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Joe ‘You Lie’ Wilson’s Wife Also Has Talent for Screaming Outbursts

The weather outlook for South Carolina politics is “veritable shitstorm” for the next month or so owing to the hilarious-tragic inability of either major party to follow state election commission filing rules for candidates, which led the South Carolina Supreme Court last week to issue a monstrous “F” in reading comprehension to 180 candidates who failed to submit hard copies of ethics disclosure forms on time and now cannot appear on the June primary ballot. Legislators from the state Senate Judiciary Committee and party leaders are currently working on different ways to address the situation, but Joe ‘You Lie’ Wilson’s wife, Roxanne, has also helpfully stepped in to make the usual Wilson family contribution to any weighty political moment: SCREAMS. UPDATE NOW WITH VIDEO BELOW! Read more on Joe ‘You Lie’ Wilson’s Wife Also Has Talent for Screaming Outbursts…
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Nikki Haley Has Best-Ever Legal Defense Strategy Against Ethics Probe

South Carolina’s dingbat governor Nikki Haley, famous chiefly for being the only human ever rumored to make hot forbidden love with a political blogger, has lately been in trouble for allegedly making hot forbidden legislative favors for her health company employer while she was still a state representative and doing “secret consulting work,” which sounds roughly as hot as secret blogger sex. Here is why Nikki Haley’s lawyer would like the House ethics panel to rule in her favor: “To find otherwise would not only impugn the integrity of many other members of the General Assembly, but also that of many of South Carolina’s best corporate partners: BlueCross BlueShield of South Carolina, Michelin, AT&T, Time Warner Cable, and several others.” We believe the usual lawyerly defense goes more along the lines of “no wrongdoing took place,” but sure, “everybody else does it, too” sounds great. So how does the panel rule? Read more on Nikki Haley Has Best-Ever Legal Defense Strategy Against Ethics Probe…
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Conservative Think Tank Apologizes For Posting Image of Obama Eating KFC In Sex Chains

John Hood, president of the conservative North Carolina-based John Locke Foundation, has apologized for a very special graphic that one of his bloggers, “Hot Talk WRNN co-host Tara Servatius,” included in her post for the think tank’s blog this week. What is the controversy? All it did was show “President Obama in chains and drag with a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.” What is the controversy? Everyone loves Kentucky Fried Chicken! And look, Tara Servatius says she “didn’t think about the racial implications of the picture when I posted it. I simply don’t think in those terms.” She’s a fun one. Read more on Conservative Think Tank Apologizes For Posting Image of Obama Eating KFC In Sex Chains…
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‘Single Parents Are Kid Abusers’ WI Senator Not Done Saying Insane Stuff

It is International Women’s Day! Oh women, do they really need another whole day about themselves when there is already Valentine’s Day? No matter, GOP Wisconsin state Senator Glenn Grothman, the legislator who recently brought us a bill to declare single parents a pack of child abusers, would like to contribute something on this occasion, seeing as how Grothman is a leading expert on how women think. Just check out this little bit of cutting insight he just let fly in an interview, the big show-off: “I think a lot of women are adopting the single motherhood lifestyle because the government creates a situation in which it is almost preferred.” BAM. Grothman is so much of an expert on women that he is basically an honorary woman, a really awesome woman, a superwoman, or a bunch of women added together, a man, even. What else can you tell us about women, Grothman? Are they perhaps psychopaths who lie pathologically, all of them, about accidental pregnancy as part of a sinister plot to convince society that women weren’t just trying to get pregnant that whole time, sweartogod? Read more on ‘Single Parents Are Kid Abusers’ WI Senator Not Done Saying Insane Stuff…
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Paul Babeu Allegedly Slept With Student At Reeducation Camp He Ran

