If you’ve ever dreamed of joining four other random slobs for a very sexy dinner with Sarah Palin and her snowmobile stoner husband Todd, next Tuesday is your lucky day! Maybe. That’s when you can start bidding on the eBay for a special group-food-eating occasion with some unemployed woman in Alaska who — for reasons not even Republicans pretend to understand — was a media celebrity for a few months last year. MORE »

From his teevee-anchor dyed & blow-dried hair to his repulsive stucco fortress on a million acres of North Carolina scraped dirt, everything about the ambulance-chasing personal injury attorney has always cried FRAUD, but the most disgusting part about Edwards was his phony public displays of fucky love for his poor (yet fantastically rich) old wife, who always has cancer. MORE »

Alaskan teen Levi Johnston is famous for banging one of Sarah Palin’s daughters in Sarah Palin’s house in a special fuck room Sarah Palin created for the children, and ever since America has turned to Young Mr. Levi for tawdry details of the Palin Lifestyle. The latest, from some awful celebrity shit site: Todd and Sarah got some terrible marriage problems! MORE »

CAN’T CALL HER ‘DROPOUT’ NO MORE: Hey everybody, America’s favorite Alaskan teen mom graduated high school after all! Hopefully she’ll follow in her mom’s footsteps: Five community colleges, a BA in journamalism, and then kill off whatever’s left of the GOP. Mazel tov, Bris! [People/Gawker]

What happens when a law-and-order wingnut encounters a law he doesn’t like? He breaks the law, while hollering about his “rights,” and then freaks out when there is a consequence for breaking said law. This is the dumb melodrama happening in southern Utah right now, where the very beautiful and unique Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument was the backdrop for some fucktard OHV fatsos doing an illegal “protest ride” on their smoke-farting noisemakers through a wild river in a National Monument. And the BLM just let it happen, instead of shooting the miscreants, but everybody and their various pigmobiles got photographed by the feds, and now the U.S. Attorney has the stuff, and the off-road slobs are just losing their minds because oh noes, they are common criminals and they might get cited. MORE »

This is going to go on forever — and eventually, it will involve the female participants wrestling in a vat of Taco Bell X-treme ketchup or whatever. Hooray! Now, lest you believe this is somehow “trivial” or “exactly what happens in much of America,” we want to remind you that this woman, Sarah Palin, intends to become President, somehow, and then she will install Trig as “Prince ‘o Peace,” and he will rule the world for 666 years, and then he will nuke it. He is made of nukes, Trig is.

YOU DON’T SAY: “The teen love affair that rocked last year’s presidential race is over. Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, has ditched her baby daddy, Levi Johnston!” Hey Levi, call your pretend grandpa John McCain and ask why he’s against tattoo-removal programs for American losers. [The Star/Gawker]

Statistics freak Nate Silver was supposed to go away after the election, which he rigged with algebra or something in order to create the first black president, which is the ultimate political statistic, for masturbating. Now the fivethirtyeight.com sensation has a column in the gay fashion glossy, Esquire. It’s kind of interesting! Basically, Nate has figured out — using his patented number voodoo — that the worst people in America are literally disappearing, leaving a nation of sexy multi-racial city slickers who drive hybrids and do anal on first dates. MORE »

So these pictures leaked out over the weekend, or Friday, whatever, your editor was still on vacation, in the firestorm, and these pictures of Sarah Palin being a public slob have been all over your Internets. At least one of them, anyway, which apparently caused ejaculations of starbursts in a certain subset of the emotionally crippled boy-wingnut population, because Palin’s ass and XXL logo t-shirt are visible. MORE »

Oh, Sarah Palin, your trashy ass may be back in Alaska today, but you’ve left enough enemies down here in the contiguous U.S. — the real, pro-America America — to keep Wonkette going until Christmas. From this wonderful Newsweek collection of campaign trails, we learn today that Palin’s shopping spree was a lot worse than the original outrageous $150,000 orgy of luxury. MORE »

Two jackasses in SUVs were in traffic leaving a Sarah Palin Klan Rally in Colorado on Monday when one, in a Kia, tried to pull ahead of the guy in the Chrysler. They yelled whatever at each other, then the Chrysler jackass pulled a loaded handgun on the other Palin loser. After he was arrested, the 62-year-old gun nut told the cops he “wanted to be ready for anything.” Jesus fucking christ, we all need to go buy a million guns this weekend, because these dingbats are going to go berserk on Election Night. [Post Independent]