What is this? WHAT IS THIS? Oh, right, it’s this … which is no explanation at all. MORE »

Shocking news from the Terrorism Security Agency: All airplane terrorists would not have even existed if ONLY the TSA had crucial information from you, the person booking a flight on the Internet. What is that you say, potential terrorist? You already provide your name and your credit card and then your government-issued photo ID at the airport, to 30 or 40 different TSA employees? THAT IS NOT ENOUGH WHAT ARE YOU SOME KIND OF MUSLIM? MORE »

Just a little biographical note here: Your editor grew up in the Deep South and every white person’s dog was taught something similar. Always so funny! And now with YouTube, everybody can love the jokes. [BuzzFeed]

Alaskan teen Levi Johnston is famous for banging one of Sarah Palin’s daughters in Sarah Palin’s house in a special fuck room Sarah Palin created for the children, and ever since America has turned to Young Mr. Levi for tawdry details of the Palin Lifestyle. The latest, from some awful celebrity shit site: Todd and Sarah got some terrible marriage problems! MORE »

IMPORTANT UPDATE ON OBAMA-JOKER POSTER: Even though creative people are liberal by nature and street artists played an interesting role in the election of liberal Barack Obama, who is widely supported by creative people, because they are liberal, “the art community is not meeting its duty of always questioning those in power,” because they have not immediately turned on Barack Obama, the president they just elected because they want him to be president. But just as a wife beater must always beat his wife, even if he loves her and doesn’t want to beat her, an artist MUST hate Obama, even if he loves Obama. Now where would such rote/contrarian insanity be published? [Reason]

Oh man, Newsweek. We were all prepared to just ignore this, to make it die, because JESUS, but the copy editors closed the deal nicely with this subhed: “Peace Partners: Bush and Obama could play good-cop, bad-cop with Israel.” OH COME ON. Fine, here’s a quick mockery of your broke magazine’s pornographic web-dung. MORE »

You know who used to be American, when he killed fucking foreigners in “World War II or Korea or one of these places,” while wearing the proper green “Army duds,” before liberal Hollywood turned him into a cocksucking cross-dresser? GI JOE THAT IS WHO, come on. MORE »

Much like the earlier generations of unemployed bloggers, Meghan McCain is just so deep in the Internet right now that she’s going double insane. Behold her nervous, illiterate twitters about somebody she doesn’t know who may or may not exist, on the Internet, and perhaps at minimum exists on the other side of the country, typing some sadsack stuff about wanting to die. Teen-agers are hyper-emotional, Meghan, sort of like you, except you haven’t been a teen-ager since your dad almost joined John Kerry’s presidential ticket. MORE »

As Sarah Palin proved to a disgusted nation, you don’t need to know how to write or even read to get a book deal in End Times America. All you need to be is a disgraced former beauty contestant who hates the same fruits and coloreds as Red State America, where illiteracy is no barrier to buying, say, a Glenn Beck book at the Wal-Mart. What do you call a dumb bigot with big hair, high heels and a few pounds of makeup? How about America’s Next Top Author? MORE »

When Nobama shuts down Twitter to finally free America from gross old white guys typing porn on their Blackberry machines, it will be messages like this one that we remember, from creepy weirdo Karl Rove, about how he works in an office full of masturbators draped in Snuggie-brand couch blankets, in the heat of July. [Twitter via The Hill]

Read the boring old ghost-written industrial-lobby press release “op ed” under Sarah Palin’s byline in the Washington Post today if you want the neocon elitist version of the Alaskan idiot. For the real “Let Sarah be batshit Sarah” Palin, you must look (with horror) upon her Twitter page. MORE »

SHUT UP, CLOWN-MOOSE: Erratic wingnut Sarah Palin is ready to rehabilitate her comical image! Only 23% of Americans approve of this fame-crazed snowbilly grifter — Hi, Republican base! — so it’s time for Palin to “write” an op-ed for the important neo-con pamphlet The Washington Post. It’s an unfunny collection of super-short paragraphs about how Obama will destroy America by, uh, let’s see, how about that cap-and-trade stuff nobody in this country understands, even though it might help the Earth, as far as the Melting? Thank Allah the entire WaPo copy desk spent a few days on this thing, so it wouldn’t read like Sarah’s late-night dumbass Twitters. [Washington Post]

Well, this is sort of what we all imagined, in our darkest & drunkest moments. Here’s a Fox News show featuring a weird jabbering middle-aged baby with hair plugs on the left side of the screen and some guy who claims to be a Bush Administration-era anti-Bin Laden agent on the right, and, well, they both share a certain dream for America, which involves the nation being horribly attacked by Osama bin Laden’s secret arsenal of nuclear weapons, from Mexico. THAT WILL LEARN US, RIGHT? MORE »