Every inhabitant in the entire solar system and possibly as far away as the alternate universe where Rick Santorum becomes the American president has now heard the story about wingnut Arizona sheriff Paul Babeu trying to deport his secret illegal Mexican gay lover, but did you know that this was only one of two insane stories about Babeu’s serially creepy, unethical behavior that reporters were learning about at the time? ABC15 in Arizona was also about to out Babeu after they spent five months digging up dirt from court documents in Massachusetts alleging that Paul Babeu’s 1999-2001 tenure as the evil headmaster of an unlicensed private reeducation camp gulag for troubled teens included the use of punishments that amounted to physical abuse and that oh yeah, his sister says he was shacked up with one of his male students. Paul Babeu sure does seem to enjoy the secretive sexytime with members of vulnerable groups that he treats like shit in his official capacities! Where else has Paul Babeu worked? Nevermind, we don’t actually want to know. Read more on Paul Babeu Allegedly Slept With Student At Reeducation Camp He Ran…
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Joe Arpaio Fine With Sex-Crimes As Long As They’re Against Illegals

GAH. When we pleaded with the universe last week for leading insane racist and pink panty queen Joe Arpaio to be the next high-profile Republican sheriff to become embroiled in a “ghey sex for meth” scandal, we made our offhanded Xmas wish sort of figuring that was the worst the universe could do on the sex crimes scale even where Joe Arpaio is concerned. How naïve of us, forgetting that we are talking about one of the most awful individuals in America today: the Associated Press turned up four hundred sex crimes reported to Arpaio’s office that he… eh, didn’t really bother to investigate, including “dozens of child molestations” that met with a delete key for minor victims with the wrong skin color. Read more on Joe Arpaio Fine With Sex-Crimes As Long As They’re Against Illegals…
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Rep. Jeff Duncan Hoping To Seem Like Most Racist Person In South Carolina

We get it: South Carolina Republicans are racist. Racist racism-loving slobs full of racism with more racism slathered on top, for racism. It’s assumed. But is it also a contest? Please oh please let it be a contest, because newly-elected teabagger Rep. Jeff Duncan wants to win it so bad. Here, he has a submission for you to consider, an elaborate verbal prose piece he worked on very hard discussing how the illegal browns, all of them, are filthy scavenging vermin who sneak into his home and clean his kitchen and then demand his food and bathroom products, just like that, for free. And those are just the best parts! Read more on Rep. Jeff Duncan Hoping To Seem Like Most Racist Person In South Carolina…
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GOP Jerk Thrilled That New Voting Law Stops Black People From Voting

Democracy’s greatest champion in South Carolina, Republican strategist Wesley Donehue, was delighted to learn from a news story that a tough new anti-voting law has successfully stopped many, many black people from voting. The AP article is more than just informative, however — it “proves EXACTLY why we need Voter ID in SC.” How else can you legally bar 1,977 registered black voters from voting? Heh heh, we mean without the “old ways” of doin’ things Down South. Read more on GOP Jerk Thrilled That New Voting Law Stops Black People From Voting…
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Rhode Island GOP Lawmaker Turns Out To Be Wanted Fugitive

Massachusetts has discovered a new place to try to hunt down its wanted criminals: the Rhode Island state legislature! It seems kind of obvious in retrospect, only because the Ocean State is kind of a sad, drug-addled dump from what we hear. Rep. Daniel Gordon Jr. was arrested in Rhode Island for failing to appear in Massachusetts court on charges of evading a police officer, although technically the fun part of this story is that the Rhode Island State Police also discovered in the process that the freshman Republican lawmaker has been in jail on and off in Massachusetts for the last two decades on a dizzying array of assault, attempted murder and drug charges. Normally this might not be a necessarily bad thing for a lawmaker, because being a violent asshole is a kind of fast-track qualification for political success. But instead, this is all super bad for Gordon, because he is coincidentally also the kind of asshole who is constantly harassing everyone on the Internet, which is unforgivable. Read more on Rhode Island GOP Lawmaker Turns Out To Be Wanted Fugitive…
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Did Rick Perry Try To Rough-Sex Ron Paul At GOP Debate?

