HOLY MOLY LOOK AT GOV. RICK PERRY TOUCH THIS MAN. JESUS. He’s like, well sure I’ll shake your hand old man, but before I do that, I’m just gonna pet your hair a lil’ bit, and you’re gonna have to deal with that. Ha ha ha! This is still so good, even on the 42nd watch. And it’s not a one-off thing, either: this is simply how Rick Perry greets other humans. MORE »

• HANDSY N.C. STATE SENATOR SHOOTS HOME INTRUDER: This is why we need military-grade assault weapons, people: “TABOR CITY, N.C. — A sheriff says North Carolina’s longest serving state lawmaker has shot one of two intruders who kicked in the front door of his home.” This is a real win-win, here, because the senator, R.C. Soles, was able to protect himself with his gun, the news of which has introduced the rest of us to “R.C. Soles,” who allegedly has a penchant for teenage cock. [AP]

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Many differences of opinion mark the divide between real Americans and the sort of decadent, elitist sex-crazed weirdos who read this site. Perhaps one of the easiest ways to tell which category you fall into is to examine your attitude towards the Foreigns and sex perverts. Do you believe that America is a bastion of virtue and everything outside its borders is a giant orgy? Or do you believe that foreigners have a healthy attitude towards sexuality, and that it’s Americans who are all twisted up inside when it comes to sexual matters? As is so often the case in these disagreements, each side is right: both foreigners and Americans are filthy perverts. But only Americans are also furries. MORE »

Oh, this was so awesome, the other day! What could be better than Anderson Cooper plus furries? Anderson Cooper crackin’ on furries, and suggesting they do more at their glamorous Pittsburgh conference than talk. So adorable! [YouTube]

Congressman Pete King: Is he the Mike Gravel of 2009? He’s very fond of the brief, nonsensical YouTube on important topics such as why we all “glorify” Michael Jackson instead of firefighters and AIDS clinic workers. Hmm, good question! Here is a hint: one was a bizarre recluse who traveled with chimps, danced like an angel, and slowly morphed from a handsome young black man into Liza Minnelli; the other fights fires. NO CONTEST. Why didn’t David Paterson appoint Pete King to Hillary’s Senate seat instead of that dull Gillibrand character, who has never once produced a noteworthy opinion on Michael Jackson? [YouTube]

A pervert in Pennsylvania has been arrested. HOORAY FOR FRIDAY NEWS! Alan David Berlin, 40, and longtime staffer in the Pennsylvania state Senate, was charged Thursday for being a terrible panda furry who loved teenage boys so, so much. But is he only a panda furry? MORE »

• COMMENCE ‘CRYPTIC PHONE DRIVE-BYS IN HIPPIE COMMUNES’ PHASE OF TEABAGGING REVOLUTION: Left-wing communist and likely herbivore “CB” writes: “I know this is only a minor event, especially because I’m sure millions of people got this phone call. But I need to vent. Yesterday I got a call, and a friendly male voice recording informed me about the ‘Teabag Movement’ going on an advised me to ‘Please take note.’ Thanks to wonderful Wonkette, I am fully informed about this lame-ass ‘movement.’ I’m in Berkeley, for f…s sake. What are they thinking?” Hmm. Must be the teabagger perv-bot’s fetish. Like in that movie where Philip Seymour Hoffman’s character calls random ladies in the phone book and shouts nonsense while violently masturbating.

A full two thirds of the most recent Georgetown University Public Safety Reports have involved an unknown male entering someone’s home and hovering in or around the resident’s bed until being “asked” to leave. MORE »

A “high-level” aide to communist Sen. Barbara Boxer of California has been arrested after — whoops! — he was caught chatting and swapping cock pictures with 13-year-old boys on a liberal social network called “Google Hello.” Gross! And the funny thing about one of those 13-year-old boys was that he was actually an FBI detective, trying to capture him. OOPS. Let’s learn more about Mr. Jeff Rosato, who has walked straight into a cold Blowvember gust. MORE »

Here is a helpful tip for all you local lawmakers who want to look at porn in your office: DON’T PRINT IT OUT AND THEN LEAVE YOUR PORNOGRAPHY LYING AROUND. Oh, and if it is horrible child pornography? First, quit looking at that shit, and second, DO NOT LEAVE IT LYING AROUND. Sadly, New Jersey Assemblyman Neil Cohen seems not to have mastered this valuable concept. MORE »

Why is gay Senator Larry Craig always getting arrested in public restrooms? Because he’s the Idaho Bathroom Goblin, that’s why! Also, as this picture proves, it’s because he has no Internet friends. So sad. [Official Profile: Sen. Larry E. Craig]