Just a few short years ago, Americans huddled in their underground bunkers worrying that Saddam Hussein was coming to bomb them, personally. Now Americans huddle in their underground bunkers worrying that they’re going to have to tap into their emergency supplies of Hobo Beans — but at least they’re not afraid of the terrorists anymore! MORE »

John Edwards has been mysteriously absent from the news for many months, ever since he announced that he could very well have gotten John McCain elected president had he (Edwards) won the Democratic nomination because he was having sex with some hippie crystal worshipper who gave birth to a child that looked like “John Edwards in a onesie” even though he was not the father. MORE »

Poverty: it’s America’s hottest new trend! Everybody’s hopping on the bandwagon! Poors are the new yuppies, etc.! And yet certain elected representatives in your state may still not be on board with anti-poverty legislation, because they are mean. Want to find out how people have voted in your state or district? Go to this leetle interactive map dealy at the Sargent Shriver National Center on Poverty Law’s Poverty Scorecard and see who you should publicly shame! (Hint: Start with Wyoming.) [Poverty Scorecard 2008]

Since it’s the Depression and all, get ready for skyrocketing educational costs! State governments have no munnies for their public schools, and all the private schools wasted their endowments on AIG stock, so increased tuition costs get passed along to you, the consumer! And since there are no jobs waiting for you at the end of your fancy four-year degree anyway, why bother? Soon it will cost approx. 14 kajillion dollars to get your diploma from some middling liberal arts school, so that you can send literally two-thirds of your take-home pay to your student loan consolidator while you work behind the counter at Enterprise Rent-a-Car, a job you could have easily gotten with a high school diploma and half a brain. MORE »

With every Republican short of Roberta McCain endorsing Barack Obama, it only makes sense that somebody would try to dig up a Democrat voting for McCain (NO LIEBERMAN DOES NOT COUNT). And here it is, your token Democrat Wendy Button, writing in Evelyn Waugh’s Weblog Compendium of Critical Musings about how the Democratic party has abandoned her. She worked for John Edwards — a big fat libtard liberal with fancy ideas about how government should help people, and poor people shouldn’t be poor — and now, after the media made fun of Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton, she will be voting for John McCain, because he has promised not to raise rich people’s taxes. Huh? On a side note, if this gal can get a job writing for three major Democratic presidential candidates, your Wonkette editors should get the fucking Nobel Prize for literature. [The Daily Beast]

By the Comics Curmudgeon
So apparently 60 percent of you think that we are on the verge of a new Great Depression! Hopefully those of your who believe this are preparing yourself for the coming crisis, by putting your money in low-yield, low-risk investments, stocking up on canned food and ammo, and drinking heavily. But there aren’t just practical preparations to be made; you’ve got to get ready aesthetically, too, to understand the common visual language of total social and economic collapse. Get ready for the symbols of our new lives! MORE »

You know what Louisiana Republicans love? Constructing elaborate state-funded schemes for tinkering with the loins of undesirables. First comes Governor Bobby Jindal’s amazing proposal to castrate sex offenders, and now some kook in Metairie wants to pay poor women $1000 to have their tubes tied so that they will quit squirting out orphans to suckle at the government teat. Wait, what? A Republican in favor of state-funded birth control? Well, why the hell not? MORE »

Littlest candidate John McCain has had a lot of trouble raising money, because Republicans don’t like him and everybody knows he’s going to lose, but he finally had some “good news” today on the money front: Team McCain raised $21.5 million in May, which is the best-ever monthly take for Walnuts … and still only half of Barack Obama’s monthly average of $40 million. [Los Angeles Times]

Poor sad ex-TGI Friday’s gay romancer and New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey is so poor that he lives on cat food and canned beans, so he cannot spare any wooden nickles from his bindle for his betrayed former wife who “should have known he was gay” when she married him. MORE »

SO BITTER: Can you believe that Barack Obama said poor, bitter voters in small towns are poor and bitter? Hillary and the Republicans will not tolerate this kind of talk. We don’t mention the working poor, remember? It makes rich people uncomfortable. [Political Machine]

Wonkette’s own Liz Glover took her video camera and Polaroid to an April 1 party for “Our America,” a thing to help the low-income youth. As you can imagine, the powerful D.C. media wanted nothing to do with this (poor black kids are such downers), but John Kerry was there! MORE »