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Fear not, patient wingnuts! SARAH PALIN knows what it feels like to wait and wait and wait and wait for a celebrity JOHN HANCOCK. She knows what it’s like to practically die from hypothermia and disappointment. Yes, she has suffered just as you have: During the carefree ’90s — pre-9/11 Alaska, when Alaskans still felt […]

Hoochiemama! Teenage cumsicle LEVI JOHNSTON shan’t be accepting the generous Turkey Day invitation from SARAH PALIN, who selflessly offered her home to Levi on national teevee! “You could tell by her laugh she was full of it,” explained Levi. And by “it,” Levi meant “a deep-seated desire to punch me, Levi Johnston, in the dick.” […]

In an effort to reduce its carbon footprint, the REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE has pledged to recycle smear campaigns and political spin! Yes, MICHAEL STEELE has finally done it! He’s bringing back all your favorites: “flip-flopper” … WILLIE HORTON … “cut and run” … “Why did the Democrats flip-flop and let Willie Horton cut and run?” […]

Hot date! Southern gentleman and rhetorician REP. JOE WILSON (R-SC) has been given the honor of escorting German Chancellor-Frau ANGELA MERKEL to the 20th annual Berlin Wall Ball. But will Joe be ready for the big night? Where will he find a corsage that compliments Angela’s captivating blue eyes? And can he trust the ILLEGAL […]

Gee whiz, not even plague-ridden rodents phase BARACK OBAMA! It’s true: Once upon a time young Barry Obama was talking on the telephone — as Chicago lawyers often do — when quite out of nowhere a grimy rat scurried across the floor and climbed up his leg. TONY REZKO had threatened to unleash the rats […]

Good gravy, the GAZONGA COLLECTORS are after former California Biddie of the Year CARRIE PREJEAN! Poor Carrie signed a six-month lease on her enormous ta-ta job, but now she doesn’t want to make the monthly payments because seriously, what is DONALD TRUMP going to do, repossess her boobs? Like the Good Book says, The Trump […]

Stray boys and cats are already camping outside of Target in hopes of procuring a SARAH PALIN NAUGHTY ALASKAN MAID HALLOWEEN COSTUME (one size fits all). Complete with a moose pelt mini skirt, an apron/Twitter feed, a GOP debit card and a boner-inducing book deal, industry analysts predict the nipple-hardening Alaskan get-up will be an […]

It’s official: Poo poo platter BILL O’REILLY wants to finger-bang the snot out of Minnesota Medusa MICHELE BACHMANN. Say no, Michele! You have a husband, a family — What would your son GRENDEL think? Baby Jesus himself would probably have a hernia. But Bill has a certain charm to him and he’s so soft and […]

In the name of Her Majesty and the Continental Congress! According to some sort of ‘Save Glenn Beck’ online petition, Americans overwhelmingly chose WALMART as the symbol of our great Union! Other popular symbols that didn’t make the cut: a bald eagle clenching a Kenyan birth certificate with its razor-sharp talons, LYNNDIE ENGLAND pointing at […]

What does MEGHAN McCAIN want to be when she grows up? An astronaut? A syndicated Twitterer? Balderdash! Meghan dreams of a simple life in the circus, as a lion tamer or a contortionist or something. But Meghan is already surrounded by clowns! CINDY McCAIN can walk on her hands whilst farting the Pledge of Allegiance. […]

Heavens! The DEBT COLLECTORS are in hot pursuit of America’s prized orator, JOE WILSON! Apparently Joe purchased 30,000 “I’m With Myself” tee shirts with his credit card, because he forgot to buy his wife something nice for 9/11. But guess what? BANK OF AMERICA does not accept SCREAMING as a form of payment! (It used […]

JOHN McCAIN cut himself (“down the highway” not “across the street”) after NAVY lost to Ohio State, at American collegiate football. Hardly a surprise, considering those dapper Navy midshipmen can’t even beat a bunch of dirty beatnik bookworms at croquet. Can you even begin to imagine how disastrous it would be if MIT challenged Navy […]

Remember when America was American as APPLE PIE, when you could call your congressman’s office and enjoy the patriotic vibrations of MICHELE BACHMANN’S iTunes playlist while you were put on hold? Those days are over, because Caliph of the House NANCY PELOSI has decreed strict Sharia law: Henceforth, all music is forbidden in congressional offices, […]

Oh wow, even ALIENS loathe socialist earthling emperor BARACK OBAMA! Justifiably furious about Obama’s tentative plans to euthanize extra terrestrial grannies, ZENSUNNI WANDERERS from the planet ARRAKIS sculpted “Say no to Obama” into a field of Texan weeds, with special FREMEN LASERS. Crop circles have become increasingly political over the years, a trend started by […]

Creepy Italian sausage SILVIO “JUST CALL ME PAPI” BERLUSCONI cherishes his privacy. Sì, Berlusconi needs his special alone time, so he can mount meter maids and plow the dickens out of teenage models in peace. But why won’t the evil ITALIAN MEDIA respect Berlusconi’s privacy? Surely they will all be excommunicated after ruining his daughter’s […]