Comical Texas Rep. Joe Barton’s War on Gorillas intensified earlier today when he threatened to force poor, overworked clerks to read the entire 900-page Waxman-Markey energy bill aloud in committee, including his 450 obnoxious amendments about kicking Henry Waxman in the penis. Waxman responded by traveling to the seedy underbelly of Satan’s Hell to contract this secret Hessian mercenary, a “speed-reader,” on retainer, just in case Barton’s jackassery came to fruition. The speed-reader is clearly a muslin terrorist, and it is offensive to Dick Cheney for the liberals to allow him inside the United States Capitol. [TPM]