Hey, America: This is what you’ll lose, once the last bloated newspapers close forever: People like this, whining about the Most Important Thing Ever, a soggy newsprint version of yesterday’s wire copy and weeks-old syndicate features about “winter vegetables,” wrapped around a Big Lots! circular and six or seven pages of foreclosure notices in the back, along with a few “I HEREBY REFUSE TO PAY MY DEBT” classifieds, where the jobs/real estate ads used to be. Oh god. MORE »

MAYBE THIS WILL HUSH THEM UP: Ahh, here’s a much deserved article in the Washington Post about how insanely rude and distracting it is for people like Dick Cheney and Andy Card to be whining about how Obama is helping the terrorists win with his LACK OF A SUIT COAT during the first few weeks of a new administration, and an economic collapse. These people should imitate their suddenly more dignified ex-boss, George W. Bush, and shush. [WP]

Dagnabbit we were assured in no uncertain terms that Barack Obama was an unrepentant Marxist who would “spread the wealth around” and socialize medicine, plus other valuable American industries such as porn and sports teams. Everybody was going to win/get rich with virtually zero effort, except for the hard-working white Americans we would enslave for the Cause! Obama rode this wave of pro-Socialist sentiment to become President of our Second Great Depression. Only now have many proud netizens realized that our beloved Muslim Marxist was actually just some lousy centrist moderate type with a sober, pragmatic approach to governing and no intention of socializing anything, not even Major League Baseball. MORE »

Hark, what arriveth in our inboxes? It doth verily appear to be a “peggy noonan” Google Alert! What pleasures cometh our way on this Holy Day of Eleckt. We all remember that fateful day in 2006 when Peggy Noonan first chanced upon a Mexican — how her quill flowed, then! — but now Ms. Noonan has broken another barrier: speaking with a Mexican. And not just any Mexican, either: Kathryn Jean “K-Lo” Lopez, the former office secretary of National Review! What results is a tempestuous sojourn into the black heart of the American bizarre. MORE »

My friends, this election is not what you think it is. It is not about choosing between two candidates (AND RON PAUL WRITE-IN 4 LBRTY) for the next president. Ha! This election has always been about something more fundamentally innate to the American ethos: how easily newspaper reporters can get access to John McCain on his bus or plane between stops. And in today’s Los Angeles Times, one reporter examines her world-historical role in this tragic Sophoclean drama about the will of the Human against the cultural and political and naturalistic forces of the Gods, who sometimes go a whole week without giving a quickie press avail. If this is navel-gazing, then GAZE WE WILL into the NAVEL OF DARKNESS. MORE »

BLACK GOVERNOR IS RACIST FOR NOTING PALIN’S RACIST ATTACK ON ‘COMMUNITY ORGANIZERS’: What would the GOP do without black people to call racist? [Gawker]

• POOR BABIES: Apparently all Democratic Senators are complaining about how each is allotted only eight tickets to Barack Obama’s convention speech at Invesco Field. So everyone get together, let’s say it in unison, here we go: Aww. [Ben Smith]

David Brooks allows a made-up reader to address him as “Mr. Kierkegaard” today in his column. Here is what “Existential in Exeter” asks Søren Kierkegaard, who is David Brooks, about Culture: “All my life I’ve been a successful pseudo-intellectual, sprinkling quotations from Kafka, Epictetus and Derrida into my conversations, impressing dates and making my friends feel mentally inferior. But over the last few years, it’s stopped working. People just look at me blankly. My artificially inflated self-esteem is on the wane. What happened?” David Brooks gets high and then answers — oh man, does he ANSWER — this question (which he actually wrote to himself after getting high, too). MORE »

Actually, no.

Here is something Bill Clinton can’t do: Shut his fat mouth. Even as the Pennsylvania people are finally voting, the former president continues to make an ass of himself, make Hillary look terrible and basically bring shame to the Democrats and the entire nation. Guess what he’s talking about, again? How Barack Obama is like that Jesse Jackson, that’s what! MORE »