Tag Archives: pt sexytime

  sexytime

What Kind Of ‘Foreplay’ Is John Boehner Looking For?

John Boehner, the weepy, drunky Speaker of the House who quite honestly would be your Wonkette’s favorite person in the world if he were a weepy drunky Dem instead of a scaredy little buttboy for Congress’s teabags (can you even imagine how many shot glasses we would sell with his weepy mug on them?), said a funny thing! They were jawin’ about immigration — jaw jaw jaw yak yak yak — and John Boehner said, “How about a little foreplay first?” Yesssss, John Boehner, how about it? (Before you all start commenting about washing your eyeballs with lye, be honest to yourselves and admit that Boehner is a very handsome man. And of course Wonket has daddy issues, why do you ask?) Read more on What Kind Of ‘Foreplay’ Is John Boehner Looking For?…
  sexytime

Strippers Score Hot Legal Victory Over Terrible Rhino

Here at Wonkette, we take our goal of bringing you Very Serious Legal News very seriously. Whether it is politicians getting busted for the sexytime, politicians getting busted for the sexytime, or politicians getting busted for the sexytime, we here at Wonkette are ON it. Sometimes sexytime isn’t so sexy, though! Sometimes ladies who deliver the sexytime to the lonely menz at the improbably named Spearmint Rhino chain of strip clubs get completely screwed over, and not in the fun way: Two women who danced at the Spearmint Rhino in Oxnard launched the suit: Christeen Rivera and Tracy Dawn Trauth. They claimed they were wrongly treated as independent contractors rather than employees entitled to benefits. They sought back wages, tips, attorney fees and damages. According to the suit, the women each earned an average of $500,000 a year in tips for lap and table dances. But the dancers alleged most of the money went to the club to cover “rent,” the disc jockey, stage fees, overhead costs and even penalties if they didn’t get enough men to purchase drinks during a shift. Read more on Strippers Score Hot Legal Victory Over Terrible Rhino…
  sexytime

Nation’s Sexiest Supervisor in Meth-Fueled Sex-Tape Sexytime

Do you see that lady? She is Nadia Lockyer, Alameda County, California, supervisor. Do you see that man? That is her husband, California state Treasurer Bill Lockyer. We know, right? So you could maybe understand why she has been having (allegedly) meth-feuled sex-tape sexytime with some dude she met in rehab (because of course), and then she (allegedly) straight-up beat that dude’s ass when it looked like he was still boning other ladies. Read more on Nation’s Sexiest Supervisor in Meth-Fueled Sex-Tape Sexytime…
  sexytime

The Night Marilyn Monroe Sang ‘Happy Birthday’ To JFK

It was 48 years ago today that Marilyn Monroe was literally sewn into a see-through gown and carried out to the stage of Madison Square Garden to serenade President John F. Kennedy for his birthday. LIFE photographer Bill Ray took this famous picture of Marilyn’s ass. And Hank Jones, the legendary jazz pianist who accompanied her breathy version of “Happy Birthday,” died on Sunday in New York at the age of 91. JFK and Marilyn Monroe didn’t make it nearly that long — she was found dead less than three months later, and his head was blown apart by assassins the following year. Read more on The Night Marilyn Monroe Sang ‘Happy Birthday’ To JFK…
  sexytime

POLITICO, Jonas Brothers To Get Gay-Married?

Oh ho ho! We won’t ask for details. What are the details, though?? Did the Jonas Brothers get access to Mike Allen’s top secret masturbatorium and underground network of slave-operated Sugar Caves? [Twitter] Read more on POLITICO, Jonas Brothers To Get Gay-Married?…
  sexytime

Victory Party To-Nite, Obama Bringing Limo Full of Nurses/Hookers & Blow

The Wonkette news-room is On Assignment, with Jim Newell and Liz Glover on Capitol Hill just cold getting drunk and taking videos and photographs. We will post these once we have them. Meanwhile, the House is about to vote on the Slaughterhouse Five rule, which requires every fifth Republican representative to “have an abortion,” on CSPAN. Read more on Victory Party To-Nite, Obama Bringing Limo Full of Nurses/Hookers & Blow…
  sexytime

California Hardcore Anti-Gay Rights GOP State Senator Caught… (Finish Yourself)

California State Sen. Roy Ashburn, a major family values, anti-gay Republican father of four, also likes to FUCK MEN IN THE ASS. He was pulled over and given a DUI the other night while returning from a Sacramento gay nightclub. Riding in the car with him was another man whom Ashburn was going to rail and slam and draw rainbows on and poop all over. [CBS 13] Read more on California Hardcore Anti-Gay Rights GOP State Senator Caught… (Finish Yourself)…
  sexytime

BILL CLINTON SAVES LADIES FROM NORTH KOREA: Uhh, hooray! In a “private mission” rife with secret diplomatic motives and back-door conversations with the U.S. government, Bill Clinton hopped on a jetplane to North Korea, talked up Kim Jong Il for a while, probably offered him exclusive bidding rights to various natural resource contracts in autocratic third-world countries, and won the release of those two American journalists who had been sentenced to HARD LABOR back in March. Okay, Bill Clinton! [CNN] Read more on …
  sexytime

