Tag Archives: pt the homosexuals!

  the homosexuals!

Marcus Bachmann Asks Gay Guy to Pay For Services Not Performed

Your Wonkette reporter of homosexuals is very sad to report that Republican presidential candidate and famous Congresslady Michele Bachmann’s silver-maned heterosexual dreamboat needs some cash. $150, to be exact. No, it is not for a beautiful new wig or one of those special fake-booby things that drag queens wear! Stop being silly, everyone. It’s just an unpaid bill for “fixing” someone’s homosexuality. Read more on Marcus Bachmann Asks Gay Guy to Pay For Services Not Performed…
  the homosexuals!

Rick Santorum Exposes Horrors of Gay Marrying With Boozey Metaphors

Hello, everyone, it’s your Reporter of the Homosexuals, risen from the ashes like the phoenix once again, here to bring you glad tidings of icky gayness and Rick Santorum. It’s getting hard out there for a bigot, it is, as pretty much every euphemistic argument they’ve come up with in order to avoid clutching their pearls, screaming “God Hates Fags!” and retiring to their secret leathersex dungeons in frustration has been summarily pointed at, laughed at and peed on by reason, common sense and, increasingly, the American judicial system. What, oh what, does a wingnut have to do these days to convince normal, non-sexually stunted people that the Big Jeebs really, really does hate ‘dem gaywads and is going to send them to a fiery hell for all eternity? Could, apropos of nothing, random household items like paper products or beer be the key to understanding? Let’s watch some of Rick Santorum’s suggestions! Read more on Rick Santorum Exposes Horrors of Gay Marrying With Boozey Metaphors…
  the homosexuals!

God-Fearing Gay-Curing iPhone App Destroyed By Homosexual Radicals

Well, well, well, you say, look who’s rolling up into the Wonkette like he never left!  That is right, it is your Reporter of the Homosexual Menace, who has been frankly quite busy lately with his full-time gig at another pro-America website. But he is here to gloat about his organization condemn the activities of Radical Homofascists, who have truly crossed the line this time, by taking away the only iPhone app (besides Grindr) which was ever any fun for the untold thousands of (apparently invisible) “ex-gays” among us. Read more on God-Fearing Gay-Curing iPhone App Destroyed By Homosexual Radicals…
  the homosexuals!

HomoCon Attendees’ Nipples Still Hard From Ann Coulter’s Anti-Gay Slurs

When GOProud, the only American group catering to the feelings of wingnut butt goblins, announced that they were going to have a big “HomoCon” party this past weekend, the Internet said “whatever” and went back to fantasizing about Justin Bieber.  When it was announced that the expired entertainer known as “Ann Coulter” would be headlining, and moreover that they were referring to her as “The Judy Garland of the Right,” the Internet stopped and laughed, as she, with her appearance, caused the Gayest Wingnut Slapfight Ever, as wingnuts of all shapes and sexual malfunctions sniped at each other over who Ann Coulter loves more:  GOProud or the bigots?  That was the question. Read more on HomoCon Attendees’ Nipples Still Hard From Ann Coulter’s Anti-Gay Slurs…
  the homosexuals!

Jeebus Lady Cindy Jacobs Repents For All Lesbians, Cleanses Craigslist

Your Wonkette reporter of The Homosexuals is back bearing good news, or as they like to call it in church, “a new gospel”: All of the world’s lesbians have been fully repented for! This happened last week, in Sacramento, at a big Jesus party thrown by My Boyfriend Lou Engle. Though he has failed utterly in his mission from God to save San Francisco from Chadd, the three-story-tall homosexual Jesus giant, Lou called in a crazy Jeebus lady named Cindy Jacobs to take care of all the lesbians, and oh boy, did she ever! Read more on Jeebus Lady Cindy Jacobs Repents For All Lesbians, Cleanses Craigslist…
  the homosexuals!

Ken Mehlman’s Official Gay Coming-Out Party Happening Now!

