Tag Archives: pt priorities

  priorities

GOP House Fixes All Nation’s Problems On First Day Back, By Banning Abortion Again

Do you remember your favorite Nazi research proponent and Congressperson Trent Franks (R-AZ)? Last Congress, he sponsored H.R. 1797, The Pain Capable Unborn Child Protection Act, which yr Wonkette described at the time as “a calamitous clusterfuck of epic proportions from start to finish.” The bill would have banned all abortions after the 20th week of pregnancy, and while it did include a rape exception, that would only have been triggered if the woman reported the rape to police. And as everyone knows, that is always easy and convenient and safe for all women, hooray! After a floor debate that included insight into the masturbation habits of fetuses, the House passed the bill last June by a vote of 228-196, and then the Senate rolled around on the floor laughing and refused to touch it with a 10-foot pole. Remember when Democrats used to control the Senate, until a few weeks ago? Those were good times. Read more on GOP House Fixes All Nation’s Problems On First Day Back, By Banning Abortion Again…
  priorities

John McCain Stands Up for America’s Oppressed Cable Subscribers

Chairman of the Senate committee on Elder Grievances John McCain is boldly taking on Big Television to address an issue dear to wrathful retirement community members everywhere: the cable bill is apparently too damn high. (We would not know. Your Wonkette has never had cable, because snore.) Ol’ Walnuts has introduced the Television Consumer Freedom Act, to defend history’s most sacred freedom of all. The bill would encourage cable companies to offer channels a la carte in lieu of the current tyrannical model, which forces consumers to pay for bundles that include unwanted channels. We do not care whatsoever about how much people must pay for mindless entertainment, but here is where we would like to note that the traditional congressional approach of “always doing nothing” to stop this crisis would likely better serve the American public by possibly encouraging cable television viewership to continue to decline. We assume, however, that John McCain’s heroic effort is aimed at making sure he doesn’t break with that other congressional tradition of “always making things worse.” In McCain’s defense, why ruin a perfect record? Read more on John McCain Stands Up for America’s Oppressed Cable Subscribers…
  priorities

Jim Inhofe Introduces Bill to Provide Desperately Needed Bullets for Starved American Guns

Terrible news, America. After decades of stockpiling obscene quantities of killing implements for fun and murder around the world, the good times are coming to an end now that Senator Jim Inhofe has gotten wind of the real reason the Department of Homeland Security is buying 1.6 billion rounds of ammunition: the government is trying to keep needy American gun owners from purchasing it. Did you notice how the Senate voted against expanding background checks lately? And have you noticed there is an ammunition shortage in some parts of the country? Jim Inhofe has carefully worked it out on his abacus, and boy, prepare to crap your pants. Read more on Jim Inhofe Introduces Bill to Provide Desperately Needed Bullets for Starved American Guns…
  priorities

Secret U.S. ‘Kill List’ Somehow Not In Rand Paul’s Paranoid Spam Forwards

Like everyone else in the nation, we have grown used to the stream of wingnut “gubmint gon’ steal ur gunz” Second Amendment action-alert emails always emanating en masse from the AOL accounts of America’s loony cousins and neighbors, OR, apparently now, from a U.S. Senator! Mother Jones spotted pantsless prick Rand Paul sticking his name on one of these ALL CAPS WITH UNDERLINES spam forwards warning everyone that the United Nations space ninjas are fixin’ to steal their guns, which is of course is totally false panic for several zillion reasons. But the best reason we have read just today is because the U.S. government is not so much interested in stealing guns as it is in forming secret, oversight-free panels to type up “kill lists” for American citizens they do not like.   Read more on Secret U.S. ‘Kill List’ Somehow Not In Rand Paul’s Paranoid Spam Forwards…
  priorities

Minnesota Governor Offers To End Shutdown, Reestablish Beer Supply

It seems the threat of becoming boozeless in Minnesota was enough to finally motivate Governor Mark Dayton to try to end the shutdown out of fear he’d need to impose order on a state full of stone sober Lutherans, who if any of you history majors out there can remember are just descendants of the Viking “barbarians” that even Marcus Bachmann cannot cure, so it will all eventually end up in a Canadian invasion to kidnap Minnesota’s hockey players and Prince. Anyway, Dayton has agreed to the fiscal measures proposed by the Republican-controlled legislature, which means Minnesota will have a balanced budget now, freedom wins hooray? Read more on Minnesota Governor Offers To End Shutdown, Reestablish Beer Supply…
  priorities

Robert Gibbs Finally Addresses… Oh Screw It, “Lostgate”

Robert Gibbs does not “foresee a scenario” in which the State of the Union would preempt the Lost final season premiere, the Internet lobby’s #1 concern, according to recent conflagration. Gibbs said this because an ABC reporter actually asked him about it during a White House press briefing. AND YOU KNOW WHAT, GOOD. Read more on Robert Gibbs Finally Addresses… Oh Screw It, “Lostgate”…