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  our flourishing economy

Republicans Intentionally Sabotaging Economy

Here’s a fun mainstream opinion for your “Oh for chrissakes” files: The Week magazine says the GOP is intentionally sabotaging the American Economy so shit will be so bad in 2012, even Willow Palin’s pot dealer will be a “sane choice” for president. It makes a certain amount of sense, we guess? Just make things so intolerably awful — 40% unemployment, cannibalism, nuclear war — and then sit back and reap the benefits! Read more on Republicans Intentionally Sabotaging Economy…
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Most U.S. Unemployed Will Never Ever Find Work Again

Here’s some cheery news from the Roosevelt Institute: “Starting at the beginning of 2009, it is now more likely that someone who is unemployed will drop out of the labor force than find a job.” Uhh … that’s probably a bad thing, right? Anything else to weep about, behind the dumpster? “Underemployment, or those employed working part-time for economic reasons, has increased greatly, often more than doubling. This is across all analyzed sectors and occupations.” Hey, that kind of sounds like everyone we know! Read more on Most U.S. Unemployed Will Never Ever Find Work Again…
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U.S. Consumer So Totally Screwed, Economists Say

It’s a good thing Obama sort of halfway gave that Consumer Protection Bureau job to his alleged friend Elizabeth Warren, because it sort of sounds like these are terrible times for the Consumer — who, by executive order, officially replaced the U.S. Citizen back in 1983. For example, U.S. Consumer Sentiment “unexpectedly declined” this month, hitting a one-year low. How is that unexpected? Did the economists think everybody wouldn’t notice? Household wealth (!) dropped again in the second quarter of 2010, and home values are now expected to either stagnate or decline for another three years, or maybe forever, who knows. But guess who’s really worried? Read more on U.S. Consumer So Totally Screwed, Economists Say…
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44 Million Americans Now Officially Living In Poverty

With one of every seven Americans — and 20% of all U.S. children — now officially impoverished, the nation is finally back to the official level of poors last seen during the 1992-1994 recession. Unofficially, the number is at least twice that high, as “experts think that people who are getting by on as much as twice the official poverty line should nonetheless be considered poor.” In either case, things are terrible but they’re also getting much worse. Read more on 44 Million Americans Now Officially Living In Poverty…
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Now Playing: Global Starvation Riots

Well, things may be bad, but at least we don’t have massive worldwide food shortages and accompanying riots in poor countries … oh wait, we do have that now? The New York Times reports: Read more on Now Playing: Global Starvation Riots…
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Recession Makes Americans Kill Pets, Quit Having Kids

Not that you’d notice from the 40 million unemployed “workers” in this country, or the way all the houses in your neighborhood are being abandoned by night, or the miles of empty strip malls on the edge of every doomed American town, but experts in New York and Washington (the only two thriving cities in America, hah!) now say we may be “returning” to the Great Recession because the “recovery” has stalled. Oh noes. We have another theory that’s not very controversial, when you consider the almost daily “downgrades” of previously reported economic figures from the past several quarters: We never got out of recession, and we never will. Also, record numbers of cute puppies are being euthanized at American animal shelters! Read more on Recession Makes Americans Kill Pets, Quit Having Kids…
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HMMM, WHAT WAS THE NUMBER FOR XINHUA’S HR DEPARTMENT AGAIN?: Exciting new unemployment numbers are out and they are bad! 83,000 private sector jobs were added (130 to 150K are needed just to keep up with population growth), and hundreds of thousands of census workers have been tossed back into the job-seeking pool. The overall unemployment rate, based on a “different survey,” is down a smidge to 9.5 percent, because presumably some people have given up hope of ever being gainfully employed again and/or died. ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A PUNCHLINE TO THIS POST? THERE IS NO PUNCHLINE TO THIS POST, IT IS VERY DEPRESSING. [NYT] Read more on …
  our flourishing economy

Financial Reform/Communism Passes Senate, America Rich Again!

