Hey, we tried to make the headline concise, but these daily health care reform games are just nuts. Okay, so, TODAY’S INTERNET HEALTH CARE BABBLE RECAP: Rahm Emanuel told a newspaper that the White House would be open to the lamers’ version of health care reform, and then progressives went nuts, and then Obama released a statement from inside Lenin’s coffin supposedly “walking back” Rahm’s statement, and this is when the Halperins of the world started paying attention because it allowed them to write simple “Rahm vs. Obama” narratives, and then progressives actually read Obama’s “walk back” statement closely and saw that it was worded rather sneakily and wasn’t that different from what Rahm said in the first place, and now no one will ever be able to see a doctor again and we’ll all die and go to Hell, where this debate will presumably resume in another 10 to 20 years. MORE »

Hey didn’t you secede or something? “AUSTIN — Gov. Rick Perry today in a precautionary measure requested the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) provide 37,430 courses of antiviral medications from the Strategic National Stockpile to Texas to prevent the spread of swine flu. Currently, three cases of swine flu have been confirmed in Texas.” [San Marcos Record]

Hey didn’t this Ron Paul guy have integrity or whatever? He stood up to the Texas GOP and Tom DeLay and the Bush Family, he didn’t have any problem attacking lamers like Rudy Giuliani or Mitt Romney, but Doctor Ron “Go Ron Paul” Paul is just shivering in his panties when repeatedly given the opportunity to say No to America-hating sex creep Rush Limbaugh. It’s creepy! [YouTube]

JOHN McCAIN PUSSES OUT ON RAINY RALLY; OBAMA STAYS: Well ladies and gentlemen, that settles it. Your brave war hero John McCain does not want to hold an outdoor rally in the rain in Pennsylvania, while an hour away, Barack Obama the Hawaiian shark god whips a drenched crowd of 9.000 into an orgiastic frenzy. What is wrong with all these terrible hippies, standing in the rain to listen to some guy talk about hope while his teleprompter breaks. [FOX News]

There has been an OUTRAGEOUS CRIME committed against the little GOP office in Cody, Wyoming! Local children are accused of putting some Obama stickers and fliers on the windows of the Republican office! This is exactly the kind of Domestic Terrorism that Sarah Palin is working so hard to fight, you betcha. MORE »

Ahem, “Inside an intense White House meeting over the financial crisis on Thursday, where nearly every key player came to an agreement on the outlines of the bailout package, Sen. John McCain stuck out. The Republican candidate, according to sources with direct knowledge, sat quiet through most of the meeting, never offered specifics, and spoke only at the end to raise doubts about the rough compromise that the White House and congressional leaders were nearing. McCain’s reluctance to jump on board the bailout agreement could throw the entire week-long negotiation into a tailspin,” the end. Just a fucking baby. [HuffPo]

Democratic operatives are surprisingly not scared shitless about Obama’s upcoming vacation to Hawaii, despite the party’s well known reputation as shirtless pussies who are always being gay on beaches: “In a piece of footage endlessly recycled to mock his supposed elitism and even foreignness, Mr Kerry was caught on camera windsurfing off Massachusetts. Since Mr Obama is taking his holiday at a private beach house in Hawaii, surrounded by the secret service, campaign officials worry less about his exposure to the paparazzi. Besides, they say, most Americans will be tuned into the Olympics.” The Olympics? Ha! You silly campaign officials, letting down your guard. [Financial Times]

After an exciting day of voting, the Senate has voted in favor of the new FISA surveillance bill, 69-28, and George Bush will now sign it into law in his secret masturbatorium. MORE »

Everybody knows that pretty little girls always get their feelings hurt, so it’s no surprise that John Edwards went from table to table at a Hollywood fundraiser telling everybody how the Clintons didn’t call to say they were bummed for Elizabeth — yet all the other presidential candidates (or at least the Democratic candidates) did call with good wishes. MORE »

* Bi-partisan “Walter Reed Study Group” soon to be as ignored as the limbless soldiers themselves. [WP, NYT, WSJ, LAT]
* “One conservative lawmaker, who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of angering Democratic leaders, dismissed Murtha’s approach as ‘too cute by half.’” [WP]
* President Bush heads to South America to bring a message that “We care,” as well as, “I ain’t fucking ending up like Slobodan.” [WP, NYT]
* Hillary Clinton: “the cliché of contemporary politics .” [NYT]
* Dick Cheney is handing out lollipops and venous thrombosis, and he’s all out of lollipops. [NYT]
* Will Heather Wilson try to get people fired from the House Ethics Committee for failing to investigate her? [WP]
* Air travel to get even more depressing without a lithium laptop battery to lick. [USAT]