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Posts Tagged ‘rumors on the internets’

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RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Science: ‘Massaging Your Scalp With Cigarette Ash’ Might Be Ill-Advised

Tuesday, February 9th, 2010
  • Aww, Jim Inhofe’s grandchildren built Al Gore a spacious snow cavern to live in! How did they know Al’s fursona was a “homeless but sensitive polar bear?” [Think Progress]
  • Looks like it’s going to be another lonely, miserable Valentine’s Day, huh? Hey, why not fingerbang a heavily-discounted Newt Gingrich paperback from the NRO bookstore instead? Ships with a bottle of Newt’s famous pheromone cologne so you can set the mood! [The Corner]
  • “How many Americans will die because of Barack Obama’s handling of national security?” Hopefully enough in time for the 2012 elections! [RedState]
  • Obama’s “the only good terrorist is a dead terrorist” policy is in direct conflict with Rumsfeld’s way better “keep that terrorist alive so we can tickle him with a power drill” doctrine. [Matt Yglesias]
  • Bad news for feral Hill interns who snack on cigarette butts and other special treasures they find on the Mall: You are exposing yourself to third-hand smoke. [Gateway Pundit]

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Posted in Wonkette | 33 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

America Asks For Thousands Of ‘Cyber Warriors,’ Thousands Of Basement-Dwellers Heed The Call

Thursday, February 4th, 2010
  • Clarence Thomas skipped the State of the Union so he could sit on his sofa and soak his feet in a bucket of “self-loathing black man.” [Weekly Standard]
  • Most Improved Wino Nancy Pelosi spent 100,000 smackaroos (USD) on vodka nips and airplane pretzels. [RedState]
  • We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, and we shall fight on the Moon. We will fight on the internets, also. [The Caucus]
  • Two old timers on the Supreme Court will be violently assassinated by Obama’s Sandinista lawyers! K-Lo fears for you, Alito! [The Corner]
  • Why won’t Sarah Palin ask Rush Limbaugh to host a retard summit? [Think Progress]

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Posted in Wonkette | 45 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Ayn Rand: As Dead As Ever, And Maybe More Boring Too!

Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010
  • Happy 105th birthday, Ayn Rand! If you were still alive, millions of Objectivists wouldn’t have to fantasize about having frantic, sweaty intercourse with your dead corpse. [Hit & Run]
  • Matthew turns up the sass! Look at him go! [Matt Yglesias]
  • Take your hot date to the new romantic comedy starring Hugh Grant, his health care, and some poor woman with lupus who is forced to marry Hugh Grant because she needs his health care. [Think Progress]
  • Jonah Goldberg is only 805 Twitter followers away from leveling up to a “Level 14 Twatter.” [The Corner]
  • The Super Bowl will feature “ads with scantily clad women and misogynistic men engaged in onscreen sexual perversion and debauchery akin to dogs in heat.” Where did Erick learn to write such delicious erotica? [RedState]

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Posted in Wonkette | 42 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

‘Another Reason’ Prison Will Not Be Kind To James O’Keefe

Thursday, January 28th, 2010
  • Gordon Liddy Youth member James O’Keefe, also an enormous nerd, will probably be denied his constitutional right to play Dungeons & Dragons in prison! Your move, ACLU. [Matt Yglesias]
  • Here is your chance to defend Erick Erickson from terrible name-calling (”Coulteresque”) and racist slurs (”tribe”). [RedState]
  • Barack Obama has a chin, just like Mussolini! REVELATORY. [The Corner]
  • Why won’t climate change conspiracy theorists “get their tea bag on” for John Kerry? [Think Progress]
  • The Joint Chiefs of Staff are homophobic zombie automatons, unless you mention the possibility of the U.S. skull-fuckin’ the snot out of Iran. Such a possibility makes Admiral Mullen leap about like an antelope. [AMERICAblog]

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Posted in Wonkette | 36 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Republican Brita Filter Unable To Purify Dirty Scott Brown

Tuesday, January 26th, 2010
  • Next election, Joe Lieberman will run as a “good old-fashioned New England PLEASE RE-ELECT ME?” [Think Progress]
  • Is Scott Brown “pure” enough to be a member of the Republican Party, the blue-blooded Teutons of American Values? Well, just for starters, his presumed heterosexualness hints at “nope.” [The Caucus]
  • Barack Obama (or something) told Andrew Sullivan he could finally import honey-baked haggis without fear of persecution. Totally Falsch! And another broken campaign promise. [The Daily Dish]
  • The internets has been overtaken by male enhancement pill banditos. [Hit & Run]
  • Fox News is the #1 sitcom in America, mostly because teevee viewers loved the episode when Barack Obama lost the Massachusetts presidential elections. [Daily Intel]

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Posted in Wonkette | 8 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Why Won’t John Edwards Ease The Suffering Of Goldman Sachs?

