Jesus christ did you see DRUDGE?! We are all going to die, for real this time. Which is probably why this horrific monument to the surviving 500 million people is suddenly in the news, right? Anyway, here is video of the Mexican Swine Flu.

If getting double-teamed by James Carville and Paul Begala is not your “cup of tea bags,” then head on over to the eBay and have your credit card ready! Glenn Beck, dough-head wingnut star of Fox TeeVee’s Goin’ Nuts Again with Glenn Beck, is selling his puffy body and all its orifices, on eBay! For one glorious day, you can do whatever you want to Glenn Beck! We bet it’s for some weird cause like preventing gay marriage. You don’t have to marry him, jeez! Just do whatever you like. Put him on a dog leash, cum in his ears, re-enact that Two Girls, One Cup youtube, whatever. It’s your day. It’s your Glenn Beck. (Probably not legal to kill him, although who knows what the laws are in New York City, the way they are waging a campaign of brutality against Rush Limbaugh and all that.) [Teablogging.net/eBay]

EXCITING NEW PROFILE OF THAT CONGRESSMAN MEGHAN McCAIN WANTED TO BONE: “Schock is ardently opposed to abortion and gay marriage—and he’s got the requisite scorn for Big Government. … Once you get past the likes and mans and you knows, the future of the GOP doesn’t sound all that different from the past.” Sexy! [Details]

Oh noes the wingnuts are very, very upset! Why? This street negro, Barack Obama, allegedly kowtowed to the Saudi King while meeting said Saudi King at the G-20. (The White House says, “Uhh, Obama is a lot taller than that old dwarf, so he bent down to look at him.”) It is shameful for an American president to politely bow one’s head while being presented to a Saudi Prince/King. You are supposed to smooch him up and hold his hand and walk him around your ranch and then give him a loving blowjob, like George W. Bush Junior always did! Let’s remember the good times, together. MORE »

GAY MARRIAGE LEGAL IN IOWA: The Iowa Supreme Court has released its big gay marriage ruling and guess what, it ruled that denying gay marriage is unconstitutional. The gays can now get married in America’s Heartland! Iowa, everyone is so nice there. Everyone was so nice to us there on our convention road trip last summer. Turns out they were just trying to gay-marry Ken! UPDATE: Yowza. Those muslin latte-sipping arugula judges really stuck it to the mouth-breathers with this one. [Des Moines Register]

MEGHAN MCCAIN TO ROOFIE YOUNG CONGRESSMAN: So it appears that Meghan McCain is trying to have sex with sexy young Republican Rep. Aaron Schock. Well she can just GET IN LINE. She writes, “At the end of the day, Congressman Schock is only three years older than me.” And she shall procure his seed! [Daily Beast]

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Well, if Prince is singing about AIG or something, then the recession must officially be sexy! It all makes sense, really: most pastimes Americans have up to this point enjoyed involve spending gobs of money ultimately derived from home equity lines of credit — with the sexy exception of sex, which is often “free,” and can take place in foreclosed condos and hobo shantytowns. MORE »

The Senate, for those unfamiliar with the august body, is sort of like the US version of the House of Lords; and like the House of Lords it is populated with harelipped dauphins who make ribald jokes with each other between bouts of pleurisy, gout, and cavorting with fast women, such as each other’s spouses. After the jump: the Iowa Republican totally pwns the North Dakota Democrat, who is unable to pleasure his wife. MORE »

And you all thought Washington wasn’t sexy: the office of ambitious young House Republican Whip Eric Cantor has confirmed to your Wonkette that instead of watching President Obama’s boring press conference last night like the rest of us dingbats, Cantor and a bipartisan group of legislators attended the Show Of The Century at downtown’s Verizon Center: a Britney Spears concert. If our children weren’t so concerned about future deficits, what would they think of this! MORE »

MOCA DC, a small nonprofit gallery near the canal in Georgetown, prides itself on showing under-represented artwork. But its Erotica exhibit opening tonight is probably not the kind of material lacking for a market. It kicks off with a live photoshoot of a Playboy model, and marches on bravely from there. MORE »

The latest proof that George W. Bush is gone and Barack Obama is president and we didn’t all just imagine this, on drugs, is this new official White House portrait of first lady Michelle Obama. And CNN, our nation’s teevee news channel, has stories like this one: “How to get Michelle Obama’s toned arms.” Please gaze upon this official portrait respectfully, hands up where we can see them, as she is the first lady. [White House]