Wonkette

After her cruelly brief tenure as a vice presidential candidate, Sarah Palin is poised to perform a time-honored ritual for national failures and people who have completely humiliated themselves, repeatedly, on the world stage: she will write her memoirs, and she will be paid many millions of dollars for it. And she will waste all her millions of dollars on raw-silk Versace jackets and a new meth lab for her seventh child, Pistol. MORE »

All you people have already read American Wife, right? If you did, you already know the “secret ending” to Laura Bush’s memoirs, which involves a Venezuelan sex orgy and nuclear war. But for those fans who can’t get enough of the First Lady, she will pen an Official Account of her life. The tentative title is Why Nice Librarians Should Not Marry Ignorant Clowns. MORE »

Radio and Internet wingnut Hugh Hewitt, one of the top starbursters (creepy conservative pundits who jerk it to Sarah Palin) out there, is working on a lovely book that he hopes to get published a week after the election. His agent sent the proposal to publishers all over literature’s New York City, and yet no one is biting. HOW COULD THEY NOT? Hugh Hewitt writes like the wind! And his book idea was grandiose and magical. It was to be called, How Sarah Palin Won the Election… And Saved America. No, really! [NY Observer]

A Wonkette publishing operative has sent us this leaked letter (.PDF) from the Workman Publishing Co., publishers of the new book “Is This Thing On?”: A Computer Handbook for Late Bloomers, Technophobes, and the Kicking & Screaming, to McCain deputy e-campaign director Mark Soohoo. The P.R. person writes that folks are being unfair with McCain by calling him “computer illiterate,” and appears to think there’s a chance Walnuts might accept an offer to do a “special one-on-one training session” with the book’s author. Our favorite line: “Mr. McCain mentioned that he liked reading Politico.com, so he is certainly no novice.” [Letter (.PDF)]

Jay McInerney used to love dating crazy broads and doing a lot of blow, back in the 80s, when it was considered un-American not to walk around with a cocaine mustache and a persistent case of chlamydia. During these halcyon days, he dated the craziest broad of them all: Lisa Druck, who went on to change her name to “Rielle Hunter” and attain universal revile for her terrible use of fonts in John Edwards’ painfully embarrassing presidential campaign “Webisodes.” Now Jay McInerney’s publisher is reprinting a book he wrote in 1988 called Story of My Life, which is told from the point of view of a Hunter-like character, so now you too can read second-person descriptions of what it is like to have furtive futuristic time-machine sex with John Edwards in his Dirt Palace. Hint: the name he calls out in the throes of passion is his own. [Baltimore Sun]

Remember that time former pro wrestler Jesse “The Body” Ventura ran for Governor of Minnesota, and then he said, “Until you hunted man, you haven’t hunted yet,” and then he turned into a crazy paranoid kook with Satanic facial hair? Well, now he has a new book, and he has embarrassed the Libertarians, so he is doing about as well as anybody expected. [Reason]

Remember way back in JANUARY when math-hating yokel Mike Huckabee looked, for about five minutes, like he might win the Republican presidential nomination? Soon you’ll be able to relive the magic all over again, because he is writing a book, about his campaign! He’ll share secrets like how to gain 35 pounds on the campaign trail without even trying; how to talk your wife into putting a paper bag over her head during Jesus-approved procreative activities; and why Chuck Norris would have made the best Treasury Secretary since Alexander Hamilton. MORE »

If you ever wondered about the secret lives of pill-popping blondes but were too lazy to crack Valley of the Dolls, future First Lady Cindy McCain will help you out. In her memoir, due out just a few months before her angry midget husband is crowned Emperor of America, she will reveal all of her secrets to staying healthy, wealthy, and married to a physically and emotionally fragile war veteran. In other words, the book will be a sort of Less Than Zero meets Deceptively Delicious with a sprinkling of Old Yeller. It will sell one trillion copies after Oprah adds it to her Book Club. [On Politics]

Washington, D.C., attorney Bob Barnett has worked the same magic handling the Kennedy book deal as he did with Bill and Hillary Clinton’s. As we reported earlier this month, the rep was shopping around Kennedy’s autobiography in New York. After a six-day auction that ended Nov. 19, Grand Central Publishing bought world rights for a reported $8 million. Before the deal can be completed, however, Kennedy’s publishing contract must be approved by the Senate Ethics Committee (fun!). Editor and publisher Jonathan Karp said he hoped to publish the book in the fall of 2010, telling The New York Times that Kennedy is “walking, talking history… There’s no limit to what he can talk about with authority and distinctive personal perspective.” Kennedy Memoirs Said to Fetch $8 Million [NYT] MORE »

Fun-loving first twin and secret South American diplomat Jenna Bush is looking for a book deal in New York. Jenna’s got DC superlawyer Robert Barnett shopping the project to publishers, reports Washington Whispers. MORE »