My god, they just keep asking for more: “The Republican Party is seeking your input as we develop the policies and principles upon which we should stand for the next four years. On this website, you can share your thoughts, participate in polls, and communicate directly with the policymakers who will be shaping the party’s agenda.” As Wonkette commenters like to say, “more ass-fucking.” [Republican Platform Committee]

As promised, Barack Obama singlehandedly defeated a squadron of Fox News anchors at a game of pickup basketball and then he healed the lepers by touching them and sat down for a little chat with Chris Wallace on Sunday. The conversation was all very civilized until Wallace asked about his Muslim flag pin, which was given to him by the Weathermen back when they were Vietnam medics. Ha ha we kid! Even then President Cool maintained his legendary sangfroid. Selected Q&As after the jump. MORE »

Secret Wonkette Operative “M” sent us this photograph, which he actually took somewhere in the Eastern Time Zone, of Barack Obama saying something menacing to this poor reporter, who was probably only doing a good journalism thing like asking Obama to prove he was American! (Or maybe it was about economics, who knows.) In other words, let’s have a Caption Contest! UPDATE: We have a wiener! MORE »

Now that Barack Obama’s victory appears pretty likely, New York Times columnist Paul Krugman must be drinking alone in his apartment, even though he knows the Obama health care plan will not cover his psoriasis later in life. Get well soon, you sad panda. Anyway, guess what “lightning rod conservative” columnist Bill Kristol thinks about Barack Obama’s hatred of America? MORE »

All across America, regular citizens are pitching in to help their country capture the man who attacked it six short years ago on September “9/11″ Eleventh. They’re a crafty bunch, these citizen warriors, and their resolve is strong. Take, for example, 46-year-old Gary Weddle. Weddle has patriotically vowed not to shave until Osama is captured. Unfortunately all the stories we can find on his quest are a year old, so we’re not sure if he’s still rocking the Sunni Madhab look. Or he might be more like Lufkin, Texas city attorney Bob Flournoy… MORE »

A shocking new survey proves that the majority of Americans are now, in fact, anti-American. According to the Pew Research people, only 49% of Americans now completely agree with the statement, “I am patriotic.” MORE »

How did you honor our fallen heroes this solemn Memorial Day? Remember: Freedom ain’t free, but Biggie-sizing that Frosty will cost merely an additional thirty-two cents. MORE »

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