Fake war person Bill Kristol went on the Fox News over the weekend to talk about how Barack Obama “lost the Olympics,” oh boy. Now in spite of the Weekly Standard’s furious scrubbing attempts, we already knew, thanks to the magic of the Internets, how Bill Kristol and his chums at the Standard responded to Friday’s announcement: with raging monster boners. So the real treat in this clip is to hear Bill Kristol do his “Obama voice” (around :24). It is that of a Muppet. [YouTube]

Don’t really know what Townhall’s angle is here in promoting this video, but the first minute or so is pretty amazing, watching this CNN anchor play out his own personal mini-Greek Tragedy. Well this should all go well and dandy for ol’ Chicago, he’s thinking. Let me just sit back here and relax for the official confirmation. Nope, nothin’ could go wrong for Chicago right now, nothin’ at al… wait… wait.. oh god… no… CHICAGO’S OUT? CHICAGO’S OUT? CHICAGO’S OUT??? No. No. No no no no no NO! NOOOOO! KILL ME RIGHT NOW! [YouTube]

Things are getting so out-of-hand that the forecasters at “Team Romney” are having to step in and act like adults: “There are cooler heads: Former Mitt Romney spokesman Kevin Madden passed along some entirely unheeded advice from another Republican strategist, Scott Stanzel: ‘Note to GOP officials/consultants - resist temptation to pile on about Chicago losing just becuz Obama made the pitch.’” MORE »

The brilliant political humans at National Review’s The Corner — the #1 Internet blog — are cold slappin’ high-fives and chuggin’ jars of Elmer’s glue because they are just so happy that the American president was unable to bring the biggest sporting event on earth, and a boon to the local economy of Chicago, to America. Thanks for trying, Obama — NOT. Get it?? Ha ha ha! Fuck you Obama you fuck! STIMULUS — FAIL. OLYMPICS — FAIL. HEALTH CARE — GAY. RACISM — FAIL. RUSSIA — FAIL. IRAN — FAIL. ENERGY — WORTHLESS. (Oh btw, Rio won. Congrats Rio!) [The Corner]

CHICAGO HAS LOST DANCING WITH THE STARS AND THEREFORE ITS CHANCE AT HOSTING THE 2016 OLYMPICS. Gold, silver, and bronze Drudge Sirens!!: The important International Olympic Committee cold eliminated Chicago in the first round of city choosing this morning. In case you’re still invested in this thing, for whatever reason, it’s down to Madrid and Rio de Janeiro. [HuffPost]

• Obama gets a gold medal in the prestigious Kindly Requesting The Olympics For Chicago While In Denmark event. [New York Times]
• David Letterman slept with some people on his staff and some other lady turned around and performed extortion on him! [New York Times]
• Some ex-prosecutor on the Roman Polanski case now admits that he made a bunch of shit up for some documentary about Polanski. [CNN]
• Iran has agreed to start outsourcing its uranium to other countries for enriching purposes. (David Letterman’s intern is now extorting Iran.) [WSJ]
• GE and Comcast might go halvies on NBC Universal-ownership. Everyone should please check with Tina Fey to make sure this is doable, plotwise, before doing anything. [Reuters]
• When the Labor Dept. releases its unemployment report on Friday, America might tie some 1983 unemployment Olympic record. USA! [AP]

Earlier today Republican strange person Michael Steele joined his fellow party dingbats to yell at Obama for traveling to King Hamlet’s Court in Elsinore to argue for Chicago’s 2016 Olympic bid. It is Not Presidential. We have no opinion about this, but man, watch Robert Gibbs respond with his trademark dry sarcasm here! Are many people capable of saying “Madrid” with such an icy-death quality? [YouTube]

• Obama’s big health care legislation presentation next week will feature such novelties as an explanation of the contents of said health care legislation. [New York Times]
• Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens’ hiring of only one clerk for the 2010 Supreme Court regular season has many fans speculating that he could retire after next year. [LA Times]
• Pfizer will be paying $2.3 billion in fines for illegally treating fat cat doctors to rounds of golf (and probably letting them win!) in exchange for promotion of Pfizer products. [AP]
• A new report was released by Physicians for Human Rights that details American doctors’ bad habit of using terror suspects as subjects in impossibly evil torture experiments. [The Guardian]
• The city of Chicago does not even want your dumb 2016 Olympics anymore, International Olympics Committee! This is because the 2016 Olympics happen to be the summer Olympics, which according to facts are the lame kind. [Chicago Tribune]
• Oh holy god, someone found a dead frog in a Pepsi can. This is disgusting, although, if it helps, it could have just been a toad… so… no cause for alarm. [CNN]

Here’s some lady named Tammany Hall on the teevee, making fun of the Chinese. Tiki Barber and the other gal are like, “who is this idiot?” The best part is at :11 when one of the two ladies makes this weird noise for no reason. [YouTube]

Do you have the Summer Olympic Fever? No? Neither do we. But now we sort of regret missing the Opening Ceremony, which was apparently done completely with the computer game The SIMS. MORE »

George W. Bush wasn’t just dripping sweat while acting like a lunatic at the Olympics — he also couldn’t actually stand up on his own. Jesus! See the creepy close-up, after the jump. MORE »