Creepy Italian sausage SILVIO “JUST CALL ME PAPI” BERLUSCONI cherishes his privacy. Sì, Berlusconi needs his special alone time, so he can mount meter maids and plow the dickens out of teenage models in peace. But why won’t the evil ITALIAN MEDIA respect Berlusconi’s privacy? Surely they will all be excommunicated after ruining his daughter’s birthday celebration, and also, Berlusconi’s chances of scoring with his daughter’s extremely young friends. Vaffunculo! Italy: spay this man before HANS BLIX is required to, under international law. Snipity snip snip! … MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon
The economy’s in the crapper! Tim Geithner cannot and will not save us! The stimulus is not stimulating enough, or is too stimulating, or something! Judd Gregg and Barack Obama are getting a divorce! It is absolutely true that everything in the world is worse than it ever has been before at any time in history, or ever will be again. Can we find solace in funny cartoons? Sadly, we cannot, because they are also bad. Come, let us endure the unendurable, together. MORE »

This is your puppy, America. It belongs to you. [White House Puppy]

Oh look at those Obamas once again “doing the right thing” and being decent or whatever. The terrorist cell “PETA” just sent us this email, claiming that “Obama and his wife, Michelle, have announced that they will adopt a rescued dog for their daughters instead of patronizing a pet store or breeder.” Oh la dee dah, President Hopes-a-lot, going to save an innocent puppy (probably a “street organizer” single-parent puppy) from euthanasia while shutting down Joe the Breeder’s puppy mill, HENGHH? MORE »

Both presidential candidates released some angry shit-talking commercials today. Apparently Barack Obama promises your family fewer jobs, while John McCain lives in a tiny black-and-white television with George Bush. The question is, which candidate more stealthily removed the other candidate’s balls and replaced them with harmless Neuticles? View and assess, after the jump. MORE »

A few days ago, a shocking viral video showed a puppy being thrown off a cliff in Iraq by some Marine. We still think it was a stuffed animal. Either way, the humans continue to fight in Iraq, but the Marines will launch a full-scale investigation into this matter of the puppy. MORE »

Wonkette’s Liz Glover took her various Video and Polaroid cameras to the “Sugar & Champagne” fundraiser for the Washington Humane Society. And what exactly happens when animals attack people in a sugar/champagne frenzy? Watch the video to find out! [Sugar & Champagne Affair]

It is the easiest (and most overused) “attack ad” joke there is: “My opponent hates puppies.” In one Pennsylvania race, yet another satirical trope has been bested by reality. Say hello to Larry Glick, Democratic candidate for the State House:

As the Philly Inquirer reported today, this mailer was sent out to voters across Bucks County by the Pennsylvania Republican State Committee. And we cannot for the life of us decide if we like it better than the sex offender one. The details of the ruthless dog murder are on the back.

There is no possible additional joke to be made. RIP Wrango the Dog. MORE »

Our good friend the Anonymous Hill Staffer seems to be in a bit of a bad mood this week, but fear not — he did let us know that with Spring springing (or so we hear, we haven’t left our apartment during daylight hours for a week at least), the skintern season shall soon begin in earnest. So his answers to next week’s questions ought to be a bit more cheerful, if also a bit distracted.

This week, a very civic-minded edition covers working for Congress, sex again, and a wonderful idea for the Reagan memorial.

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We apologize for our long absence today. We had to lie down for a few hours after witnessing THE CUTEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED ON THIS EARTH. We’re serious. Baby Jesus surrounded by kittens on rollerskates singing “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth,” that might come close. A puppy riding a pony in a cowboy outfit while pretending to rob a bank? Eh. We have seen The Stick in a bowl. Observe: