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  rumors on the internets

Everybody Is Going Out To McDonald’s Except Mitt Romney

Happy Friday, everyone! Isn’t it great when we as Americans are friends with gay people and immigrants and Saudi Arabia? We should throw a party and all hang out together! But shhh don’t invite Mitt. He’s too busy giving speeches in Michigan. Also, he’s lame. Read more on Everybody Is Going Out To McDonald’s Except Mitt Romney…
  rumors on the internets

Women Don’t Need 3,054 Languages To Call Men Hypocrites

Can women have it all? Not yet! At least, not until I get an Iron Man suit — sorry, Iron Woman. [The Atlantic] Are liberals hypocrites about national security?! How dare you, Salon! That’s so mean! Anyway, probably. I mean, liberal Hollywood’s movie Iron Man is about an arms dealer who forgoes making weapons — to turn himself into the ultimate weapon. [Salon] Read more on Women Don’t Need 3,054 Languages To Call Men Hypocrites… Read more on Women Don’t Need 3,054 Languages To Call Men Hypocrites…
  rumors on the internets

The GOP Is Throwing Sticks and Stones At The President

Make beautiful music with today’s news! Or steal it, you jerky jerkface. The GOP is encouraging people to hurl “vulgarities” at the President. We at Wonkette know none of you commenters would stoop that low! You’re all a bunch of saints, really. [Washington Post] Read more on The GOP Is Throwing Sticks and Stones At The President…
  rumors on the internets

Romney Advocates For Bees Learning the Kazakhstan Anthem

Good news, everyone! No, just kidding, it’s not. Can you tell the difference between ads and advocacy? Usually, it’s that one of them demands money and the other asks for it. But the line is blurring, which means basically that the ads are demanding you ask if you should give them money. [NPR] Read more on Romney Advocates For Bees Learning the Kazakhstan Anthem…
  rumors on the internets

Your American Dreams Are A Virus Against America

Do you have dreams, Wonkette commenters? I totally had one the other night about–wait, you want news? Oh, fine. Turns out Kickstarter is even worse than we thought! According to this article, it is destroying the economy because everyone is following their dreams. Yes, really. [Slate] Read more on Your American Dreams Are A Virus Against America…
  rumors on the internets

The President’s Famous And Farming Is Hot

It’s Friday! Lounge in some articles about presidential legacies, lazy candidates, and a changing farming industry. Here’s an article about why presidents shouldn’t be concerned about how they will look when they go down in history. We’re pretty sure the main thing history is going to remember about President Obama is he was the first black president to love gay people! That is, until another one of those comes along and we remember he signed off on the “indefinite detention” act. [The Atlantic] Read more on The President’s Famous And Farming Is Hot…
  rumors on the internets

Celebrities Destroying America, According to Television

According to the news today, the GOP hates celebrities, hates television, and hates words. St. Ronald Reagan would be so ashamed. The GOP doesn’t like it when Obama uses celebrities like Sarah Jessica Parker or Anna Wintour in his campaign, but they all fall over themselves over Donald Trump! See, the real problem is that no one cares about these celebrities anyway. Well, okay. Maybe Carrie Bradshaw, but you know people who watch a TV show about women in New York are a bunch of Obama-lovers anyway. [The Daily Beast] Read more on Celebrities Destroying America, According to Television…
  rumors on the internets

Mitt Can’t Go Home Again

Mitt Romney is giving up on his roots, the Swedes are embarrassed, and “.pizza” is available as a domain name! It’s a trippy day all around, folks. Mitt Romney is forsaking his home states Michigan, Massachusetts, and California, because he knows he can’t win in them. He becomes the first ever presidential candidate to do so. Congrats, Mitt! [The Daily Beast] Read more on Mitt Can’t Go Home Again…
  rumors on the internets

Insert Watergate Headline Here

Good Monday! In the news today, Republican battles to not be involved in Mitt Romney’s campaign at all intensify, “Tricky Dick” had a mortifying nickname for a reason, and the Supreme Court wants you to stop telling them how fat they look in their robes. Read more on Insert Watergate Headline Here…
  rumors on the internets

China Didn’t Want Those Dumb American Jobs Anyway

Your morning news: this time with a main dish of weird news that Americans have finally begun stealing jobs back from China, a side of old news (yeah, yeah, Bush is annoying) and a dessert of future news (everyone’s going to be on Facebook soon!). Read more on China Didn’t Want Those Dumb American Jobs Anyway…
  rumors on the internets

Get Ready To Get Down At Some Gay Weddings At Mitt Romney’s House!

This Thursday, Mitt Romney’s unlikable, Bill Clinton’s talking some awkward talk, and Barack Obama is making money. This is news? Unlike Bill Clinton, Mitt Romney is a terrible neighbor. Somehow he is gentrifying his already rich neighborhood and alienating his gay neighbors. He clearly needs to throw a huge, weird party with celebrities and funny people and fun drugs, like truffle oil! So basically, the presidential campaign equivalent of a White House Correspondents’ Dinner. [The New York Times] Read more on Get Ready To Get Down At Some Gay Weddings At Mitt Romney’s House!…
  rumors on the internets

Maybe Dan Brown Had A Point

Today, we find out how many gay people there are while the Vatican works miracles in book selling (not that book!), and a new sport everyone can do but a new reality show almost no can join. Hmmm…. Read more on Maybe Dan Brown Had A Point…
  rumors on the internets

Good Morning, The Future Is Here!

Welcome, Wonkette readers! Racism is in the past, the CDC is promising there are no zombies, and we’re building weapons to fight aliens! Aren’t you glad the past is over? According to Pew, difference in political opinions is what most divides Americans, rather than race or class. At first, this sounds amazing, because hello? Hooray for being judged based on the content of our character rather than color of our skin (and make of our car)! But the numbers basically say, “We are not getting anything done any time soon.” [Washington Post] Read more on Good Morning, The Future Is Here!…
  rumors on the internets

Americans Are Becoming Facebook-Addicted Europeans

This morning, let’s learn about how food is turning robotic, Facebook is turning us into addicts, and the economy is turning us European. I’m pretty sure exactly none of those things would make sense a hundred years ago. Read more on Americans Are Becoming Facebook-Addicted Europeans…
  rumors on the internets

Delete That Crotch Shot Before You Get Famous

This morning, let’s play some games on egalitarianism, read up on libertarian symbols such as soda, and learn how to tweet. Happy Friday! Mayor Bloomberg wants to take away New Yorkers’ giant sodas — nothing over 16 oz. It’s already too late, man, we’re never all going to fit into the N train, no matter what you do. [The Daily Beast] Read more on Delete That Crotch Shot Before You Get Famous…