature who used to lurk around Barack Obama, screaming things? Well he left Washington, D.C. because he heard the Earthquake of 2011 was a-comin’ and wanted to be in Chicago, where the ground does not move. And he is so happy he did this that he cannot keep his love a secret! Read more on Smiling Jerk Rahm Emanuel Is So Happy To Be Out of The White House…
  even nostradamus saw this one coming

Sarah Palin Follows Comedy Rules And Quits Bus Tour Halfway Through

Probably NO HUMAN ON EARTH SAW THIS COMING but just as God or common sense or Mohammed long ago wrote in stone that which must come to pass, Sarah Palin has decided to quit her dumb summer vacation RV road trip before it was finished. Quick and pointless and halfway through, like all of Sarah Palin’s activities that are not giving birth. Oh well, we sort of forgot it was even happening? Way to go, Lamestream Media, you failed to remind us for an entire week about Palin’s existence. Was that why we were feeling mysteriously better about life? The last post about the tour on the SarahPAC website is from June 8, so it took someone from the media two whole weeks to notice she wasn’t even blogging about her wild adventures talking to old white people anymore.  Read more on Sarah Palin Follows Comedy Rules And Quits Bus Tour Halfway Through…
  gingrich/tiffany's 2012

Remaining Gingrich Staffers Have Also Quit Now, Too

This “Everybody is quitting the Newt Gingrich campaign” headline is pooping all over our Google Reader again, which, isn’t this a few weeks old already? Oh, uh, this time it is Newt’s campaign fundraising team jumping ship to go swim for less rat carcass-infested waters. Nobody is willing to fork over money to pay for Newt’s expensive trips to nowhere any longer (seriously? where was he even making appearances?) so that he could continue to try to hawk the massive overstock of Newt Gingrich DVDs that humor-minded Americans still use as coasters once in a while. Tiffany’s will now be financing the Gingrich campaign, because nobody else cares about Newt.  Read more on Remaining Gingrich Staffers Have Also Quit Now, Too…
  snowbilly offspring news

Quitter Bristol Palin Moving Out of Bland Arizona Mansion

Professional quitters the Palin clan are working on their resume again: Bristol Palin is moving out of her Phoenix narcomansion only six months after she paid $172,000 in cash for it. She’s renting it out for $1,400 a month so that YOU TOO can wake up each day in the angry meth wonderland exurbs of Phoenix, Arizona with a new chin thinking about where your life went wrong. Why is Bristol abandoning this poorly landscaped foreclosure paradise? Does she not like John McCain anymore, wherever Walnuts is? No, she is supposedly moving to LA for her new reality show about how hard it is to have roommates and wake up in the morning and go to work, which is something many of us would like to monetize in today’s economy. Read more on Quitter Bristol Palin Moving Out of Bland Arizona Mansion…
  can cause cancer

WaPo Seeks Army Of Insane Volunteers To Spend All Weekend Reading Palin Email Dump

Bland suburban daily the Washington Post is asking for one hundred volunteers who want to stab forks into their eyes for a few days and help scour 24,000 Sarah Palin emails to prevent Chris Cilizza from developing a brain tumor reading them on his own. The complete set of official emails from Palin’s tenure as governor will be released tomorrow, guaranteeing a week-long news cycle dump of Palin’s gubernatorial misadventures riddled with elementary misspellings and syntax errors. We sure are looking forward to that! Now, who wants to sign up? Read more on WaPo Seeks Army Of Insane Volunteers To Spend All Weekend Reading Palin Email Dump…
  take my advice i'm the guy who hates contested elections

Scared-of-Elections Guy Evan Bayh Says Democrats Will Lose Election

Evan Bayh wants everyone to know that Democrats are going to lose a lot of seats in the midterms this year. “I think it’s of comparable magnitude,” he said, referring to party losses in 1980 and 1994. One of those seats the Democrats will lose is Bayh’s, because he likes to drop out of elections he is afraid of losing, so he’s not running this year. So should all Democrats drop out and just hand the Republicans their seats like Evan Bayh? Yes, of course. Good politics, that. Read more on Scared-of-Elections Guy Evan Bayh Says Democrats Will Lose Election…
  cutting and running

Robert Gates Sets Timetable For Withdrawal From Defense Sec’y Job

Bob Gates used to be a good Republican who didn’t go in for this namby-pamby “Let’s announce to our enemies the date when we will stop bombing them” bull-hockey, but two years as a member of Obama’s Politburo have clearly turned his brain into Democrat mush. That’s why he’s announcing a phased, strategic withdrawal from his Pentagon office, to be completed by 2011, assuming local militia forces are sufficiently trained to take over by then. Read more on Robert Gates Sets Timetable For Withdrawal From Defense Sec’y Job…
  mindless cannibalism

WEIGEL RESIGNS IN DISGUST: OK, we do not know if he is disgusted, but we sure are! The Washington Post’s great experiment in assigning someone who knows what he’s doing and works hard to cover a political movement ends in failure. Weigel quit in the wake of his note to a private email list that was mean to Matt Drudge, Ron Paul, and the Washington Examiner. Reports indicate that Weigel has already flown to Havana, where he will confer with Saul Alinsky on the next phase of his mission to destroy America. UPDATE: Will brave Dave take Arianna Huffington’s Internet moneys??? Maybe! He is lurking around her office, according to Reports. There is now a news helicopter following him around at all times. [The Hill] Read more on …
  vanishing acts

