John McCain, who loves town halls so much that one time last summer he ORDERED Barack Obama to appear with him at 7,000 of them (and hopefully pay for them!), has “gone librul” again, now that his own party’s official anti-health reform strategy is to piss all over his favorite “American tradition” throughout August with loud catcalls and armpit farts. Why is John McCain so condescending toward “people from small towns” and their Constitutional right to act retarded at civic functions? [Twitter]

O Holy Day, look what just dropped in ye olde “Wonkett” tips box! Cougs is back for more: “Will you follow this link to sign the birthday card? There’s even a special space to leave a personal message of encouragement for John. After you’ve signed the card, I hope you’ll make a generous contribution to John’s reelection campaign, so he can continue his service to our country.” We will do one of these things! MORE »

The super-dumb full-of-shit jingoistic Magic 8-Ball known as “John McCain’s twatbot” crapped this out today: “America has been and remains the greatest force for good in history.” Eric Spiegelman wonders why John McCain is pissing on Christ’s grave. [Bus Your Own Tray]

Well, this is uncomfortable. Here’s Walnuts having a “senior moment” as he mumbles happily (or sadly?) about how the House and Senate will surely pass Obama’s Democratic $3.6 Trillion Welfare Budget today. [YouTube/Associated Press]

How deeply must you despise your former running mate — the person you wanted America to accept as a perfectly good and safe president-in-waiting, just a few months ago — to be unable to fake a quick “Sure I support her” on a Sunday news-chat show? Here’s Old Walnuts McCain utterly unable to answer a simple question about Palin from David Gregory, because good lord, Palin is absolute human garbage. You’ve got to be some real dumb trash when even Republicans won’t support you. [YouTube/USA Today]

This fantastic McCain Campaign fire sale doesn’t just provide gadgets and office supplies on the cheap — you can also buy enough Republican VIP personal information and incriminating emails to run your own failed presidential run! Local teevee station Fox 5 sent somebody over to the Everything Must Go sale, and while most of the good stuff was gone, there were still 10 Blackberry fancy-phones selling for $20 each. The teevee reporter bought as many as she could afford (two?) and raced back to the newsroom. MORE »

Wonkette hope-troll operative “Xavier” sends us this question that appears (or at least appeared briefly) on the humorless intellectual black snob website, Change.gov. Finally, some red meat from that trashy nerd emporium! But no, WALNUTS!, you cannot be president.

The news has decided to stop today, because Thanksgiving is tomorrow. So uh here is a video clip from when was it, the other day, when John McCain gave his first press conference since the Presidential election. Once again we must remark on how much more relaxed and normal-seeming he is now that he no longer has to fear actually winning the public office he spent his whole life looking forward to losing. Also WHAT’S UP CAMERA GUY AROUND THE ONE-MINUTE MARK. [First Read, MSNBC]

Wow, this meeting between Walnuts and Mr. Cool is almost too embarrassing to watch. But what the hell, the risk of personal embarrassment never stopped McCain. [CNN/YouTube via LV-426]

Barack Obama’s favorite movie is The Godfather, and today he gets to recreate the scene in which Abe Vigoda begs forgiveness for his crimes against the Family, and dashing young monster Michael Corleone offers exile in Las Vegas, but then has Vigoda savagely assassinated on the way to the airport. This will happen in Chicago today, basically, but clueless old McCain is being lured to Obama’s lair with false rumors of a cabinet appointment. MORE »

Oh, America, what will we do without our Long National Election Nightmare? We’ll do what we always do: Gossip, “scoops,” Joe Biden gaffes, etc. Joe Lieberman! That will be funny, whatever happens to old anus-face. And we’ve already lost so many seemingly irreplaceable human jokes, and it turned out that they were all immediately forgettable, too: Drunken Jenna & Barbara, Krazy Katherine Harris, folksy moron “Hollywood Fred” Thompson, rat-faced fascist Rudy Giuliani in his ladies’ clothes, gay instant-message masturbator Mark Foley, all the hilarious racists such as Jesse Helms and Zell Miller and Trent Lott, etc. So we’ll soon forget all the dumb-ass attention whores who amused us this year, too. Let’s start saying good-bye, together. MORE »