First we find out that the CIA totally hearts its French counterparts (the relationship is “one of the best in the world” and “extraordinarily valuable”); now we discover that Jacques Chirac is the next Jeff Foxworthy. At a gathering with Russian and German leaders, he revealed he hates British food! “The only thing [the British] have ever given European farming is mad cow.” Rimshot, please! “You can’t trust people who cook as badly as that.” We’re dying. Also, haggis is gross: “That’s where our problems with Nato come from.” Funny because it’s true! He’ll be here all summit, folks. — WONKETTE MORE »

At all the world’s most exclusive resorts, they let you pee on the maids and throw phones at the concierge. And so it is at Gitmo, where, says the presiding officer there, it’s really the guests who are abusing the staff:

Brigadier General Jay Hood: “It’s not unusual through the course of a day or a week at Gitmo for some young American to have urine or feces or spit or some other liquid thrown at him by a detainee.”

Even worse? The prisoners get fed so much, they’ve got a lot of shit to throw. — GREG BEATO MORE »

Independent journalist Christopher Allbritton has returned to Iraq, and he’s skeptical about Donald Rumsfeld’s characterizations about the “solid progress” being made there. But based on Allbritton’s own reporting, the President himself has accurately characterized what’s going on there: MORE »

Faced with eviction after renting an apartment for $10,000 from an Iraqi who had no legal authority to rent it, American contractor Richard Peters turned to the U.S. Embassy for help. The U.S. Embassy told him to contact Lt. Col. Mike Casey, a U.S. military officer who’d been dealing with similar cases.

“I’m thinking, well let me call this guy, he’s an American. It was recommended I call him for help and when I called him, he was worse than the Iraqi police,” Peters said. “He says ‘why are you over here?’ He’s yelling in the phone…’You’re over here for the money. All you contractors are alike…I’m going to throw you out of the country, if I find you.’”

Talk about tough landlords. We thought the penalty for getting conned out of $10,000 was getting conned out of $10,000. In Iraq, you get evicted too. From the entire country! — GREG BEATO MORE »

So here we are at the penultimate act of the Matt and Judy show. TIME has agreed to turn over documents relating to the Plame leak; in a statement TIME editor-in-chief Norman Perstine gave us a nifty civics lesson. “The same Constitution that protects the freedom of the press requires obedience to final decisions of the courts and respect for their rulings and judgments.” Yes, and that same Constitution also allows special prosecutors to gouge the parent company of recalcitrant employees with hefty fines “that would be meaningful for the company’s ’size and net income,’” a chapter of the textbook that we’re sure Norm’s read, even if he doesn’t include it in his memo. MORE »

President Bush, from last night’s speech: “Today, Iraqi security forces are at different levels of readiness. Some are capable of taking on the terrorists and insurgents by themselves. A large number can plan and execute anti-terrorist operations with coalition support.” Others are valuable, in that they have really hard heads. — GREG BEATO MORE »

When you say “speech,” we think “freedom,” so excuse us if we blow past recapping last night’s pep rally to cogitate a bit more on the last act of the Matt and Judy Show. William Safire thinks Robert Novak should “finally write” the column that would explain how it is that he’s sunning himself down on Pennsylvania Ave. while Cooper and Miller are learning how to make shivs. That’s a nice thought, but that would require Novak to honest. And what’s that saying about a leopard changing its spots? A turd cannot grow a spine, either. (Not that the distinguished Mr. Novak is a turd. Just observing. He is also not a leopard and also we sort of doubt that’s human.) But revelations are likely. MORE »

This is what we get for watching Fox — missing this classic moment of “culture war” versus “regular war” confusion: “Matthews got giggles from the audience when he asked one soldier’s wife about ‘IUDs’ being used by terrorists in Iraq.” Well, that’s one way to keep the insurgency from growing. — WONKETTE
Prime Time for the President [WP]

7:59: Of course we’re watching Fox. Get the a load of that backdrop. What country are we in again? Brit Hume totally thinks today’s polling is good news, because “they agree with what we’re doing.” Yes, but not how we’re doing it.
8:00: Look at the soldiers. Or, as they’re also known, “props.”
8:01: No applause on entrance. What are you thinking, Dan Bartlett?
8:02: First mention of 9/11. Drink.

Continued after the jump.

MORE »

Yes, we will be liveblogging it. (MSNBC is carrying it — finally found someone with lower ratings than Tucker.) As for the drinking game, we’re so over drinking games. We’re into drinks. Hot on the heels of the Gitmojito, how we’re getting through the speech tonight: MORE »

Yesterday, the Supreme Court declined to hear the case of TIME’s Matt Cooper and the NYT’s Judith Miller, who now face jail time for refusing to reveal the identity of their administration source. It’s the talk of Washington — when we’re not reading Presidential approval polls — but you can be forgiven if you haven’t kept up. We’re here to help. MORE »

Bachelor, close to his mom, brings his own lunch to work — we always suspected David Souter was the “emo justice.” Now we know for sure:

While there is doubtless some demand for free Shakespeare, the evidence shows that substantive volume is a function of free access to copyrighted work. Users seeking Top 40 songs, for example, or the latest release by Modest Mouse, are certain to be far more numerous than those seeking a free Decameron.

Decameron… that’s the new Connor Oberst side project, right? — WONKETTE MORE »

Rep. Duncan Hunter (R - CA) has touted Camp Gitmo’s spa-caliber cuisine and resort-like location. Rush Limbaugh has picked up on the vacation theme too, and Dick Cheney says the prison’s detainees are “living in the tropics” and have “everything they could possibly want.” MORE »