Website That Obviously Exists Does Exist

*Cracks knuckles* TIME FOR THE POST OF THE CENTU– eh, nevermind, too mean. Just thought you all should be aware that the Proverbial Website has been discovered. Right now it’s mostly just a few… dudes… but down the road, its membership should easily surpass Hannidate’s. [Ron Paul Singles] Read more on Website That Obviously Exists Does Exist…
  sexytime

JOHN ‘NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2′ ENSIGN ADMITS SEX AFFAIR: Jesus, so much to post… this idiot, Republican Sen. John Ensign of Nevada, has admitted to having a sex affair with a female campaign staffer, in 2007 and 2008. Some aide in Ensign’s office outed the boss, whoops. So until we know more, *ahem*… PICS PLZ? [The Fix, AP] Read more on …
  sexytime

Everyone In DC To Die Of Pig Flu, Too

Here’s Joe Biden this morning telling us all that we’re going to die if we travel in confined spaces (2:35 in). Hooray! And better yet, the swine flu has finally “come home” to our nation’s capital, Washington, after some slob at the World Bank (*shakes fist at World Bank*) went to Mexico, fucked a pig, and came back to our fairest city with this Pig AIDS. So hey people in DC, liquidate yr bank accounts and buy booze and we’ll hold a big orgy on the Mall tonight before we all die tomorrow. On the upside, this will fix the economy! The death of all humans, that is. [AP] Read more on Everyone In DC To Die Of Pig Flu, Too…
  sexytime

Chuck Grassley Jokes About Having Sex With Kent Conrad’s Wife, Who Enjoyed It

The Senate, for those unfamiliar with the august body, is sort of like the US version of the House of Lords; and like the House of Lords it is populated with harelipped dauphins who make ribald jokes with each other between bouts of pleurisy, gout, and cavorting with fast women, such as each other’s spouses. After the jump: the Iowa Republican totally pwns the North Dakota Democrat, who is unable to pleasure his wife. Read more on Chuck Grassley Jokes About Having Sex With Kent Conrad’s Wife, Who Enjoyed It…
  sexytime

Exclusive: Cantor, ‘Democrats’ Attend Britney Spears Concert During Obama Presser

And you all thought Washington wasn’t sexy: the office of ambitious young House Republican Whip Eric Cantor has confirmed to your Wonkette that instead of watching President Obama’s boring press conference last night like the rest of us dingbats, Cantor and a bipartisan group of legislators attended the Show Of The Century at downtown’s Verizon Center: a Britney Spears concert. If our children weren’t so concerned about future deficits, what would they think of this! Read more on Exclusive: Cantor, ‘Democrats’ Attend Britney Spears Concert During Obama Presser…
  sexytime

Erotic Art Show to Officially, Finally Get DC Laid

MOCA DC, a small nonprofit gallery near the canal in Georgetown, prides itself on showing under-represented artwork. But its Erotica exhibit opening tonight is probably not the kind of material lacking for a market. It kicks off with a live photoshoot of a Playboy model, and marches on bravely from there. Read more on Erotic Art Show to Officially, Finally Get DC Laid…
  sexytime

JOE BIDEN AND HIS WIFE ARE IMMORAL FORNICATORS

Important online newspaper The Huffington Post has put up a crucial gallery of Joe Biden and his wife, “Teresa Heinz,” kissing on Inauguration night — a veritable metaphorical TRASHING of the office in which Biden serves. Can Joe Biden escape this latest gaffe of kissing his wife in public? [HuffPo] Read more on JOE BIDEN AND HIS WIFE ARE IMMORAL FORNICATORS…
  sexytime

Send Us Your Inaugural Ball Photos!

OMG we just had so much fun, right, at Wonkette’s Inaugural Ball last night. Just soooooooooo much fun. Packed, it was! Now, between (a) your associate editor’s lack of a camera and (b) your associate editor’s hour-long absence from the party after the kegs ran out at midnight, when he and Liz drove to HYATTSVILLE, MARYLAND to locate more alcohol (unsuccessful, although there was liquor in abundance when when we returned, somehow, hooray)… your associate editor doesn’t have enough photos. Please send yr sexy party pixxx to tips@wonkette.com, subject line “MOAR,” and we’ll do a longer picture post tomorrowish. Thanks to everyone who came! Read more on Send Us Your Inaugural Ball Photos!…
  sexytime

Liberals All Boned After Obama Win

Every terrible oversexed gay hedonist dildo-slave recreational-abortionist Democrat in America had sex with every other Democrat in America on Tuesday night in order to celebrate the election of our emperor-clown, Barack Obama. Apparently this is common behavior among humans, this “having sex for fun” thing. Humans also do it when they are sad, or happy, or bored, or want to “change the topic of conversation.” Read more on Liberals All Boned After Obama Win…