Congress’ top-ranked asshole, Rep. Steve King of Iowa, has offered his rationale for casting the lone vote against a resolution to duct-tape an Etch-a-Sketch plaque to the assistant janitor’s closet wall in the $600 million+ subterranean Capitol Visitors Center, to thank the slaves for building the U.S. Capitol as part of their slave work. MORE »

Congratulations to Arlen Specter for joining the Dixiecrat Party of America’s “Mid-Atlantic!” Here in America’s slave city, Richmond — a “blue city” now — we located the “X” marking on the ground where the Enola Gay will finally destroy the South with her payload of Pig Nukes from space — as soon as Arlen Specter gives the word! See? He doesn’t even have to “primary” here. MORE »

South Carolina slaveholder Katon Dawson was this close to becoming the new RNC chairman, but the yankees rallied ’round Maryland black person Michael Steele, who has since brought disgrace to the white party by talking about hip hop and websites. THIS WON’T STAND. Dawson is now orchestrating a “no confidence” vote against this vaguely African fellow, Michael Steele, while Dawson’s North Carolina ally has demanded Steele stop talking about the rap music. MORE »

This CNN article is consistently hilarious, the way it tries to segue between Barack Obama being president and the history of slavery. We learn all kinds of surprising information! “WASHINGTON (CNN) — In January, President-elect Barack Obama and his family will make history, becoming the first African-American first family to move into the White House — a house with a history of slavery. In fact, the legacy of American presidents owning slaves goes all the way back to George Washington.” Whoa, that far back!!? [CNN]

Whoa, it’s the electoral map with… with freakin’ dots all over the damn place, just cold clusterin’ and aggregatin’ over the blue areas. It is this: “Strange Maps overlays cotton production in 1860 with the 2008 presidential results.” Awkward! And as you can see, we’ve “overlaid” — with a retarded X — the approximate location of John McCain’s Mississippi plantation, which he refuses to visit for sexy parties every single year. [Strange Maps via Andrew Sullivan]

John McCain’s family owned at least nine million slaves, from Africa, back in the “good old days,” before Nancy Pelosi and the Liberals waged an unjust war on the Deep South and made everyone pay black people for work. (And people wonder why Congressional approval ratings are so low!) But the McCain clan still owns the Mississippi plantation land of its forefathers, and every year the surviving McCains — white descendants and black bastard children alike — meet for an enormous family reunion ON THE PLANTATION (wtf!!) and get wasted and tell each other hilarious stories about, what, that old cotton gin that kept breaking down just at the height of picking season. Ha ha ha! And for some reason, John McCain refuses to show up for these shindigs every year and now all of his cousins hate him. MORE »

Okay so it’s nine days old, but you must read this very delightful article about the effects of the financial crisis on Greenwich, Connecticut, a town where rich people live. There had been three types of people in Greenwich, organized into a clear heirarchy: rich hedge fund managers, rich investment bankers, and lastly, filthy serfs. Then! Wall Street crashed! And the new arrangement is thus: rich hedge fund managers, slightly less rich ex-investment bankers, and even filthier serfs. This is a disaster of world-historical magnitude and Hank Paulson needs to buy Greeenwich’s “middle class” new Ferraris to avoid SYSTEMIC GLOBAL FINANCIAL DEFAULT FAILURE. MORE »

Now that American Capitalism has completely failed and the U.S. currency is even more worthless, the folks at the U.S. Mint are having some fun by releasing this new Lincoln Penny, which reminds us that all Republicans are terrible closet-case homosexuals having grim bathroom encounters in these Log Cabins on the edge of town, by the interstate rest stop. MORE »

Alaskan Congressman Don Young, whose wife is a leading advocate of Capitol Hill’s chattel slavery economy, has a new pet project: the interstate slave monkey trafficking business. Now many of you are French and liberal and probably assume this harbors racial connotations. Well you keep eating that cheese, Jacques, because we’re talking about actual slave monkeys and not America’s lovely black people. Back in June, see, the House passed legislation banning the interstate sale of monkeys. How idiotic — leave it to the United States Congress to ban the economy’s most important industry in the middle of a recession. On Tuesday, however, Congressman Young introduced a new piece of legislation to amend the overreach of the previous one: it would “allow for the interstate transfer of specifically trained capuchin monkeys, who help severely disabled people with daily activities.” MORE »

Charles “Chip” Pickering is the only Mississippi Republican left in the House. He is the ultra-conservative son of famous racist/civil rights champion and retired federal judge Charles Pickering. Chip announced in August that he was quitting Congress so he could, of course, spend more time with his family, and get a lucrative lobbying job. The lobbying job will surely come, but on Friday it was announced that Chip is divorcing his wife so he can spend more time with all the various women he’s been connected with over the years. What, a Republican in Congress who commits adultery with the opposite sex? MORE »

Here’s an independent ad that was running in South Dakota before its June 3 primary from some Christian group, against Barack Obama. The Obama team complained about it shortly after its debut, and Obama has been referencing it recently as a typical attack ad he’ll see more of this fall. But he doesn’t mention how funny it is! The basic idea here: Obama is like a slave in the Underground Railroad, and when he escapes to the North, he and his crazy black church preacher institute a Muslim theocracy. Well *sorry*, Mr. Sensitive Luo Tribesman, we thought the people of South Dakota would’ve wanted to know this information before voting. STOLEN ELECTION. [YouTube]