“A White House press official was certain—the scoop on the poop was a crock. The press office checked with the Air Force One flight crew who said Bo had not desecrated the jet. Other big news beckoned: the health-care overhaul, rising unemployment and a debate over the war in Afghanistan. But we were nagged by a question—was the pile denial a White House cover up?” This is Peggy Noonan’s most prescient column yet. [PULITZER BAIT]

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Hey, you know what, America: I want this health care dealio over with as soon as you do. Not because I care about my own or anyone else’s health, mind you; I am just tired of all the cartoons being churned out about it, when there could be cartoons churned out about something much sexier, like a sex scandal, or a gay sex scandal. But until that day comes, I will be forced to comment on the whole health care reform thingimabob. Fortunately, none of the cartoonists commenting on it understand it any more than I do, but they do sure do know one thing: poop is hilarious! MORE »

The Blackwater news was, what, two years ago now, and we’re still inexplicably allowing these creepy private security companies to not only take the helm “guarding” major war zones, but to do so without *any* military supervision or need to adhere to basic laws or standards of conduct? Well THANK GOD this is the case, because the private sector works better, always, everywhere, and creates incentives for profit-minded companies to compete in the booming “who can act most retardedly and embarrassingly and illegally in a war zone” market. At the end of the day, it’s savings for the American consumer! No — scratch that: At the end of the day, it’s naked, fat contractor slobs, supposedly protecting the U.S. Embassy in Kabul, but really just drinking poop-filtered cheap vodka and chips with dip, the dip being poop, from each other’s unwiped assholes. MORE »

HEROIC PUNDIT RETURNS, COVERED IN POOP: You people loved Andrew Sullivan so much when came this close to seizing the throne of Iran, last month, but then he went on vacation, leaving his blog to numerous bloodthirsty tyrants named Conor. But now he is back, and stone cold covered in shit: “This has been a bust of a summer this year on the Cape: almost no sun, an economic depression that is killing businesses and crippling real estate, and vicious hate crimes from some locals. Oh, and the sewer broke over July 4, with poo coming up out of the drains and showers and toilets. Good times.” Ah, summer with the Sullivans. [Andrew Sullivan]

HMM MAYBE DON’T EAT RAW COOKIE DOUGH YOU FAT PATHETIC SLOBS: Nestle is “voluntarily recalling” its best-selling “Fatty Fatso Cookie Dough Tubes” because the government says people are probably getting the E coli because Americans are so fucking disgusting they are just squeezing these foul, raw, cold grease poops right into their mouths. [ABC News]

By the Comics Curmudgeon

You would be forgiven if you assumed that the members of our political class were terrible killer cyborgs, sent from the future to kill us all, with skeletons and organs made from metal and plastic. Or perhaps you believe them to be terrible hell-demons, with skin made out of scales wrapped around viscera of pure fire. But you might be surprised to learn that neither of these descriptions are true. Elected officials are real humans, like you! If you prick them, do they not bleed? If you tickle them, do they not laugh? Also, they poop and have huge boners, as you’ll see after the jump. MORE »

Why are the wingnuts so obsessed with poop and ass and “prix” and Barney Frank performing medical procedures on their anuses? Here’s old Sour Betsy at some dingbat teabagging fail or another, yesterday, proclaiming to the world that she is, in fact, a piece of shit. Thanks to our pal BlueGal for the horror.

EWWWWWWWWWW Oregon state legislators are filthy! All they talk about is blood and poop and semen. They wrote a bill about this stuff because they are gross. (Also, to protect Women.) Basically it says that before you give the nice lady a Cleveland Steamer, make sure she consents. MORE »

THIS IS WHY DOWNTOWN SMELLS LIKE ASS: Here is a true fact about the source of DC’s insidious fecal odor, gleaned from the Universal Source of All True Things, Wikipedia, by Wonkette Informant Tyler: “I spent most of yesterday afternoon wondering why the entirety of Buffalo Billiards (and the rest of Dupont, really) smelled like dog shit more than usual. Turns out that the female gingko trees drop pods/seeds that smell like shit when they split open.” Ginkgo trees are a metaphor for the sacred loins of Barbara Bush Sr. [Wikipedia]

• NEED MORE INFO PLZ: Wonkette olfactory operative “Lim” wrote earlier this morning, “I now corroborated with multiple people that downtown DC today smells like dog-shit. Everywhere you go, everything just smells like shit. What the hell is going on?” Lanny Davis. Lanny Davis is what’s going on. We have no idea, Limmy. If you, the local Wonkette reader, also smell dog shit in Downtown DC, first check the soles of your shoes, and if they’re clear then try to locate the source for an exciting Wonkette “pooper scoop.” (Ugh.) Go!

Things are looking pretty rough in Republican fundraising circles these days…except for an elite group of operatives who accept campaign contributions in the only denomination that still holds its value in the global market: human feces. MORE »