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  our fragile nation

TSA Announces War On Xmas Against … ‘Insulated Beverage Containers’

Christmas Eve is a very exciting travel day because it’s one of the busiest, most insane times to attempt to get on a plane. Plus, the weather is guaranteed to be pretty horrible because it’s winter. Also, there’s horrific stress as millions of people try to get across the country at the last possible minute because Christmas Eve is both the official start of the Yuletide Family Gathering and a regular work day. Terrible all around! Luckily we have the Homeland Security clown theater troupe, “TSA,” to come up with some random bullshit to ruin whatever hasn’t been ruined by common crowds and weather. Read more on TSA Announces War On Xmas Against … ‘Insulated Beverage Containers’…
  our fragile nation

U.S. Air Force Blocks News Websites That Published WikiLeaks

The branch of the U.S. military responsible for flying some (but certainly not all!) planes has come up with the greatest idea ever to stop Wikileaks and the 10 billion news websites that have posted stuff from the Wikileaks: Just ban all those websites! This is a one-billion-percent foolproof plan, and now any Air Force personnel (known as “seamen”) will magically not know about any Wikileaks information they may have encountered during the past several weeks of constant Wikileaks coverage. Read more on U.S. Air Force Blocks News Websites That Published WikiLeaks…
  our fragile nation

U.S. Military Bans Those Little USB Thumb Drive Things

Because the world’s most powerful military is being destroyed by a combination of a) goat herders in Afghanistan and b) some weird guy with a website, the Pentagon has just banned any kind of little gizmo that can save information off a computer. (It is apparently impossible to ban goat herders … yet.) As of immediately, any military person (or military contractor, maybe?) cannot use removable/portable disk thingies such as thumb drives or external DVD/CD writable drives when using the secret computers that have all the potential WikiLeaks stuff on them. Hooray, there will be no more leaks of information! Read more on U.S. Military Bans Those Little USB Thumb Drive Things…
  our fragile nation

Homeland Security Deputizes All WalMart Shoppers To Stop Terrorists

While standing (or riding a Rascal) in line at WalMart behind a massive shopping cart full of huge novelty popcorn containers and corn syrup buckets this holiday season, America’s defeated shoppers will get a very special message from the nice lady at Homeland Security. Apparently stung by criticism that she’s only dedicated to humiliation and child abuse at the nation’s airports, Obama’s domestic terror chief Janet Napolitano has ordered this charming video be played on continuous loop at every WalMart checkout in America. What does she want the WalMart shoppers to do, after they swipe their EBT cards in exchange for baby formula and Choco Puffs? Read more on Homeland Security Deputizes All WalMart Shoppers To Stop Terrorists…
  our fragile nation

America Will Collapse by 2025 (That’s Just 15 Years From Now)

Relax, everybody! The USA will not completely collapse (or be nuked by China) for another ten or fifteen years, experts say. You’ll probably already be dead by then, from some weird new Ebola-type thing in your anus burgers or maybe a Rascal pile-up outside the landfill, where people are wrestling for rats to eat. (This will be the main sport of the mid-late 2010s: XTr33M Rats-allin’. Bristol Palin will be the judge/executioner, from atop a giant toilet/OHV filled with live babies and McDonaldland “Shamrock Shakes.”) Read more on America Will Collapse by 2025 (That’s Just 15 Years From Now)…
  our fragile nation

Fed Prints $110 Billion Worth of Screwy Hundred Dollar Bills

America’s fancy new hundred dollar bills are apparently so hard to actually print that the Federal Reserve has quarantined more than a billion of the new Benjamins within “special vaults” in Fort Worth and D.C. The screwed-up moneys are the first to feature the signature of Timothy Geithner, so they’re already morally worthless, but that’s actually true of all American cash. And because nobody knows what’s wrong with the new hundreds, the government says it would take up to thirty years for people (government employees) to go through the stacks of bills and try to stuff as many as possible into their butts take out the bad ones. Read more on Fed Prints $110 Billion Worth of Screwy Hundred Dollar Bills…