Illinois political legend and pyramid builder Roland Burris will not run for re-election in 2010, according to various Chicago street organizers. And, because he wasn’t elected in the first place, he will also not do that, run for election. This will be announced tomorrow at Michael Jackson’s Friday News-Dump Memorial Service, to be held deep within the bowels of Roland Burris’ Tomb. But how will the Democrats maintain their fragile, broken and actually worthless 60-vote super-majority in the Senate, without Hero Roland? [Chicago Sun-Times/AP-Yahoo]

Beloved pretend congresslady Shelley “Dracula Cunt” Sekula Gibbs lost her hundredth straight election the other day — losing a GOP primary runoff to some nobody — and now her dreams and even this sign are in the garbage, forever, along with an empty bottle of $2.99 “Barefoot Chardonnay” and some type of (Nazi?) lager bottle and enough coat hangers for a hundred Texas abortions. Farewell, sweet rodeo princess of our heart! Photo courtesy of Wonkette Operative “John.”

What Canadians call “L’affaire Spitzer” had one very happy patriotic outcome, in that America finally put its racism and misogyny behind it just long enough to say, “Yes We Can have a blind governor, in New York, as long as he isn’t democratically elected or anything.” And just like that, we had a blind governor, David Paterson. But what if the whole thing was a terrible fraud? MORE »