Tim James Finally Concedes NOOOOO WHY GOD WHY

Three whole weeks ago, star of stage and screen Tim James submitted himself to the approval of the Alabama Republican electorate, along with two other, lesser candidates. Did it make sense to them? Nobody could tell! James and some dude named “Bentley” were almost tied for second and the right to go a run-off. But last night, after spending $200,000 on a recount, James finally gave up, meaning that there will be no more hilarious ads in which he walks around his palatial home and asks if things make sense to us — and even the videos we knew and loved have been disappeared, by Stalin. Read more on Tim James Finally Concedes NOOOOO WHY GOD WHY…
  america's porniest budget directors

Peter Orszag Quitting White House; First Obama Administration Bigshot To Leave

Whoa looks like Rahm Emanuel can’t even quit first. This from the Washington Post tonight: “White House budget director Peter Orszag has decided to leave the Obama administration, likely in the next few weeks, a Democrat familiar with his plans said Monday night. His departure would make him the first member of President Obama’s Cabinet to leave the White House.” NYT‘s got the same lede, give or take a few words. And, he’s been “about to quit” for months now, so let’s review his sexytime scandals. Read more on Peter Orszag Quitting White House; First Obama Administration Bigshot To Leave…
  gangland rumor mill

Rahm Emanuel To Quit White House, Says Tory Newspaper

Lobsterback broadsheet The Telegraph published a very suspicious story on Sunday suggesting White House Chicago Thug Rahm Emanuel will quit his Chief of Staff job later this year, probably after the midterms, because mean Barack Obama will not let Rahm crush his stupid little enemies like the dumb twigs they are. Why does Barack Obama hate our nation’s Second City political inclinations? Read more on Rahm Emanuel To Quit White House, Says Tory Newspaper…
  where are they now?

Heroic Ex-Wonkette Sugar Mama Says Thing Based In Reality

Campbell Brown, whose enormous face we splattered all over this site in exchange for money, what, two-three years ago now?, is quitting her CNN show! This is largely because of her failure to defeat O’Reilly, Olbermann, and Nancy Grace in the ratings, but, because she is a high-powered media type, and they never admit defeat of any kind, ever, we’re guessing she’s going to purport to want to spend more time with her kids, “Eli” and “Asher.” Wait, WHAT? Read more on Heroic Ex-Wonkette Sugar Mama Says Thing Based In Reality…
  smoke smoke smoke that cigarette

SCANDAL: Obama Still Chewing Nicorette

Barack Obama went to see the medical droid and whoa boy, the newspapers are Outraged! Why? He’s 48 years old and still has safe cholesterol levels, healthy blood pressure and one of those “BMI” index things way under the standard American level of Obesity. Why does he hate real Americans? Also, why is he still being advised to chew Nicorette? DOES THIS MEAN HE STILL HAS A CIGARETTE SOMETIMES? And if so, why won’t he resign? [New York Daily News] Read more on SCANDAL: Obama Still Chewing Nicorette…
  civil rights is over

Beloved Symbol of Hope, David Paterson, Officially Quits Campaign

Haha, we almost put “Officially Quits Race” in the headline, but how can a civil rights leader and symbol of hope/change such as David Paterson quit his own race? Anyway, so much for the dream, the dream of America’s first blind black governor. Just 11 months ago, America gathered around its communal browser and held hands and cried, just a little, as it seemed the nation’s old wounds had finally healed in the form of this wonderful man and his magical, appointed-by-somebody rise to the highest office in … Albany. But now it’s over, collapsed in a pile of cocaine and whores and thuggish sidekicks, as so many New York political/entertainment careers have collapsed. Read more on Beloved Symbol of Hope, David Paterson, Officially Quits Campaign…
  good news for america!

DICK ARMEY QUITS LAW FIRM TO BECOME FULL-TIME LYING EXPLOITATIVE LIAR: Former Republican House majority leader Dick Armey, head of one of the most prominent wingnut Astroturfing organizations, FreedomWorks, is quitting his “real job” at a law firm for rather Palinesque quittery reasons. “The firm is busy with its business, and shouldn’t be asked to take time out from their work, to defend themselves of spurious allegations,” he said, referring to how he has publicly shamed his law firm by running the very evil FreedomWorks. [Jim Galloway/AJC] Read more on …
  battle of the hair-helmets

Hutchison Will Resign Senate Seat to Vanquish Rick Perry

True fact: Texas has had the same governor since the 1970s, when a man with a thickly feathered coif captured the hearts of many Texan ladies and cowboys. His name was Rick Perry, and he decided to keep running for governor every four years because voters were too dumb and lazy to ever notice that the ballot didn’t change. Read more on Hutchison Will Resign Senate Seat to Vanquish Rick Perry…
  but she can't even talk!

Sarah Palin Shopping Around Talk Radio Show

The trade journal Inside Radio reports: “While not exactly shopping the GOP’s 2008 vice presidential candidate, sources say Palin representatives have been quietly testing the waters to see how much interest radio syndicators have for her.” Perfect! This is how Palin does everything now: passive-aggressively “gauge interest” and if people don’t kiss your ass enough, even though you commit to nothing, just say Fuck ‘Em and move on to the next assholes who won’t give you the proper respect. Then you can write a poem about it, on Twitter. [Inside Radio via Political Wire] Read more on Sarah Palin Shopping Around Talk Radio Show…
  altered states

A Children’s Treasury Of Fun Facts About “America’s Governor” Sean Parnell

This is it you guys, today is Sarah Palin’s last day as Vice President of Alaska! But enough about Sarah Palin, because while of course it is just a matter of time until the Palin de’Medicis once again gain control of Wasilla and therefore the entirety of the snowy north—either through Willow, the Dauphiness of Juneau, or whenever Palin’s TwitterBerry becomes self-aware—in the meantime, Alaska’s new top Alaskan is Sean Parnell. What does America know about Sean Parnell? And what does America need to know about Sean Parnell? Nothing and nothing, respectively. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Fun Facts About “America’s Governor” Sean Parnell…