In this brave new era of impotent smokeballs and puke fountains, it’s never been more appealing to retreat into your basement, with fertile plants and sawed-off weapons, never to emerge until bond prices fall or something. But what to do when the liquor runs out? DC Snacks, a company created in god’s own image, is here to help. MORE »

If you are currently sloppy drunk from kegs and eggs and planning on driving over to America’s Puke Fountain for Wonkette’s photo contest, here’s a tip: don’t. Embittered police, who don’t “have a problem with people celebrating their Irish heritage,” are really proving it by setting up drunk driving checkpoints all over creation. But don’t put down the beer just yet! SoberRide is providing free cabs for anyone that wants one, till 4AM tonight. MORE »

We have an important and URGENT message for our many conservative readers who must not say *anything to anyone* until they’ve read this: your leader, Rush Limbaugh, has decreed that you are not allowed to criticize Bobby Jindal’s speech last night, got it? You do not want to be the next David Brooks or Amanda Carpenter or Fox News panel member, each of whom have already been EATED by Limbaugh for saying that Jindal sucked last night. MORE »

Despite the fact that Math Porn purveyor Nate Silver has revoked beer’s hard-earned recession-proof status, we venture to guess there’s a few of us who may still find utility in “What’s a Girl to Do When It’s Time to Put Down the Drink?” — a one-woman show by Tara Handron about alcoholic women in various stages of breakdown and recovery. MORE »

• KNOCK IT OFF CRETINS: A number of commenters have recently gotten the ax for writing a bunch of foul unfunny garbage in the comments. Before you hit “Submit” on your latest masterpiece involving female genitals, minors, or anal rape, please think about whether this makes you look like a cretinous woman-hating loser.

Do you live in the Washington D.C. metro area? If so, you are probably going to die soon because there is a COUGAR on the prowl. According to Wonkette “Terp” operative “Chris,” security officials at University of Maryland at College Park are warning students that the dreadful monster, this cougar, has been seen hunting students for sustenance. And now it is coming for you and your terrible family! MORE »

Have you purchased a used computer recently? If so, you could be in possession of stolen personal information for millions of U.S. veterans and active-duty military personnel. The Post reports:

Montgomery County police released a description yesterday of the stolen laptop and its external hard drive because they said it may have been purchased by someone who does not realize the value of its content. “It could have shown up at a yard sale or a secondhand store,” police spokeswoman Lucille Baur said. “This is a time of the year when parents may be buying computers for kids going to college in the fall.”

Montgomery County police are offering a $50,000 reward for information that allows authorities to recover the laptop. The computer is a Hewlett-Packard model zv5360us and the external hard drive is an HP External Personal Media Drive.

After the jump, an open letter to the VA, from a Wonkette reader and veteran whose personal information was stolen.

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O Happy Day! Via Slashfood: MORE »

No, this isn’t a “safe sex” public service announcement. And it doesn’t have much to do with politics either. MORE »