Dr. Ron Paul’s portion of the Internet is goin’ nutz over the rumored grab-ass Rick Perry was trying to strong-arm Doctor Congressman Paul with, during the Reagan Gravesite Debate. Why is Rick Perry such a violent psychopath? Does he just hate freedom so much that he went over and tried to beat up a whiny old man in view of a thousand cameras? Read more on Did Rick Perry Try To Rough-Sex Ron Paul At GOP Debate?…
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Gay Old Republican Lawmaker Caught With Male Hooker Is ‘Not Gay’

Formerly closeted gay Republican lawmaker Phil Hinkle was caught in a hotel with a male gay prostitute earlier this month, which was all obviously some kind of terrible mistake, the way yet another GOP representative (Indiana legislature, this time) has been caught with a rent boy. But now the Republican married straight lawmaker has at least admitted he paid the comely young man $80 for a “good time” but definitely didn’t do any gay things. Read more on Gay Old Republican Lawmaker Caught With Male Hooker Is ‘Not Gay’…
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John Ensign Proposed To His Mistress At the National Prayer Breakfast

Does anybody care about this John Ensign affair/bribe thing anymore? Probably nobody cares about this John Ensign affair/bribe thing anymore, but the details of this thing are just ridiculous. Here’s a thing John Ensign did: He took his mistress, the wife of his friend and mother of his children’s friends, to the National Prayer Breakfast to propose marriage to her. How romantic! God strolled into the National Prayer Breakfast, saw Ensign on one knee, said “Oh fuck this shit” to himself, and walked right back out. There are enough things in the Senate Ethics Committee report to embarrass Ensign’s children and those of his mistress’ for many lifetimes, but they already know that, because Ensign was pretty much doing it right in front of them, and then all the adults in the situation destroyed their own lives. This all sounds really hott! Read more on John Ensign Proposed To His Mistress At the National Prayer Breakfast…
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Maine Governor Broke Law By Removing and Hiding Labor Mural

Teabagger-piglet Paul LePage, who somehow became governor of Maine this year despite winning just 38% of the vote, has been aggressively trying to destroy the public worker unions as per his instructions from the Tea Party (Koch Industries). Just to make sure everyone knew he was going to be an incredible jackass in this attack on the people of Maine, LePage decided the labor history mural in the state’s Department of Labor building was, well, labor oriented. And everybody (Koch Industries) knows that’s a very bad thing, for American workers to be fairly compensated for their labor. So portly wingnut Paul LePage had this 36-foot-long mural ripped out, and then he hid it in an “undisclosed location,” and now it turns out he illegally violated the terms of the contract with the mural’s artist. Read more on Maine Governor Broke Law By Removing and Hiding Labor Mural…
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Joe Miller’s Alaska Militia Friend Jailed For Trying To Murder Judges

Scruffy-cheeked Ivy League teabagger Joe Miller lost his crazed bid to become a senator last year, but the sore loser still thinks he’s got a place in politics. But will his ambitions survive his friendship with a 26-year-old white trash militia kid arrested for trying to kill a bunch of judges and cops? Who knows, this is Alaska! Anyway, this child militiaman — apparently the leader of the “Alaska Peacemakers Militia” — allegedly came up with a super-great way to deal with the f’in cops always breathin’ down his neck. It involved a whole lot of shooting and kidnapping and murder and then burning down a house full of other cops, or something. Alaska, everybody! Read more on Joe Miller’s Alaska Militia Friend Jailed For Trying To Murder Judges…
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GOP Car Salesman/House Candidate Charged With Car-Lot Sex Attack

A grotesque 68-year-old car salesman, Republican “young gun” (?!) and failed Senate/House candidate from Ohio has been charged with “three felony charges of gross sexual imposition, and single counts of kidnapping, abduction, solicitation, and menacing by stalking.” Tea Party-endorsed Tom Ganley allegedly attacked a woman from Cleveland and stuck his hands down her pants after she refused his sexual advances, at a car dealership, where she was having her car serviced. During his campaign against Congresswoman Betty Sutton, Ganley redundantly described the sex-crime allegations against him as “lies, slander and false” and then helpfully explained that his victim was a Democrat, even though she’s a teabagger he met at a Tea Party rally. And then he threatened to sue his opponent when even more women came forward claiming that Ganley committed sex terribleness against them. Read more on GOP Car Salesman/House Candidate Charged With Car-Lot Sex Attack…
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Hilarious Haley Barbour Daily Emails Mock Japanese Quake Victims