Thursday, January 21st, 2010
  • Jets fans are second-class citizens in Obama’s tyrannical One World Nation. [Hit & Run]
  • Goldman Sachs made a disappointing five billion dollars in the fourth quarter. That’s what, maybe 20,000,000 eight balls? Heart-wrenching. [Daily Intel]
  • JESUS WEEPS: Sarah Palin is officially a 100% USDA certified organic RINO! [Hot Air]
  • The Sandinistas at the ACLU have filed a Freedom of Information Act requesting information pertaining to Predator drones (i.e. how many millions of American lives they’ve saved). This is what Communists do when they think something is unconstitutional but can’t prove it. [The Corner]
  • Barack Obama campaigned for Martha Coakley, which is why Martha Coakley got spanked so thoroughly. Now Barack Obama wants to campaign for Harry Reid. Ergo, Barack Obama must hate Harry Reid a lot. © 2010 Redstate, Inc., All Rights Reserved. [RedState]

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Posted in Wonkette | 18 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Matt Taibbi Gets Angry, Thrills The Internets

Wednesday, January 20th, 2010
  • From the unfortunate musings of wingnut cartoon land: Keith Olbermann has no choice but to reluctantly gobble up Scott Hardbody’s warm, brown, salty tea bags. [RedState]
  • Introducing: The White Basketball League! It’s like the NBA but without a Negro dialect. [Think Progress]
  • The press are lining up for a chance to have their boobies autographed by the now-legitimate Tea Party Movement. [Weekly Standard]
  • Hell hath no fury like Matt Taibbi pooping all over David Brooks. [True/Slant: Matt Taibbi]
  • Michelle Malkin pretends to loathe the sexy new iPhone app that lets you Skype-sex with Barack Obama at the simple press of a button. [Michelle Malkin]

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Posted in Wonkette | 39 Comments »

IF YOU LIVE IN MASSACHUSETTS GO VOTE RIGHT NOW DUH

Hey Here’s A Bunch Of Links About Massachusetts!

Tuesday, January 19th, 2010
  • Aww, Michael Steele and his minions weren’t allowed to do stuff in Massachusetts. So Michael Steele is just pretending that he is a secret agent pulling the strings behind closed doors. This should keep him distracted for another few hours. [Politico]
  • HEY, HARVARD COMMIES: If you go to vote for the robot lady, but Scott Brown’s already been filled in on your ballot, ask for a new ballot. Don’t try to be a hero. Stupid Harvard. [The Plum Line]
  • More Michael Steele! He said this today: “You’re mixing an apple and orange here.” Context is for squares. [CBS]
  • Martha Coakley’s sucking has officially given Barack Obama a sad. [WSJ]
  • Talking Points Memo is harassing some old people with those kinds of questions they always ask: “We’ve been talking to the Senate historian, Massachusetts secretary of state’s office, and others who are in the know trying to figure out when and under what circumstances…” Eh, bored. [TPM]
  • The naked motherfucker is riding around in his truck. [WSJ]
  • Lawyers, everywhere. Just cold preppin’ for an extended legal battle. [ABC News]

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Posted in Wonkette | 41 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

The Grand Old Party Out-Twats The Dems Again!