Rumors about former RNC chair Ken Mehlman’s Complete Gayness have been swirling around for years and years.  Mike Rogers outed him several years back, as part of his campaign to rid the political world of homosexuals who cynically use the rest of the gay community as bait in order to convince rubes, yahoos, bumpkins and other morons to set down the teevee clicker even if it means missing the last five minutes of The 700 Club, in order to go out and vote Republican, due to abject fear of gays.  Mehlman’s sins were particularly egregious, since we are after all talking about the guy who helped run the most anti-gay presidential campaign in history, which gave us Four More Years of the Crawford hick and his handlers, Karl and Dick. Read more on Ken Mehlman’s Official Gay Coming-Out Party Happening Now!…
  the homosexuals!

Ann Coulter to Blame for Gayest Wingnut Slapfight Ever

Did everybody hear about the big shame-party that the homosexual conservatives are throwing in New York City for Ann Coulter?  If this news missed you, worry not, for there likely will be tickets available until several weeks after the event. But let’s catch up.  This group is not kidding when they call themselves “GOProud” — or at least they don’t understand why we think it’s funny — and they are throwing the first annual “HomoCon,” which will be just like Comic-Con, except the virgins will be humorless and homosexual, and at least 99% white. Read more on Ann Coulter to Blame for Gayest Wingnut Slapfight Ever…
  the homosexuals!

Everyone Boycotting Everything For Gayness and Jesus Purposes

ACTION ALERT! You may not be aware that there are products and services you are supposed to be boycotting right now, so your Wonkette reporter of homosexuals is here to save the day! Things used to be much simpler, back when the American Family Association was boycotting McDonald’s for their excessive gayness, by leaving hilarious comments on the internet about how their Real ‘Murkan families didn’t NEED no Big Macs, and could just suck their trans fats through a straw, like Jesus taught them in the Bible. However, this summer, things are Complicated, because everybody is boycotting everything, due to Too Many Gays, Not Enough Gays, Gays in France, Lesbian Carpenters, Gays on Skates, and of course, Messicans. So, let’s see if we can help everybody out with a handy guide! Read more on Everyone Boycotting Everything For Gayness and Jesus Purposes…
  the homosexuals!

Jewish ‘Ex-Gay’ Group JONAH Pioneers ‘Take Off Your Pants, Touch Yourself’ Method of De-Gayification

Do you find yourself to be “gay and Jewish,” but wish you could shake the “gay” part? Well, then just remove your pants, stand in front of this mirror and stroke yourself for me, and you’ll be the lady-romancing “Eric Cantor” of your local shul before you know it! The senior counselor for JONAH, (Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality … no, really!), the nation’s largest Jewish “pray away the gay” group, which actually exists, has been caught using extremely creative and sexually abusive methods to de-gay his clients. Read more on Jewish ‘Ex-Gay’ Group JONAH Pioneers ‘Take Off Your Pants, Touch Yourself’ Method of De-Gayification…
  the homosexuals!

Selfless Drag Queen Teaches Republican Politicians Valuable Lesson About Honesty

This is the spirit of America right here: A drag queen named “Sherry Vine,” who had been busying herself up to this point doing parodies of Lady GaGa videos, answered the call of a weeping nation and decided to teach our Closeted Homosexual Republicans about the virtue of HONESTY, via, of course, a Lady GaGa parody, because hey, that is what this Sherry Vine does. Read more on Selfless Drag Queen Teaches Republican Politicians Valuable Lesson About Honesty…
  the homosexuals!

Rev. Lou Engle and His Three-Story-Tall Homosexual Jesus Giant

Hello, I am your new Wonkette reporter of The Homosexuals, and what they are thrusting upon society, or what is being thrusteth upon them. Sometimes I will post a round-up of what is going on that you might not have heard about, or maybe I will write about specific things related to The Homosexuals. It really just depends on how many keys The Editor has made for me! You might remember crazy wingnut pastor Lou Engle from the time he and Michele Bachmann convulsed back and forth with all their friends on video, imploring the Lord to Take Back Our Country through His preferred prayer method, which is, of course, loud communal fully-clothed orgasms. Read more on Rev. Lou Engle and His Three-Story-Tall Homosexual Jesus Giant…