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  pantheon of fallen heroes

Allen West Finally Surrenders, Kills Political Comedy Forever

Let’s “open the kimono” here for a minute: Your Wonkette does not want this great nation of ours to be run by perverts and crazies; but, in another sense, your Wonkette needs this to be the case, because pervert/crazy politicians bring in the pageviews and associated ad moneys. That’s why the endless vote-recounting wackiness in Florida, in which Allen West was always losing but just close enough to demand further recounts, was a best-of-both-worlds situation for us: he wouldn’t be allowed to actually participate in the governing process, but he would stay in the spotlight and be ludicrous for our amusement. We even heard rumors that he was planning on showing up for work at the Capitol every day, and would get into fisticuffs with security guards, which would have been hilarious! But instead he just up and quit, like a little baby. Read more on Allen West Finally Surrenders, Kills Political Comedy Forever…
  pantheon of fallen heroes

Allen West Insists It’s Not Over, While Singing Fat Lady Tramples All Over Him (With Votes)

At long last, we just might maybe have a possibly-final result for the race for Florida’s 18th U.S. Congressional District. We think. As you may be aware, Florida does not have the most competent election system in the Union, which has led to a wee bit of uncertainty about whether wingnut torture-lover and Muslin-disliker Allen West has conclusively lost or not. See, the first vote count showed he was behind, but not enough for an automatic recount, so when West insisted on a recount, a judge said No Way, but then the St. Lucie County elections board said, OK, sure, we’ll recount… And then they failed to finish that recount in time for it to affect the election one way or the other, but maybe that makes no difference since the recount actually increased the lead for West’s opponent, Congressman-elect (probably) Patrick Murphy. As the New York Times essplains, Regardless, under Florida law, previously submitted results favoring Mr. Murphy will be certified unless an emergency exemption is granted by the state. So maybe this particular long national nightmare is over (?) Read more on Allen West Insists It’s Not Over, While Singing Fat Lady Tramples All Over Him (With Votes)…
  pantheon of fallen heroes

Weep, Ye Mighty, For Fallen Soldier ‘Joe’ The ‘Plumber’

There is not a reason in the world to click on the video above of fallen Wonkette hero “Joe” the “Plumber” flapping his gums at his election loss party, except to note his killer rags. Dude, you were running for Congress. You think the flannel might be a touch … less formal than the occasion demands? Nah, fuck it man. You are “authentic” and “real” just like your fake name and fake occupation! And now you are dead. Let us gather our rosebuds and meet back on the other side of the jump to remember the manifold gifts “Joe” the “Plumber” has given to your Wonkette, lo these many years. Read more on Weep, Ye Mighty, For Fallen Soldier ‘Joe’ The ‘Plumber’…
  pantheon of fallen heroes

Wonkette Salutes Fallen Hero And Pep Club President, Ohio Son Josh Mandel

We knew Ohio state Treasurer Josh Mandel was a TREASURE in his own right smack in the middle of his first debate with blowsy Ohio rambler Sherrod Brown. He was GRANDLY ORATING some total nonsense, and then he said this incredibly dumb thing about loving women because he totally has a wife and mom so the fact that he is terrible on every single women’s issue ever is like totally irrelevant. (Fucking AMAZING CLIP THAT YOU MUST WATCH not embeddable, fucking SPAN!) But has he done anything else to deserve a coveted slot in the Wonkette Pantheon of Fallen Heroes? Read more on Wonkette Salutes Fallen Hero And Pep Club President, Ohio Son Josh Mandel…
  pantheon of fallen heroes

A Special Wonkette Tribute To Fallen Senator Staple-Crotch, Massachusetts’s Own Scott Brown

It seems like just two months ago that we were in Tampa, Florida, hanging out with a bunch of Boston journos who explained, totally matter-of-factly, that it was a foregone conclusion that Senator Scott Brown (R-Playgirl) would handily beat sexy schoolmarm Elizabeth Warren in their #war for the senate. Why did they think that? “Because everybody likes him,” they explained. “He’s not a jerk.” Ah, but that was before Senator Brown shot himself in the stapled cock with his own arrow. Presumably working on the advice of Eric Fehrnstrom, who is very bad at his job, he quintupled down on an idiotic race-baiting campaign even after everyone in the world was all “the fuck, Scott Brown?” and then handed in a debate performance (with an assist from David Gregory) that was actually shocking in its bullying, shitty tone. Let us gather round for a War Dance of Remembrance! Read more on A Special Wonkette Tribute To Fallen Senator Staple-Crotch, Massachusetts’s Own Scott Brown…
  pantheon of fallen heroes

Farewell Janice Daniels, Celebrated Homophobe Mayor and Facebook Poet

As we continue to mourn our Fallen Heroes, let us not forget Mayor Janice Daniels of Troy, Michigan! This beloved character danced onto the pages of our Wonkette storybook earlier this year, when she put on her Snuggie, logged into her The Facebook account, and started yelling “QUEERS!!!!” at children. It did not take long for the people of Troy to decide they did not care for this Janice Daniels, because Troy is supposed to be known for its fancy mall, not an insane mayor. (The existence of Janice Daniels as mayor was a clear infringement upon Detroit’s exclusive rights to pathological mayors.) Last night, the people of Troy (Trojans?) successfully recalled their mayor, and so today, we offer a sincere slow-clap for them, and a big “I Heart NYC” gift bag full of tears for Janice Daniels. Read more on Farewell Janice Daniels, Celebrated Homophobe Mayor and Facebook Poet…
  pantheon of fallen heroes

Pour A Little On The Ground For America’s Greatest Deadbeat Dad, Hero Congressman Joe Walsh

Today we remember our fallen heroes, a pantheon of peerless fighters like Allen West (probably) and some other ones. But first among equals must always be hero congressman and deadbeat dad of the decade one Mr. Joe Walsh. Let us have a moment of silence for the man whose big GOTCHA in his first debate against war hero Tammy Duckworth was that he had spy photos of her wearing women’s clothing. Okay, good silence, you guys! Now let us honor Mr. Former Congressman Walsh with a montage. Read more on Pour A Little On The Ground For America’s Greatest Deadbeat Dad, Hero Congressman Joe Walsh…