Thursday, January 14th, 2010
  • Haitian refugees are being imprisoned at Guantanamo, because Bagram is obviously a bit out of the way. [Think Progress]
  • Once again, Newt Gingrich is caught felching about the 2012 presidential elections. [AMERICAblog]
  • Armageddon’s arrival has been delayed by one minute. Please be patient. [Hit & Run]
  • The GOP has defeated the Democrats at Twitter. Truly, they are King of the Twat. [Weekly Standard]
  • Also: the libruls have abandoned Net Neutrality, leaving it defenseless and quite vulnerable! But will RedState be able to murder Net Neutrality, all by themselves, using only their Twitter machines? [RedState]

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Posted in Wonkette | 23 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Today Marks The Day Rush Limbaugh Squirmed Out Of Mrs. Limbaugh, And Into Our Hearts And Minds

Tuesday, January 12th, 2010
  • David Rees knows that you tentatively plan on touching yourself every time you see Sarah Palin on Fox News. David Rees, always judging! [True/Slant: David Rees]
  • Do not even think about inviting Roger Ailes to your kegger, unless you want to get punched in the dick, as is his wont. [The Plank]
  • The majority of law school graduates will never enter law/pay off their student loans, and as such, most experts agree they should be harvested for their tender meat. [Matt Yglesias]
  • HAPPY BIRTHDAY RUSH LIMBAUGH! Tonight we snort our Oxycontin in honor of you. [RedState]
  • Lou Dobbs stars as himself in the critically-acclaimed The Last Birther. [Think Progress]

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Posted in Wonkette | 36 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Have You RSVP’d Yet To The Hudson River Airplane Miracle Reunion?

Thursday, January 7th, 2010
  • Erick Erickson says Al Qaeda says Barack Obama doesn’t know what he is saying, so to speak. [RedState]
  • If global warming is real, wouldn’t Florida basically be on fire? But right now it’s like the total opposite! This fact alone warrants a Drudge Q.E.D. [Gateway Pundit]
  • Not even Michael Steele can stop the burgeoning tide of Conservatism from ravishing the country with 1,000 more years of Reaganism. [Weekly Standard]
  • Growing up in Dickensian England, George Orwell scavenged for stale bread crumbs to supplement his daily ration of boarding school bone pudding. This is probably why George Orwell disliked other humans. [Hit & Run]
  • Some sort of terrible Flight 1549 Bohemian Grove will take place at the bottom of the Hudson River next week. Composure, Alex Jones! Composure. [The Daily Intel]

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Posted in Wonkette | 27 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

The South Will Rise Again, Once Lindsey Graham Goes Away

Tuesday, January 5th, 2010
  • This whiff of Hot Air taint is titled, “Actually, you can beat sense into your kids.” And it is a present, just for you! [Hot Air]
  • Lindsey Graham is censured, again, for cooperating with the treasonous Yankee libruls. [The Caucus]
  • Some constructive criticism for the next panties-bomber! [The Daily Dish]
  • Today’s Photoshop tutorial: How not to superimpose Barack Obama’s head onto an aged stock photo of Herbert Hoover. [The New Republic]
  • Joan Rivers is on the no-fly list. Which means she must stay in Costa Rica forever. We are saved! [The Daily Intel]

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Posted in Wonkette | 33 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Will 2010 Be Moist Enough For Jonah Goldberg?

Monday, January 4th, 2010
  • It is now fairly evident that “giving up paint-huffing” was not Erick Erickson’s New Year’s resolution. [RedState]
  • The libertarians seized power while you were foolishly slumbering with visions of sugar-plums dancing in your head. And now there is no sugar-plum tax? [Hit & Run]
  • Finally, a documentary about black people oppressing white people. Very timely, of course, and mercy, it’s also been nominated for an Oscar! [Weekly Standard]
  • Moist Towelettes: Wanted And Desired. By Jonah Goldberg. [The Corner]
  • A New Year with new gun-slingin’, tea baggin’ “don’t tread on me” bonanzas! [Think Progress]
  • Oh look, Michelle Malkin has published The Best Hate Mail of 2009 A.D., so that we can cherish it forever. Did your hate mail make the cut? [Michelle Malkin]

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Posted in Wonkette | 27 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Traditional Ramadan Decorations Make A Mockery Of White House Christmas Tree

Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009
  • Newt Gingrich predicts Michele Bachmann will soon chair the House Committee on Un-American Activities. Sure Newt, you cumsucker. We’re tired of your empty promises! [Think Progress]
  • The ‘True’ Person of The Year 2009: obviously YOU, THE COURAGEOUS TEABAGGER! [RedState]
  • The FAA is staffed by a bunch of disingenuous winos. [Hit & Run]
  • China hacks the dickens out of Matt Yglesias in 3,2,1… [Matt Yglesias]
  • The White House Christmas Sapling is basically covered from top to stump in “Mao balls” and “transvestites.” [Gateway Pundit]

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Posted in Wonkette | 19 Comments »

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