pt wonkette’s weekly review of the week that was

A hundred years ago, an angel was born on Earth. So this weekend, eat some jelly beans (get diabetes) in honor of Ronald Reagan. Egypt’s tourism industry took a hit this week, for some reason. President Obama finally admitted that he takes personal orders from Muslim Jesus, at his national prayer party. The National Enquirer […]

The president recited some old Reagan speech for the State of the Union. It was very well received, especially by the salmon-American population. Blind prophet Michele Bachmann spoke in tongues for six-and-a-half whole minutes following Obama’s Reagan speech, gazing into the very essence of the iChat. An errant olive-pit awakened Dennis Kucinich’s litigious tendencies. Unemployed […]

Your Wonkbot kept us safe from terror, before becoming another victim in the tragedy in Tuscon, Arizona, just like fellow Cylon Sarah Palin. Starved for attention (her TLC show ended this week), Sister Sarah made a CONTROVERSIAL hate movie (Crash 2), shot on location in her Wasilla meth factory. Jared Lee Loughner should have just […]

Barack Obama welcomed the cast of Glee to worship with him and Michelle at his dog-cult shrine and White House. Dick Cheney managed to bribe his way out of being shipped to Nigeria like a lowly Wikileaker. Wikileaks founder and Helen Mirren stunt-double Julian Assange was finally released on bail, so he can now get […]

We learned that compromise in the Senate means giving into every Republican demand, ever, and that disagreeing just makes you a partisan hack. Just to prove the president’s point, several of those partisan hacks in the lesser legislature had a big old tantrum to oppose the president and his billion-dollar Hanukkah gift to Joe Lieberman. […]

Michele Bachmann and Steve King stood up for the antebellum south, who have been totally ignored since that runaway Kenyan slave became president. Perfect virgin Bristol Palin memorized some new vocabulary words to defend her honor against the ruler of Dictionopolis, Keith Olbermann. The elite state of science reporting was threatened by ignorant bloggers who […]

The fake-pearl wearing former-FLOTUS, Barbara Bush, likes to can her fetuses. Screeching moonbat Keith Olbermann got suspended from his show because he  refused to apologize for being a screeching moonbat. The American wet-noodle party has yet to decide how often they will tongue-bathe John Boehner’s anus. Just like Narnia is an allegory for the baby […]

Your Wonkette dutifully and diligently documented the great teabagging of America, which will forever be remembered in the annals of history. The newly dethroned Queen of the House will remain the reptilian princess of the Democrats, forever. Sulky teen Barack Obama sent America a real sad break-up text. Fortuna’s wheel spun against the dirty, sexy, […]

Journalism jumped the shark (again!) when our ex-godmother Gawker posted a mean thing about our beloved sybil Christine O’Donnell — despite holding back the juiciest details. Coincidentally(?), Christine also developed a taste for human flesh. Top-secret plans confirm that a gulag of communists (Sheryl Crow) will descend upon DC to slander Glenn Beck. Alaska’s Joe […]

The past came alive for Clarence Thomas on the anniversary of his best job interview ever. Sarah Palin sucked face with a dog, which was okay because it was a patriotic AMERICAN breed, unlike a certain filthy PORTUGUESE dog, Bo Obama. When Joe Miller is president and all the bloggers are in jail, he will […]

If only we had done our job fighting the Soviets in the 1980s, like Christine O’Donnell wanted, we might not be in this Muslim-mess. The much-anticipated sequel to Who’s Nailin’ Palin, TLC’s Sarah Palin’s Alaska got a steamy new trailer. Carl Paladino did what all true and righteous men do in trying times: Blame the […]

According to Mormonism, when Glenn Beck dies and goes to Joseph Smith’s polygamous compound in the sky, he will become a god and some poor baby universe will have to deal with GL-NN as their personal Yahweh. T-Palin got very upset at Joe Miller for not endorsing his wife and personal cash-bag Sarah Palin. Sarah […]

Newsboy Jim Lehrer retired his abacus and messenger pigeons for a newfangled iPhone. CNN anchor Rick Sanchez invented the hottest new Internet meme since LOLCats and TruckNutz combined: Jews secretly control the media! Why has no one thought of this before? Tai “Butterstick” Shan, America’s stolen panda, is so beloved by white people that his […]

All-natural tangerine dreamboat John Boehner was accused of boehning the shit out of a lobbyist, instead of just proverbially fucking them for campaign cash. The scrotal sack known as the Democratic party was so limp and floppy (from constant teabagging) it couldn’t even muster the courage to repeal the ludicrous Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy, […]

Yahweh (The Comedy God) gifted America with our newest, HOTTEST reincarnation of Ronald Reagan, the Elvin princess Christine O’Donnell. After losing her freshly minted angel wings (to witchcraft), Xtine became Christianity’s official Mistress of Masturbation, banning all forms of self-pleasure, except for self-tanning, due to heavy pressure from John Boehner. Wonkette’s Riley Waggaman wrote a […]