Tag: pt priorities

Alabama Governor’s Beachfront Mansion Remodel Is Most Important Crisis Facing Alabama

Gov. Robert Bentley (R-So You Know Where This Is Going) really cares about his fellow Alabamatonians. That's why he immediately declared the Yellowhammer State a Syrian refugee-free zone, after the terrorist attacks in Paris, to keep his people safe...

America About To Run Out Of Money Again But Speaker Ryan Says It’s Cool, Brah

While our fearless leaders in Congress have been busy surrendering to ISIS and repealing Obamacare (yes, again) and sleeping on it to decide whether Donald Trump does or does not represent the Grand Ol' Party, the little matter of how...

GOP House Fixes All Nation’s Problems On First Day Back, By Banning Abortion Again

Do you remember your favorite Nazi research proponent and Congressperson Trent Franks (R-AZ)? Last Congress, he sponsored H.R. 1797, The Pain Capable Unborn Child Protection Act, which yr Wonkette described at the time as "a calamitous clusterfuck of epic proportions from start to...

John McCain Stands Up for America’s Oppressed Cable Subscribers

Chairman of the Senate committee on Elder Grievances John McCain is boldly taking on Big Television to address an issue dear to wrathful retirement community members everywhere: the cable bill is apparently too damn high. (We would not know....

Jim Inhofe Introduces Bill to Provide Desperately Needed Bullets for Starved American Guns

Terrible news, America. After decades of stockpiling obscene quantities of killing implements for fun and murder around the world, the good times are coming to an end now that Senator Jim Inhofe has gotten wind of the real reason...

Secret U.S. ‘Kill List’ Somehow Not In Rand Paul’s Paranoid Spam Forwards

Like everyone else in the nation, we have grown used to the stream of wingnut "gubmint gon' steal ur gunz" Second Amendment action-alert emails always emanating en masse from the AOL accounts of America's loony cousins and neighbors, OR, apparently...

Minnesota Governor Offers To End Shutdown, Reestablish Beer Supply

It seems the threat of becoming boozeless in Minnesota was enough to finally motivate Governor Mark Dayton to try to end the shutdown out of fear he'd need to impose order on a state full of stone sober Lutherans,...

Robert Gibbs Finally Addresses… Oh Screw It, “Lostgate”

Robert Gibbs does not "foresee a scenario" in which the State of the Union would preempt the Lost final season premiere, the Internet lobby's #1 concern, according to recent conflagration. Gibbs said this because an ABC reporter actually asked...