Here is what we know about John Ensign: he was schtupping his buddy’s wife for six months or so until they got caught, at which point Ensign begged his old parents to give his buddy $96,000 in hush money (that worked out in the end!), which they did, spread across eight $12,000 checks to various family members so the sum wouldn’t have to be declared as taxable income. He shouldn’t be forced to resign. It’s better this way, to see him roaming around the desert, giving interviews, meekly trying to hedge his failures, shaming himself, and coming across like a dingbat fraud, which he is: “Ensign told The Associated Press that he didn’t lie under oath like Clinton did and that he hasn’t ‘done anything legally wrong.’” Indeed, this would make a fine re-election campaign slogan. [AP, Las Vegas Gleaner]

The Washington Post has comical new details about the infamous, state-funded June, 2008 meetings South Carolina Sex Governor Mark Sanford set up in South America, to discuss TRADE, with potential “trading partners,” for whatever it is South Carolina produces. (Indigo.) Apparently his trip planners gave word to South American officials that maybe they didn’t really need to meet after all, when he gets down there, and sorry, he cannot go kill doves in the forest for several days, so so sorry, he just has to “make some calls” in Buenos Aires. MORE »

Lindsey Graham, third puzzle piece, along with Joe Lieberman and John McCain, of the Senate’s most bromantic Warring Loser Triumvirate, has come out to defend his good pal and homewrecker John Ensign, of sex affair fame. Graham considers Ensign’s sexings a personal matter on which he should keep his mouth shut, because, well, hehehe… we’ve all got shit on us, don’t we now? MORE »

Right now we’re seeing about… one? two? Two more days of caring about this John Ensign sex affair, tops. First of all, it was with a woman, presumably of age. Did this guy forget what party he’s in? Second, when he had the affair, he was separated from his wife. That’s just a sledgehammer to the comedic possibilities here. Does that even count as “cheating?” Maybe some of you married fools can explain. The only good part of this scandal is that this lady was married to another campaign staffer of his. But without PIX… well maybe we will never write about this scandal again. Back to IRANIAN TWITTER we go… [YouTube]

John McCain’s sexytime lobbyist friend, Vicki Iseman, has dropped her $27 million suit against the New York Times over a story last year which implied-but-not-really that she and WALNUTS! used to fuck all the time. Times Washington bureau chief Dean Baquet e-mailed the news to his staff in a rather pissy memo: “Vicki Iseman has dropped her lawsuit against The Times, just weeks after it was filed. We paid no money. We did not apologize. We did not retract one word of the story, which was a compelling chapter in the tale of Senator John McCain and his political rise.” If that clown lady has a problem, she can go suck an egg. [Michael Calderone]

• PLANET OF RETARDS: “LONDON, England (CNN) — A British couple who married in a lavish Second Life wedding ceremony are to divorce after one of them had an alleged ‘affair’ in the online world. …Taylor said she had caught Pollard’s avatar having sex with a virtual prostitute: ‘I looked at the computer screen and could see his character having sex with a female character. It’s cheating as far as I’m concerned.’” [CNN]

DID JOHN EDWARDS HAVE MORE SEX WITH LADIES?: Intrepid blog reporter Choire Sicha hears that a New York Times Metro reporter is digging into “a story about John Edwards and a Duke graduate.” We are Ethical and don’t want to spread scurrilous rumors, but maybe John Edwards has been fucking a Duke graduate? Maybe John Edwards has been fucking seven Duke graduates and had like 20 babies with each of them, who knows, there must be more information out there. [Radar]

We’re having trouble getting into this latest iteration of the John Edwards/Rielle Hunter/Love Child story, probably because, um, who gives a shit about this loser or his bastard? For what it’s worth, however, he offered a curt denial today in Houston, where he was talking to a low-income housing aid organization: “That’s tabloid trash… They’re full of lies. I’m here to talk about helping people.” Oh ho ho, so now Mr. Altruism over here thinks that helping poor people is more important than his ubiquitous boner, hmm? [Houston Press]

Sweet criminy, did Juan McCain send out a hot e-mail this morning or what: “It’s pretty obvious that the media has a bizarre fascination with Barack Obama. Some may even say it’s a love affair. We want you to be the judge. We’ve compiled two videos of the more outrageous moments of this not so secret love affair.” Indeed, it’s very similar to the “secret love affairs” that John McCain had during his first marriage, and more recently too, and also with the media. MORE »

Ohio Attorney General Marc “Hawaiian Pizza” Dann, whose admission of a sex affair with a young staffer last week was the latest in a series of inappropriate Dann sex stories, is under pressure to step down. A lot of pressure. You know how much pressure? This much: “All statewide Democratic elected officials and legislative leaders are calling on embattled Attorney General Marc Dann to resign from office.” And he’s a Democrat too! Dann has heard their calls, and he has responded “No I ain’t goin’ nowhere, lamebots.” MORE »

Marc Dann, the attorney general of Ohio whose recent involvement in what Ohioans are calling “Pajamagate” — but what we earlier dubbed “Hawaiian Pizza ‘n’ Penis Sex Carnivalgate” — has admitted to having a sex affair with his scheduler, Jessica Utovich, pictured here. Hmmm… eh? MORE »