• Introducing: Lip gloss that transforms into a secret date rape drug test kit! Hallelujah! Now you can let that Republican Senator buy you thousands of Flirtinis. Ah, peace of mind. [The Daily Dish]
• Rush Limbaugh can only tell the truth because his son wished it so, when he blew out his birthday candles. Wikiquotes, on the other hand … lies lies lies. [RedState]
• Will Matt Yglesias be able to use his Flux Capacitor to go back in time and prevent himself from reading Infinite Jest? No one knows. [Matt Yglesias]
• The RNC has found new footage that suggests Hitler spent his last days in the Führerbunker pouting about Nancy Pelosi and her shared vision of an Aryan public option. [TPM]
• What will the ’10s be like? Will it be a fun decade? Maybe roller skates will have a comeback? Or will we regress into anarchy and burn tires in the cobblestone streets and eat space ice cream for nourishment? [AMERICAblog]

The RNC bought John McCain a $150,000 traveling machine that will warp the time-space continuum and create wee worm holes for the action hero to use in his quest to visit all 50 states simultaneously on Monday. His schedule includes stops in Florida, Virginia, Pennsylvania, Indiana, New Mexico, Nevada, and Arizona. That will conclude the “feats of intergalactic stamina” portion of the presidential contest, and then it’s on to the “how many jars of Mother’s Mango Pickle can you consume before you vomit?” segment, in which Barack Obama is heavily favored. [First Read]

Oh WOWSERS one brave Christian has traveled into the future and brought back a chilling message from 2012: After godless liberal Marxist free-love hedonist Barack Obama ascends to power, he will stack the Supreme Court with six (6) young hippies, force everyone to get gay married, and sit on his hands while the Russians invade Massachusetts. (Enh, let ‘em have it, it’s all full of Communists anyway!) Religious people should be concerned about this, especially the ones who vote for Obama because they will be going to Hell. [Letter from 2012 in Obama's America (PDF)]

And because nothing about Larry Craig’s bizarre plan to un-resign from the Senate makes any fucking sense, we’re going to elevate commenter Outstando to the front page — because if he’s right, this may be a coded (or uncoded) message to other time travelers who may be able to help Soldier From The Future “Larry Craig” save America from a 40-year Robot Mary Cheney Regime that ends with Idaho under two miles of (poison) water. Think about it. MORE »

According to medical experts at the University of Maryland, Abraham Lincoln could’ve survived his disastrous trip to Ford’s Theater - had he merely traveled forward through time 140 years. It wouldn’t have been an easy recovery, though. MORE »

Hey, John Doolittle’s house was raided by the FBI last Friday! As usual, the gears of justice have turned quickly and decisively in dealing with the crooked lawmakers who enabled Jack Abramoff. MORE »

While there have been many successful government conspiracies against the American people — Enron, Iran-Contra, the S&L collapse, “Dancing With the Stars,” 9/11, etc. — the proletariat prefers simpler narratives, such as the troubling connections between the tragic loss of Gerald Ford and James Brown within a few hours of each other.

All the evidence of a massive, far-reaching riddle wrapped in an enigma, after the jump.

MORE »