pt our fragile nation

Christmas Eve is a very exciting travel day because it’s one of the busiest, most insane times to attempt to get on a plane. Plus, the weather is guaranteed to be pretty horrible because it’s winter. Also, there’s horrific stress as millions of people try to get across the country at the last possible minute […]

The branch of the U.S. military responsible for flying some (but certainly not all!) planes has come up with the greatest idea ever to stop Wikileaks and the 10 billion news websites that have posted stuff from the Wikileaks: Just ban all those websites! This is a one-billion-percent foolproof plan, and now any Air Force […]

Because the world’s most powerful military is being destroyed by a combination of a) goat herders in Afghanistan and b) some weird guy with a website, the Pentagon has just banned any kind of little gizmo that can save information off a computer. (It is apparently impossible to ban goat herders … yet.) As of […]

While standing (or riding a Rascal) in line at WalMart behind a massive shopping cart full of huge novelty popcorn containers and corn syrup buckets this holiday season, America’s defeated shoppers will get a very special message from the nice lady at Homeland Security. Apparently stung by criticism that she’s only dedicated to humiliation and […]

Relax, everybody! The USA will not completely collapse (or be nuked by China) for another ten or fifteen years, experts say. You’ll probably already be dead by then, from some weird new Ebola-type thing in your anus burgers or maybe a Rascal pile-up outside the landfill, where people are wrestling for rats to eat. (This […]

America’s fancy new hundred dollar bills are apparently so hard to actually print that the Federal Reserve has quarantined more than a billion of the new Benjamins within “special vaults” in Fort Worth and D.C. The screwed-up moneys are the first to feature the signature of Timothy Geithner, so they’re already morally worthless, but that’s […]