Here’s something Sarah Palin will be super angry about until somebody (Willow?) tells her Haley Barbour is a Republican: Mississippi white pig Haley Barbour’s press secretary sends out a heehawlarious email news roundup “to Barbour’s staff and other allies” with fun jokes about Janet Reno looking like a man and all those Japs getting killed by the earthquake/nuclear apocalypse. Palin might even type a “Half u no shamez, Halle Barber?” on her Twitter or whatever! But Haley Barbour’s press secretary wants you to know that Haley probably doesn’t even read these things, because he is a six-hundred-pound klan-whale who can’t figure out the ‘puter, so he gets “printouts” of the email, and the jokes are probably not visible on the printouts because of … white southerners are dumb? Yes, let’s go with that, which is all we can figure from this Politico item. Read more on Hilarious Haley Barbour Daily Emails Mock Japanese Quake Victims…
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Sexy Craigslist Congressman Chris Lee (R-Casual Encounters) Resigns

Weirdo Republican House Rep. Chris Lee of New York’s 26th District was actually trying to hook up with ladies on the Internet, which is so not the way the GOP rolls, so he has already resigned in shame, the end. Honestly, that’s the end to this dumb, quick, embarrassing story. He really can spend more time with his family now, if they still want him around. Maybe they do. Maybe they are forgiving. We should all be forgiving, now and then. Good-bye, Congressman Chris Lee and your teen-aged boy self-shot posted all over the Internet forever. [Washington Post/MSNBC] Read more on Sexy Craigslist Congressman Chris Lee (R-Casual Encounters) Resigns…
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Congresswoman Mary Bono’s Boob Licked By a Lady Donor (UPDATED)

According to photos on Radar that look pretty legitimate, this is Congresswoman Mary Bono Mack (R-CA), wife of Congressman Connie Mack (R-FL) being macked on her boob by Edra Blixseth, a former billionaire campaign contributor who is bankrupt and said to be under investigation by the FBI for financial fraud. She is also being sued by everyone on earth, and probably one of them sent this to Radar, which is still a thing, we guess. Is it sexist that this is being reported, as that candidate who sucked that reindeer dildo would have us believe? No, it is sexist that we never see photos of people licking the boobs of male members of Congress, because that would be much funnier. Read more on Congresswoman Mary Bono’s Boob Licked By a Lady Donor (UPDATED)…
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Tennessee Legislators Just Want To Hang Out With Their Blackface Pastors

Tennessee Republican Terri Lynn Weaver has SOMEHOW gotten into controversy by posting a photo of herself with her fat pastor dressed as a blackface Aunt Jemima, which you can see at left. What you can’t see at left is the comment Weaver wrote on this photo: “Aunt Jemima, you is so sweet.” WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT? Surely this nice white lady just meant that she loves that particular pancake-dust brand and would like it to be her friend on Facebook! And doesn’t everyone have a pastor who dresses up as offensive caricatures of minorities? That’s, like, the most important part of the Bible. Jesus was always wearing hilarious costumes like this. And in response to the furor over this offensive stereotype, the woman is now defending herself in the most stereotypical way possible. Read more on Tennessee Legislators Just Want To Hang Out With Their Blackface Pastors…
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Does Diaperman David Vitter Have a New Favorite Hooker?

Have you explored the strange world of men with too much money writing about their escort experiences on the Internet? GOOD, don’t … unless you want to learn what lingo like this might mean: “More then one man can handle alone. PSE is my thing. Keep that gfe shit!” Yeah, who wants that second thing? Also, which high-priced hooker acronym means “Senator David Vitter is here again and he wants to poop in diapers, and have a call girl watch, for some reason”? Because that’s the only deviant fecal act relevant to Louisiana’s senate campaign. Let’s meet the young lady one Louisiana politics blog says is Vitter’s new favorite prostitute. Read more on Does Diaperman David Vitter Have a New Favorite Hooker?…
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Southern GOP Chairman Resigns Over Racist E-Mail, The Sky Is Blue

Virginia Beach Republican Party Chairman David Bartholomew has resigned after sending out a hilarious racist e-mail about taking a dog to get welfare benefits. We probably should have warned you before posting that sentence, as some of you probably fainted from the sheer surprise at reading such a thing. A Republican official sent out a racist e-mail and Christine O’Donnell said something stupid today? How do we make sense of these strange occurrences? So what’s the deal with this dog? Was he eating watermelons with Obama in the White House garden? You know, that old cliche? No, this e-mail just compared blacks and Hispanics to the dog. Humor! Read more on Southern GOP Chairman Resigns Over Racist E-Mail, The Sky Is Blue…