December 6, 2013
pt visions of america
Florida swamp monster Terry Jones needs money. Or he has run out of sedatives. Or, and we’re going to say this is the most likely one, he is feeling a little hard up these days, because he’s about to get a complimentary body cavity exam from the Secret Service: He put some kind of racist [...]
What better occasion than the nation’s first caucus/primary thing of 2012 to remember that Americans are mouth-breathing idiots. The new Vanity Fair/CBS survey of U.S. dumbness has been released, and it proves that two-thirds of this nation’s adults have no idea that the population of the USA is approximately 300 million people. You didn’t even [...]
Last week we mentioned that a half-dozen heirs to the Wal-Mart fortune own more than the 100,000,000 Americans at the wrong end of the U.S. Pyramid of Poverty, which is gigantic on the bottom and narrow in the middle and just a teeny tiny point on the top that controls all the wealth in this [...]
Anything good on the news innerwebs tonight? No? Not at all?
Rat-faced hillbilly “Pastor Terry Jones” still exists, for some reason. (Weren’t we supposed to drop him from a Predator onto a pile of rocks in Afghanistan, so that one of his stray limbs would kill a child or a nursing mother? Is this even America anymore?) So, this Terry Jones character is going around, spewing [...]
Are you an ex-stripper trying to get it together by kicking the meth and oxycontin? Tired of your boyfriend you met at the strip club, that cop, always beating the shit out of you? Can’t afford enough tattoos to cover your bruises and track marks? Welcome to Texas! You know, where you were born and [...]
Wonkette operative “Allen E.” passes on this notice from the Federal Transit Administration about Americans being so fat now that the government standards for average passenger weight need to be “updated.” Because otherwise, the buses are going to fall apart under the strain of carrying today’s obese American: SUMMARY: The Federal Transit Administration (FTA) is [...]
It seems we’re working on an “Arizona Trilogy” today, as part of “Trilogy Week” here at Wonkette. (Yesterday was “Americans Unleash Vile Hate On American Muslims” day. Did you enjoy that?) Anyway, the third of our Arizona Stories today concerns 575-pound Blair River, a shockingly fat person who occasionally worked as the spokesmodel for the [...]
Nothing else legal is as evil as the American Housebuilding Industry. Pretty much everything wrong with this country — from the oil wars it fights abroad to the morally crippled exurban old people at Tea Party rallies to their unwanted adult children living in squalid fourth-ring apartment complexes on a diet of SSI and methamphetamine [...]
A thousand Iraq Pulitzers for tonight’s NYTIMES.COM front page!
Sometimes, things are just so weird that you’ve got no real choice but to spray paint a bunch of angry anti-Mexican crap all over your crappy car, for America!
On the eve of the most important midterm election of the year, the combined cultural powers of teevee’s 60 Minutes and the movie-star magazine Vanity Fair have again delivered a poll that tells us not only what Americans think, but what they are.
GlennBeckPalooza is finally over, as you can probably tell from the smoking ruins of America left in the wake of the Martians’ attack. “Okay we have HAD IT with you idiots,” the Martians said, before bombing every last Taco Bell and WalMart from coast to coast. Now there’s nothing left. But did Glenn Beck’s followers [...]
Did you spend the weekend rocking out to the Mosquetard anthem “Keep Your Hands To Yourself”? Well then maybe you’ve already noticed this special part of the video, at 0:39, when the Doofus Forces of Justice raise this banner in support of “Groud Zero, the monument to terrorism!”
How are things in McDonaldland, USA? Pretty bad, we bet! Here’s the “State of the Union,” as video-recorded by a robot camera over the McDonald’s drive-thru somewhere. (Oh and your Wonkette has an “arrangement” with this news-video company, so whatever commercial you suffer through is actually sending a little money to your Wonkette writers who [...]