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  this is why we can't have nice things

Send Us Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Mentally Ill Kentuckians: Your Florida Roundup

This story has Bearing Arms AND Baring Arms in it!
Greetings, Wonketeers, from America’s Sam’s Cola, a state so strange and wondrous that all kinds of people are just dying to move here, and then some of them die here, because they are old. One of our newest denizens is a man named Adam Horine, but for some strange reason he did not actually want to come here at all: Read more on Send Us Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Mentally Ill Kentuckians: Your Florida Roundup…
  this is why we can't have nice things

Sorry, Kansas, But Gov. Brownback Has To Spend All Your Money Stopping Bortions

Yes he still blows a lot, always will
Who is absolutely THE WORST Republican governor in U.S. America? Oh all of ’em, Katie? Correct! But Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback is trying super hard to be even more THE WORST than all the others combined. As if it weren’t bad enough that he bankrupted the state with tax cuts for the rich that work as well as unicorn farts, he would like to make his state even more broke, for the unborned babies. Earlier this month, Brownback signed into law SB 95, a bill written by the “pro-life” National Right to Life Committee to ban essentially all second-term abortions by inventing the term “dismemberment abortion” and then saying “that’s mean and gross, you can’t do that.” And because this is a blatantly unconstitutional law, it’s going to cost Kansas a truckload of dollars it does not have. Fiscal conservatism, for the win: Read more on Sorry, Kansas, But Gov. Brownback Has To Spend All Your Money Stopping Bortions…
  this is why we can't have nice things

Musicians Dishonor Troops, Make The Baby Jesus Bald Eagle Cry

Damn dirty longhairs
Did everyone catch the terrible Concert for Valor to honor our military veterans last night? We say it was terrible because some of the musicians took it upon themselves to dishonor the troops, the flag, the bald eagle, Mom, apple pie, baseball and Michael Bay movies. What was the offense committed by known communists Bruce Springsteen, Dave Grohl and Zac Brown? They covered Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Fortunate Son,” a known “anti-war anthem.” Outrage! A slap in the face! Read more on Musicians Dishonor Troops, Make The Baby Jesus Bald Eagle Cry…
  this is why we can't have nice things

Wellesley Women Don’t Know Much About Art But They Know What They Don’t Like

Wellesley womyn, we applaud you. You saw an injustice, and you demanded change. Oh, wait, no. You saw a piece of art, “The Sleepwalker” by Tony Matelli, and said it was offensive and scared you and triggered you and made you feel “unsafe,” and demanded it be removed because BAD ART! BAD! “[T]his highly lifelike sculpture has, within just a few hours of its outdoor installation, become a source of apprehension, fear, and triggering thoughts regarding sexual assault for many members of our campus community,” says the petition, which was penned by student Lauren Walsh. “While it may appear humorous, or thought-provoking to some, it has already become a source of undue stress for many Wellesley College students, the majority of whom live, study, and work in this space.” Read more on Wellesley Women Don’t Know Much About Art But They Know What They Don’t Like…
  this is why we can't have nice things

Congresslout Dana Rohrabacher Missed Getting On ‘Hoarders’ By *This* Much

You’d like to think that if you were renting your million-dollar California house to a freakin’ congressman they’d take decent care of the place, wouldn’t you? You know, unless maybe it was Sen. John Blutarsky or the Hon. Oscar Madison. If there’s any justice in how memes travel, let’s hope that California Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-Taliban) will someday becomes equally synonymous with “slovenly sloppy piggy-man.” Just look at how he trashed the four-bedroom, four-bathroom, house in Costa Mesa that he moved into on April 1, 2010. Between then and his departure in August 2012, he and his family managed to turn the place into a pigsty (possibly literally — that may explain some of the stains). Massive black stains and muck covered the carpet throughout the home. Sticky grime encased damaged, rusted appliances. Denied water, once-thriving outside plants and grass dried up and died. Blinds were cracked. Black dirt ruined the appearance of once-sparkling tile floors. Walls inexplicably contained odd holes, nail polish, wax and some smelly substance that may have been feces. There is almost certainly a reasonable explanation for this. Probably it involves strong drink and an even stronger sense of “Fuck you, I’m in Congress, I can do what I want.” At this point, of course, we are merely speculating. Read more on Congresslout Dana Rohrabacher Missed Getting On ‘Hoarders’ By *This* Much…
  this is why we can't have nice things

John McCain’s Hurt Feelings Will Run Your Life Forever, America

Hey Americans! Do you like governance by snit? OF COURSE YOU DO. What country wouldn’t want its fate determined by petty grievances and your leaders generally acting like whiny little bitchcakes towards one another? We sure do love it! USA! So what is the latest crucial thing that is being blocked by someone having a sad? Chuck Hagel’s nomination, of course! Who is doing the sadblocking this time? Good old….actually, bad fucking old John McCain: Read more on John McCain’s Hurt Feelings Will Run Your Life Forever, America…
  this is why we can't have nice things

Newark Tries To Murder Cory Booker

America, have you enjoyed your Cory Booker? He has been your American superhero, your bright shining full-of-integrity star in the awful firmament of American politics. He saves ladies from burning buildings. He has a Gosling-style tumblr dedicated to him. He scored free Hot Pockets for America, or at least for Newark. He’s just like you, if you were much better at everything and people fawned all over you on the twitters. It is with great regret, therefore, that Wonkette must inform you that Cory Booker is just another dirty politician like all the rest! Read more on Newark Tries To Murder Cory Booker…
  this is why we can't have nice things

Noted Humanitarian Rush Limbaugh To Be Honored At Missouri Statehouse

National treasure and beloved American public intellectual Rush Limbaugh will join Great Communicators Walter Cronkite, Mark Twain, and Charlie Parker and some others (Harry S Truman, Bob Barker, and John Ashcroft) in the Show Me state’s …. nope. Can’t do it. Here, go read this for a minute and then come back. Read more on Noted Humanitarian Rush Limbaugh To Be Honored At Missouri Statehouse…