The financial reform bill passed the Senate! So exciting. “FinReg” is what people called it, on Wall Street and also on Capitol Hill. Both Chris Dodd and Barack Obama are very happy/proud. So what did they do, anyway? It’s about 175,000 pages of legislation, so who knows? Wait, actually we do know: The financial regulation bill deals with many issues and instruments that played a role in the Economic Collapse of 2008-Right Now, which means it does not cover anything that will be instrumental in the 2011-2019 depression, or the 2022-2028 recession, or the 2030-2097 “quiet time” on Earth, etc. But let’s check with the experts anyway, so they’ll feel useful offering their contradictory capsule assessments. Read more on Financial Reform/Communism Passes Senate, America Rich Again!…
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We’re Also Having Another Total Economic Collapse

Not to spread the funny news too thick today, but have you glanced at the business headlines? The stock markets have not reacted too well to the awful lack-of-employment numbers, with the Dow Jones Index plunging 325 points — that’s three-and-a-quarter percent and well under 10,000 and all the other markets looking similarly terrible. And “volumes” are high, meaning Lots of People/Institutions are dumping everything, for cash. Read more on We’re Also Having Another Total Economic Collapse…
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Nobody’s Making the House Payment, Nobody’s Getting New Mortgages

Despite the complete recovery of the American Economy — what, did you miss it? — a record 14% of households with mortgages are currently delinquent. That’s more than 7 million households. Another survey says 10% of all mortgages are in default, the highest percentage on record. Don’t worry, it gets worse. Read more on Nobody’s Making the House Payment, Nobody’s Getting New Mortgages…
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Hooray, Global Markets Collapse Again Because of … Greece! (Again)

Let’s check in with the Wonkette Business Desk for our morning economic roundup. U.S. pending home sales are at their highest point this year! U.S. manufacturing orders are at a two-year high! A terrorist plot against New York — the financial capital of the world — totally failed and the suspected/attempted car-bomber was caught by the cops! His alleged co-conspirators were caught in Pakistan! All kinds of bellwether companies are reporting solid profits, from MasterCard’s 24% first-quarter profit to Sirius XM Radio’s $41.6 million profit in Q1 — people must be buying new cars again! So, of course, the markets are collapsing, worldwide, total panic, ARGH SELL JESUS CHRIST IT’S ALL HAPPENING AGAIN. Read more on Hooray, Global Markets Collapse Again Because of … Greece! (Again)…
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Barack Obama Tells ‘Fiscal Commission’ To Sell the Senate Make Some Reforms

Serious professor Barack Obama stepped outside his White Castle just now to praise his new “Fiscal Commission,” which will use a bipartisan method to mathematically prove America is bankrupt and that Goldman Sachs is a front for an Alien Monster hedge fund, which is exactly what Stephen Hawking and Nouriel Roubini warned us about. That problem solved — anything reduced to a Senate hearing is now officially “solved” — he is off to Iowa to run in the 2008 Democratic Primary. [Sun-Times] Read more on Barack Obama Tells ‘Fiscal Commission’ To Sell the Senate Make Some Reforms…
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MASSIVE COMMUNISM: “Goldman Sachs, which emerged relatively unscathed from the financial crisis, was accused of securities fraud in a civil suit filed Friday by the Securities and Exchange Commission, which claims the bank created and sold a mortgage investment that was secretly devised to fail.” Silly SEC, you’re not allowed to do that. You all do want jobs at Goldman Sachs eventually, right? [NYT] Read more on …
  our flourishing economy

You All Have Jobs And Money Now

March’s employment figures have come in and show what everyone expected: just enough jobs (162,000) were added last month to keep up with average growth in the labor force! FACT/STATISTIC: First month of positive job growth in more than two years (so pathetic). WHAT IT MEANS FOR YOUR POCKYBOOK: Everything. Money. Glory. ERIC CANTOR WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THESE NUMBERS: “Any report showing that the economy added jobs is clearly a better alternative to one showing that it lost more jobs.” INTERESTING PERSPECTIVE, BUT WRONG. [NYT] Read more on You All Have Jobs And Money Now…
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Woo-Hoo, Stocks At 18-Month High, Everybody’s Rich Now?

Just the other day, we were remembering the exciting month of September 2008 — known to historians as “The Apocalypse of Sarah Palin Foisted Upon the Peoples of the United States” — and those thrilling days when the entire global financial system began its complete collapse. And today, capitalism is honoring the socialist Kenyan’s death-camp victory by finally bringing the U.S. stock indexes back to levels last seen in the final gruesome days of September 2008. America is back? Read more on Woo-Hoo, Stocks At 18-Month High, Everybody’s Rich Now?…
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New Foreclosure Nightmare: California Vineyards

