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  the flotus files

Michelle Obama’s Week of Living Hell

Real Americans know that they are living in the Greatest Country in the World, no matter how many hours they spend in the unemployment line, because that’s just how it is, forever. So why does Michelle Obama, the wife of our President and part-owner of First Dog, Bo, think that she is living in hell? Is it because DC gets hot in the summer? Is it because the guy in charge (Fenty? the Devil?) is so scary? Maybe it’s because one day, Michelle Obama was at home in Chicago making a low-calorie organic smoothie when her husband came home and told her he was running for president — even though this was good news because all Michelle would have to do is look pretty and pick something non-partisan to champion, like curing fat children. And so she said, “Okay, as long as I am allowed to go on a brief vacation to Europe!” But as it turns out, vacations are not allowed, looking pretty is for old French monarchs, and curing fat children will lead to riots in the streets, for French fries. So, is the life of the FLOTUS really Hell? Read more on Michelle Obama’s Week of Living Hell…
  the flotus files

Michelle Plays Football For America’s Fat Children

If you got out the beer and cold cuts and had the neighbors over to watch 9/11 on the teevee the other day, perhaps you saw our First Lady Michelle Obama mark the occasion with a visit to Shanksville, Pennsylvania, home of a couple of mills and the terrible Flight 93 crash site. Laura Bush was there, too, and she reminded us that “on this day, Americans had no division,” right before Michelle Obama reminded us that they “came from all different backgrounds” and we were confused, because how can we have no division if we are not all the same? At least we can take comfort in knowing that there are two things we do have in common as Americans, besides our love of all things 9/11: our struggle with obesity and the idolatry of professional athletes. Last week, our FLOTUS brought us all of our favorite things. Read more on Michelle Plays Football For America’s Fat Children…
  the flotus files

The Mosque is Michelle Obama’s Fault, Because of Spain

Have you had enough 9/11 lately? If you are a True Patriot, the answer is, of course, “Never!” So you must be excited for the FLOTUS reunion between current, sexy FLOTUS Michelle Obama and previous, less exciting FLOTUS Laura Bush at the future site of the Flight 93 National Memorial, coming soon to a teevee screen near you. This is a beautiful example of bipartisanship during this whole Ground Zero Mosk debacle. But wait, should Michelle Obama really be honoring victims of America’s Darkest Day when she is secretly a Muslim? Read more on The Mosque is Michelle Obama’s Fault, Because of Spain…