Tag: pt quitters

Quitter Bachmann Withdraws Swiss Citizenship (To Work Undercover)

We've seen this ruse before, Bachmann. You think no one would suspect it, then you get caught, and now you're all, "Oh, I'm done being Swiss." She only loves "America" now. We're not buying it, SPY. This continues to...

Newt Gingrich Will Reassess His Plan To Declare Himself American Emperor

Newt, Newt, our hero Newt, what are you talking about? Weren't we supposed to ride this train all the way to Tampa and fuck shit up at the convention? Now you're saying you're going to reassess the campaign after...

BREAKING! Rick Santorum Takes His Balls And Goes Home

Do you hear that? That is the sound of weeping -- really, that phlegmy, breathless, hacking snot-snarfling SOBBING -- throughout the land as political humorists realize the little spitty, sneery, smegmatic Torquemadita has bowed to something called "reality." And...

IT SEEMED LIKE IT WOULD BE FUN AT THE TIME: "Kal Penn, star of the 'Harold & Kumar' movies, will leave his job in the Obama administration to appear in a new Christmas-themed flick as his signature stoner character,...

CHARLIE RANGEL TAKING A 'LEAVE OF ABSENCE' FROM WAYS AND MEANS DURING ETHICS PROBE: Good lord, this is what the man gets for taking some hot Caribbean vacations on the dime of The Corporates? What else is the point...

CAN'T EVEN HANDLE THIS NEWS: "Under intense pressure from Democratic Party officials, Harold E. Ford Jr., the former Tennessee congressman, has decided not to challenge Sen. Kirsten E. Gillibrand in the primary this fall, according to two people told...

David Paterson Cannot Govern And Run For Re-Election At The Same Time

This is the best that friend-to-nice-ladies David Paterson could come up with, explaining why he decided to exit the New York governor's race: "It has become increasingly clear to me in the last few days that I cannot run...

Sarah Palin’s Comically Inadequate Mouthpiece Quits!

NOOOOOO!!! Of all the aides that could have quit given the headline "Palin aide departs," it had to be Meghan "Meg" Stapleton, the famous shapeless Alaskan laughsack! Meg Stapleton, coiner of the line, "The world is literally her oyster,"...

Sarah Palin Quits 5K Charity Run, Too

Yikes, did we imply Sarah Palin was acting like a "normal 'Merikun" in eastern Washington State for Thanksgiving? Sorry about that! Palin was just being a Prima Donna nutcase, like always. First, enjoy this local-news video report about Sarah's visit...

Senator Mel Martinez Quits Early

Everybody knew Senator Mel Martinez, the Florida guy who took advantage of what's known as "the Cuban Exemption" in order to become both a Republican and a Hispanic at the same time, would not run for re-election in...

Sarah Palin Pisses On Ronald Reagan’s Grave

Sarah Palin is so super-maverick-y now that she won't even honor her vow to make a speech at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, where she was scheduled to speak at the Simi Valley Republican Ladies Group Fund-raiser for Republicans,...

ALEX PAREENE ON PALIN'S INSANE GOODBYE: "It's like Peggy Noonan, Jack London, and William Faulkner wandered into the woods with three buttons of peyote and one typewriter, and only this speech emerged."

Sarah Palin’s Last Words

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy Oh yeah you might want to see this, right? It's Sarah Palin's "goodbye and fuck you all, except the military families, you keep us safe" speech. Check it...

Ensign Chief Of Staff Leaving?

Senator John Ensign isn't quitting his job just because he had the poor taste to sleep with his friend's wife and then stick his parents with the most expensive "here's a little something for your trouble" tab ever, but...

Republicans Just Give Up On Sotomayor

Well, for all their tuff talk on this racist Puerto Rican separatist who wasn't even very smart, the Republicans have just rolled over and shown the tyrannical Sonia Sotomayor their little white bellies. After spending two months complaining about...

Palin Was Driven Out Of Office By … Paperwork?

Well, this is highly unsatisfying. We wanted to hear that Sarah Palin was one of the handful of lovelies with whom Mark Sanford "crossed the line" after a steamy meetup at the make-your-own-omelette buffet at some Republican Governors' conference,...