Stucco housing tracts, evil investment banks, ugly big-box retail strips, dumb show-off high-rises, land-raping golf resorts, Hummers — the nation’s financial collapse has taken down so many awful trophies of American Culture, we should probably send it a Thank You note, maybe with a Linens ‘n Things gift card. But who can afford a card, or postage, when we’re all either out of work or making a lot less money or barely hanging on to some diseased sham of a career that probably never should’ve been a career anyway? What is next for this nation’s Shame Parade? Foreclosures of Napa vineyards and wineries, that’s what. Read more on New Foreclosure Nightmare: California Vineyards…
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HAPPY FRIDAY! “A far more disturbing number (in Table A-1 of today’s BLS release) shows that ‘persons not in the labor force’ increased by about 840,000 between November and December, from 83,022,000 to 83,865,000. That’s seasonally-adjusted; unadjusted, the number is closer to a million… What happened to the million Americans who went missing from the BLS definition of the labor force in the single month of December? They are the ‘long-term discouraged’ or whatever, those whose prospects of finding a job are so poor that they have stopped looking.” [Asia Times via Clusterstock] Read more on …
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Nobody’s Getting Anything Good For Xmas

Oh goody,the new Xmas Survey from Grandparents.com (?) has arrived in the Email: “Santa’s sleigh is going to be a lot lighter this year, according to a new survey by Grandparents.com. Forty-three percent of parents and grandparents surveyed will buy fewer gifts than they have in the past, and a whopping 90 percent plan to confine their shopping to discount stores like Wal-Mart, Kmart, and Target.” Avoid the crowds, shop only at Macy’s and the Apple Store! Read more on Nobody’s Getting Anything Good For Xmas…
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Home Prices Go Up Up Up: America Saved!

After dropping like a stone for the past three or four years, existing home prices in the United States went up a little teeny tiny bit in the second quarter of 2009. HOORAY WE CAN REFINANCE OUR WAY TO HAPPINESS AGAIN! So, the sales price of American houses went up by 2.9% between April Fools Day and the end of June, but they also dropped by 15% as compared to a year earlier. Never mind, we’re still doomed. [Washington Post] Read more on Home Prices Go Up Up Up: America Saved!…
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IT’S LIKE A RECOVERY, BUT WITH NO EQUITY, SAVINGS, CONSUMER SPENDING, JOBS, RETIREMENT ACCOUNTS, INNOVATION, STRONG CURRENCY, AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE, BASIC SHELTER, OR LONG-TERM PROSPECTS FOR A COMPETITIVE MODERN ECONOMY: “The housing market continues to threaten signs of an economic recovery, with new data released on Thursday showing an all-time high of Americans falling behind on loan payments and the rate of home foreclosures unlikely to peak until late in 2010.” But the stock markets are up! Everyone in America owns bundles of good stocks, right? Right?? [The Hill] Read more on …
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Obama’s Latest Socialism: ‘Regulating’ ‘Derivatives’ ‘To Prevent’ ‘Global Collapse’

Sure, Barack Obama changed his mind about releasing the very scary photos of widespread medieval U.S. war crimes everywhere, but Robert Gibbs cut off that leftist hippie firestorm right quick when he stole a reporter’s telephone and everyone got distracted and forgot about war and stuff. What’s the other terrible thing happening in the world now? Oh yes, money, and how we lost all of it after a few companies had to put up collateral on all those credit default swaps they made in secret, but then they didn’t have any reserves whatsoever, because saving is gay. Well the Treasury is finally releasing a plan to introduce basic, very basic regulations to the derivatives market. Why does the government hate capitalism? Read more on Obama’s Latest Socialism: ‘Regulating’ ‘Derivatives’ ‘To Prevent’ ‘Global Collapse’…
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‘Stress Test’ Results May Require Some Banks To Raise Own Money, Upsetting Some Banks

Look everyone, a wacky sentence: “WASHINGTON — Federal bank regulators plan to release the much-anticipated results of their ‘stress tests’ on the nation’s 19 biggest banks next Thursday, several days later than they had originally expected, in part because some of the banks continue to disagree with the government’s initial conclusions.” You do remember these things — the banks, the government bailouts, the stress tests, YOUR LIFE, and that thing that ties them all together, the Economy — right? They’re still “big deals” even if they aren’t so much in the news, because now the issue of whether or not we should throw a few dumb ex-government lawyers in jail has become ALL THAT MATTERS, while people continue to starve. Read more on ‘Stress Test’ Results May Require Some Banks To Raise Own Money, Upsetting Some Banks…