UPDATE: Really, a guy with his business covered by a big old towel is “not safe for work” now? WE THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA, etc., but if a nation’s few remaining employed people can’t practice their love on a front-page semi-nekkid Levi Johnston, we will hide the snausage after the jump. NOW BACK TO THE POST: Sarah Palin’s favorite “porn thing” website, Playgirl.com, keeps leaking these pictures of Levi Johnston, teen sex model. Why did Sarah Palin let a known gay-pornography star take the towel off his ding-dong and stick said ding-dong into Sarah Palin’s daughter? This is the biggest political story of all time, forever. MORE »

Blake Hall, National Committeeman of the Idaho Republican Party, is now down one (1) National Committeemanship of the Idaho Republican Party and nineteen (19) used condoms. See, ten different times—like, on ten different days—Hall flung his lurid semen-filled condoms on his ex-girlfriend’s lawn, whom he stalked and stalked and stalked for like half a year. Quoth the poor lady whose lawn was unwillingly re-purposed for the flourishing cum crop: “I was so tired of being victimized. It is unimaginable that a 56-year-old would be so deviant.” MORE »

• MEET YOUR 2010 CANDIDATES: “HALLANDALE BEACH, Fla. — A GOP candidate in South Florida says it was a mistake to shoot at a target with a Democratic congresswoman’s initials … Robert Lowry, a Republican vying to replace Democratic U.S. Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz, fired at a full-body silhouette with her initials written next to its head.” It was a joke! [AP]

What new, innovative methods are there to be a Republican candidate — a REAL MERKN R’pubkin — nowadays? The base expects you to be just like them. This dude has an idea: “[Dave] Westlake is the Republican challenger to Democratic incumbent Russ Feingold of Wisconsin. Westlake says he’ll be wearing his bright orange hunting gear to every campaign appearance leading up to the 2010 election.” Then he’ll wear it in the Senate, just as a “fuck you” to, uh, spending. [AP]

Buried somewhere in the middle of the thick “Republicans + E-mail = Racist Anti-Obama Stuff” file is the July case of Dr. David McKalip, the Florida neurosurgeon caught circulating this objectively racist witch doctor image of Barack Obama. McKalip was a major “Tea Party E-mail List Guy” and an active player in the American Medical Association, but after being so racist he announced he would keep a lower profile in the anti-reform movement — even though “the image has nothing to do with my feelings or thoughts on any race or culture.” How’s that working out for him? Oh, he’s just traveling the country to speak at rallies and meet with Republican congressmen. MORE »

Things are getting so out-of-hand that the forecasters at “Team Romney” are having to step in and act like adults: “There are cooler heads: Former Mitt Romney spokesman Kevin Madden passed along some entirely unheeded advice from another Republican strategist, Scott Stanzel: ‘Note to GOP officials/consultants - resist temptation to pile on about Chicago losing just becuz Obama made the pitch.’” MORE »

Time is running out but there is enough time—but like barely though—to fill you in on what you need to know on a need-to-know basis: The House Republicans have formed a committee. It is called the “GOP ACORN Rapid Response Committee” or “GOPACORNRRCmte,” although it probably has a secret code name. There’s no time to speculate about what the secret code name may be. Its members include the crucial Representatives Patrick McHenry, Darrell Issa, and Michele Bachmann. The aims of said committee include: MORE »

Dimpled fascist Rick Santorum basically committed himself to running for the President of Republicans, in 2012! At least, this is what he told a bunch of Catholic leaders at the Catholic Leadership conference, which was held somewhere over the weekend at some point. Your Wonkette guessed as much was true when back in August Santorum said he was going to be in Iowa in October. Anyway, Santorum famously could not even manage to get elected to a third Senate term back when he was Pennsylvania’s two-term Senator. Considering how big of an obvious failure he is, he is still pretty confident about WINNING THE PRESIDENCY, which is what counts! “Six months ago I would not have spent ten seconds on your question, but it’s not six months ago. I see that, I hate to be calculating, but I see that 2012 is not just throwing somebody out to be eaten, but it’s a real opportunity for success.” [LifeSiteNews (which is somehow not a website for pornography?) via Ben Smith]

Here is insane Florida death-monster Jim Greer, the famous state Republican party chair who last week shouted these important words, at America: “The idea that school children across our nation will be forced to watch the President justify his plans for government-run care, banks, and automobile companies, increasing taxes on those who create jobs, and racking up more debt than any other President, is not only infuriating, but goes against beliefs of the majority of Americans, while bypassing American parents through an invasive abuse of power.” But then he read the speech and… and… and it was okay BUT NOT WHAT OBAMA ORIGINALLY WANTED TO TELL THE YOUNGS, which was probably “Free cocksucking for all.” MORE »

Mark Sanford has admitted to a lot of sketchy behavior and pretty much constant lies about everything, and he is a weeping emo douche, but there’s one thing Mark Sanford wants you to know: HE DID NOT START THE RUMOR THAT HIS HATED RIVAL, LT. GOV. ANDRE BAUER, IS A BIG FAG. Somebody else must’ve done that. Still, “Andre Bauer” is such a gay name we don’t really need Mark Sanford to clue in the blogs, about that. [Palmetto Scoop]

The race to fill Ted Kennedy’s ample seat in the Senate is heating up like a corpse in the summer tide! (Sorry, Denby.) Curt Schilling, world champion quarterback for Boston’s “Mighty Ducks,” loves George W. Bush and jacking off in bloodstained sock, so he is qualified to be the Republican candidate. Schilling, heir to his family’s spice fortune, joins a crowded Republican field that includes former Lieutenant Governor Kerry Healey and pretty much nobody else. MORE »