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  war on xmas

‘Twas the Night Before Iowa … (A Visit From St. Reagan)

‘Twas the night before Iowa, when all through the state, The wingnuts were fuming, their heads fat with hate. The caucus was planned, in just over a week, Yet the GOP candidates were unelectable freaks! The reporters were nestled in bedbug motels. Their noses recoiling from strange Iowa smells, Of corn syrup fields, and thick manure dollops, and visions of Newt giving trinkets to trollops. Read more on ‘Twas the Night Before Iowa … (A Visit From St. Reagan)…
  we smell a pulitzer

Major Investigation: Capitol Xmas Tree Lacks Jesus-Themed Ornaments

The Christian News Service has done a careful study of five of the five thousand donated ornaments on the Capitol Christmas Tree, and the findings are not pretty. Two out of these five ornaments were about Barack Obama, and zero were about Jesus. So by statistics, we can say that 2,000 of the ornaments on the tree this year are about Barack Obama, and still none of them are about Jesus. GOOD ENUFF MATH 4 TERRORFYING HEADLINE: “U.S. Capitol Tree Pays Homage to Obama — But Not Jesus.” AAAAAAHHHHH. Read more on Major Investigation: Capitol Xmas Tree Lacks Jesus-Themed Ornaments…
  war on xmas

War On Christmas Started By Hitler, Because of Advent Calendars

Every year about this time, the nation opens the “advent calendars” of its secret CIA prisons all over the world to say “hi” to the people always plotting against us by waging a War on Christmas. But did you know that the War On Christmas did not start in CIA murder-torture prisons, but actually in Nazi Germany? When you open the little cardboard door to “get a chocolate,” what are you really getting? An important Christian writer explains how Hitler is really behind this whole Advent thing, and why we need to be stronger in our resolve as far as destroying Advent calendars everywhere, because of Hitler. Read more on War On Christmas Started By Hitler, Because of Advent Calendars…
  war on xmas

To Complement Your Freedom Tray: The Steering Wheel Computer Desk

So you get yr Freedom Tray and load it with Cheesesteak Burgers and fried tumor pies and a bucket o’cola and sit it write there on yr crotch, while driving, and congrats you’re supporting the troops. But how can you be more patriotic while driving that $52,000 GMC fuck-truck you got a few years ago, “when credit was easy?” Get this fuck’r here, the computer desk that latches onto the steering wheel, so you can wash that Freedom Tray spread down with a fuckin’ porno jackoff. [Amazon, where the comments are epic, in a good way] Read more on To Complement Your Freedom Tray: The Steering Wheel Computer Desk…
  war on xmas

Buy A Calendar Of Hot Pin-Up Model Sarah Palin

Listen up, PAGANS. If you have already bought your mom another embroidered LL Bean sweater and your dad another set of drills and your sister another, fuck it, another pumpkin pie-scented candle, then the only person left on your Xmas Holiday Shopping List is probably the oxycontin addicted eunuch who lives in your basement listening to Michael Savage and forwarding emails about Barack Obama’s birth certificate. Jesus has invented a gift for these losers! It’s a Sarah Palin calendar, specially equipped with pre-drilled bonin’ holes. Read more on Buy A Calendar Of Hot Pin-Up Model Sarah Palin…
  war on xmas

Wise Man Willie Brings Dope To Baby Jesus

Still sad because False Unicorn Barack Obama won’t legalize it? Here’s heroic Texan Willie Nelson, dressed as the Angel Mohammad, bringing the gift of ganja to the Baby Jesus. This is apparently from a Stephen Colbert Christmas Special (?!), so Happy Xmas. [High Times] Read more on Wise Man Willie Brings Dope To Baby Jesus…
  war on xmas

HELP WONKETTE WITH OUR ANNUAL WAR ON XMAS GIFT GUIDE! We are almost done with this year’s Gift Guide, but we need your suggestions (with links) to actually, er, help us type it up. Email your real true fun/terrible Wonkette gift ideas with the subject line SANTA HURTED ME. Special insider editor talk after the jump! Read more on …